1nce again...a tear in the fabric is found and my aborration of life surfaces.

i can't steer the feelings of lonliness away for long enough. it's hellish. hella hellish.

i wish things were different. situations were different. i were different.

let's face it...when you're asian, you're not white...and you don't fit the definition of immediately attractive in today's white american society.

it'd be a lot easier if i were white. i'm not trying to down white people...a lot of my best friends are white people...most of the people i'm surrounded by on an everyday basis are white people...no, i'm not trying to down white people. don't get my wrong.

when i play the dating game on-line at sony station, i pick an avatar, if i pick an asian one, no one wants anything to do with me. people flee the game room. when i pick a white avatar, they'll actually play with me, no one flees the room, and they talk to me like intelligent people. (btw, i play it for the shits and giggles).

cut to the chase: i think my life would be a lot easier if i were white. it isn't enough to be americanized and whitewashed, but unless you have that all-american white-boy look, you're not going to get the same amount of respect from any culture group...anyone.

in white america, everyone gives a lot of respect to white men...look at our government. look at the heads of several of our major corporations. you can tell me to look at asian companies, but i don't live in asia. i live here.

i love my white friends...and to be honest, i wish i could be more like them: white.

i think just about every minority in america has gone through this thing where they've wanted to be white, because the white life is in fact easier. i wouldn't get harassed by skinheads, or the few intolerant citizens of orange county, i'd get decent seating at restaurants, i wouldn't be stereotyped as only being a smart kid...the white life would be nice.

it's not easy being a minority in america. i wish i were white.

i don't think it'd make things perfect, but it sure would make things easier.

we all endure hardships...but as a minority, we endure different ones. i'm sure as a white person, you've got hardships of your own...but, out of respect, try not to make comparisons...it's futile. you've just gotta trust me on that...and damnit, stop trying to tell us filipino is spelled philippino...you're wrong, it's filipino...i'd know...i fucking hate that.

i still wish other things were different. location. life. desire. i'm really unhappy right now.

(sidenote, unrelated: t!ff...i miss you.)

everyone that's reading this, ponder this, respond if you can: if you're a minority, have you ever wished you were white? if you are white, what do you think of this color barrier that i have exposed?

friday the thirteenth!! ooh...creepy!!

ugh...here's a lesson learned from the last friday the thirteenth: don't start dating a girl, or go on your first date with someone, on friday the thirteenth...only bad things can ensue from that.

well...apparently, only bad things can ensue from anyone dating me...at least it seems that way.

yo...go to poetic impulse or mig's site...the fruitbasket. (a project suite) has officially begun with apple.

okay. so yeahh. the premature end of my oral communication class signaled the end of my classes.

tuesday. wednesday. friday. finals.

i just hope i'm not completely screwed. i know i'm not.

right now, i have this incredible longing to be surrounded by friends...but it ain't happening.

aight sucka.

one more class...then finals week.

man...i cannot wait for this damned semester to be over. it's only one more week.

i think i've been starving myself...that's why my body has been in so much pain lately. i had the same stomach/chest pain an hour ago, then i ate lunch. man...needing food isn't good...i need to get back to being nutritious, and shit.

i need a big-ass break from everything...but i don't think i'll be getting that...so, i need a big-ass break from a lot of things.

i'm so done with everything...i just want to lock myself in my room, stay in bed, and not come out until february...i've almost been doing that.

for sex, and social satire, read [ f r e a k ]^me...my latest poem.

i'm a freak.

in bed.

whatever...i'm just spouting off some bull right now.

just a few more days, then a 6 week vacation.
niice.

i've been in a lot of physical pain in the last 24 hours, and frankly, i don't know why. well, one incident involved my co-team member (not co-worker, we're team members at target...my co-worker michelle w. (because there's a michelle w., a michelle m., a michelle t...among other michelles)...michelle w. accidentally slammed my fingers into a drawer...it hurt a lottle...but my stupid male insecurity didn't let me say it, but my pussy-side sure let me show it.

i need some booty.

yes, i did say a lottle. and, yes, i do believe that booty is the cure for the common physical ailments.

so...yeah. i need to go back to canyon and thank mrs. lorenz, my old french teacher, for teaching me enough about french to pass my written ballet final. damn...it was an easy test. whoo-who.

i've got this pain in my stomach/chest...that area in between...it's not a stomach ache, but it sucks. i don't know why.

whoo...today is the written (or bubble-in) portion of my ballet final. i might do well, i might not...it's all multiple choice...so, that ain't shabby.

rehearsal last night wasn't horrible. it wasn't great, but it wasn't horrible. we open this weekend, and close next weekend. i'll be happy when we close. rehearsal was kinda fun last night. i'll admit it. it was fun.

i've been feeling better lately, but i'm still shaking off these low points. like, when i got home from school, to driving to rehearsal, to the first hour of rehearsal, i felt dead inside. i had no energy, i didn't want to go, i wanted to be sleeping, or lying, in bed. i didn't want to get outside. if i had any less energy, i probably would have crashed my car on the way to rehearsal. i couldn't focus well while i was driving. maybe it was the pain-killers (aleve) inside of me (i had a wristache, a severe one...it perpetually comes and goes). i'd taken more aleve than suggested, but i justify it by the pain i'd been going through.

i stopped feeling like shit at some point, i think it was when i started beat-boxing while some kids from the villa park choir started singing some traditional music...it sounded funky, but cool.

i didn't audition last weekend. i think it's a good thing, less on my plate for next semester. i need less. i'm going to try and drop a lot of the committments i have, so i can regain my sanity...i think i lost it somewhere along the way.

i'm going to try and drop the song and dance performing arts group i'm in after the holidays. i frankly don't want to do much next semester, i just want to focus on getting these gen. eds done, and recuperate from all this stress (depression?).

i love having so much energy during the day...it's great...but, when i hit the low energy point, it's almost physically dehabilitating...it's like i'm almost immobile.

it's kinda uncomforting to look at your mcdonald's drive thru reciept, and to see on the top, it's not just mcdonald's, but mcdonald's corporation...that added word just seems dirty. it taints the quality of what you've just bought. i know it's obvious that all of it is mass produced...but, when you come out and say it...it makes it seem dirtier.

barbaranizzle, it's all good. i'm not pissed about it.
tiff, i miss talking to you too.
mig, i am counting up.
i know that i'm crazy. but what would my poetry be with my sanity? (smiles)

alright. today is another day. yesterday, i can say, i felt the best that i'd had in awhile. up to a point. i was actually enjoying myself at work...working service desk wasn't so bad. the guests weren't bad, and my supervisor was cool, and so were the other people working desk...it's a lot easier when you don't close alone. i hadn't walked out of work with a smile like that in awhile.

although, i'd been informed that i had been missing a rehearsal--that i was not told about--for this horrid play that i am in. i can't wait til the tedious little thing is over. i really detest this play...bad script, not the kind of cast that is ideal to my work ethic (i try not to sound all pompous and shit), it's not pleasant.

i have that rehearsal tonight. i'm not looking forward to it. i'm not looking forward to seeing most of the cast. i'm not looking forward to wasting away another three hours of my life, when i could be doing something more worthwhile. i'd rather just not do the damn play. it sucks...it's not quality.

doing this play attributed to my stress/depression (still trying to figure out whether it was one or the other). i'm not enjoying myself. it's like doing an elementary school play. might've been cool when i was in 6th grade...but, as a college student, it's frustrating.

i'm just hoping tonight doesn't fill me with negative energy. i'd try to make the best out of a bad situation, but how do you do that where there is nothing good about it?

nate, you need to be more positive.
this is as positive as i can get. trust me on that one.

i'm not going to dread the situation until tonight. i can make the best of my day right now...until tonight.

this would be so much simpler if i knew exactly who i could trust.

i just had my first final today...or half-final...whatever. it was the practical part of my ballet final...yeah, that means a dance combination. i had this goofy-ass smile throughout the whole thing...and i think i did pretty decently. so, i'm pretty satisfied with it. thursday is the written final, so i need to find out what all those french words mean. i was actually excited to take this final, and be at school. i haven't been excited about anything lately...it was pretty nice having positive energy run through my aura for once.

actually being out of the house, not at work, not at rehearsal, but being at school is re-energizing my positive spirit.

so...all this shit i've been going through might just be stress. it's a relief...a temporary relief, but, a sort of relief nonetheless.

i've been trying to focus on positive things right now...however i can find them.

right now i'm doing further research on depression, manic-depression, and stress...to see what has been going on.

i'm in a decent mood right now. but, i've got work tonight. a rehearsal tomorrow and wednesday. work thursday. how friday and saturday. i don't know how this will effect me emotionally.

right now...i'm feeling pretty decent...so, i'm hoping things will stay this way...i don't want to fall again. not like i did last night...or a couple nights before then, or the night before that, et cetera. happiness...that's all i want, and all those little things that entail happiness. that'd be nice.

i'm hoping all this shit is just stress.

if it's just stress, then i don't need professional help.

if it's just stress, i just need stress management training.

that's comforting. i'm screwed up either way.

just kidding. but i am hoping it is just stress.

when my parents got home from chicago last night, it was the happiest i'd ever been to see them.

i actually admitted to my mom that i might have a problem. she's the last person i've ever come to for anything...until then.

the only thing i couldn't admit to her were my suicidal tendacies.

i was able to tell her everything i'd been going through, except for that.

the funny thing is, i think talking to my mom helped a lot...in a lot of ways. it seemed to bridge the gap between the two of us. it opened a door that i thought had been closed. it was really comforting.

before i went to sleep last night/this morning...i prayed. praying helped too.

my mom told me to try and think about all the things that i'm thankful for.

it helped me take my mind off of the bad, and focus on the good.

there are a lot of good things.

for the most part, i thought of my support group: my friends.

each one of them validified something...that i am worth something...contrary to what i've been thinking for the past while.

i think celina helped a lot in validifying the comments. she just met me not that long ago, and we've only seen eachother a few times, but, she has some sort of faith in me as a person. it just strikes me with awe that someone that i'd met no more than a month ago thinks this of me...it makes me wonder what those who have known me a lot longer think of me.

maybe i just haven't been listening.

time to shine.

crash.

if my emotions could make a noise today, that's the sound it made today.

i experienced my severe emotional drop at work...a place where i'm usually my best...but, such was not the case.

i was good for the first half of work...but, in the last two hours, my chipper, smiling personality was shattered. i felt like i was being bombarded with phoniness. if it wasn't that, then it was the guy yelling at me...being frustrated with me. if it wasn't that, it was the fact that i'm doing a thankless job...cleaning up after the slobs of upper-middle society, or accepting/not accepting their returns. work was trashed today. there were so many people who have yelled at me this weekend. the last guy who yelled at me, i was nothing but nice to him, when he yelled at me, i didn't say a word. i stood there blankly. i started thinking that maybe i deserved to get yelled at because my work wasn't good enough. maybe i wasn't good enough. maybe i'm not good enough for the girl. maybe i'm not good enough at all.

i started questioning the reason why i'm working where i am...at guest service. with all the shit i go through and put up with...i started wondering if it was really worth all of this emotional assult. i didn't think i'd be able to see my family tonight...the people i wanted to see most...that depressed me the most...it almost sent me over the edge. i started crying at work. no one noticed...i'm kinda glad about that.

so many things about work are depleting my self worth. i can't wait until they move me from service desk to sales floor.

another thing that really hurt was that i felt blown off by the people i knew. i was really happy to see them...but, yeah. it's not their fault, they had stuff to do.

i'm really starting to worry about myself.

all i want right now is to be happy. that's all i want.

i don't want these morbid feelings or suicidal tendacies or over-sensitive reactions to things that really aren't that bad. i just want happiness...and no more crying...no more rage...no more loneliness.

i want to smile again.

the things i want:
-a smile.
-someone.
-happiness.

these things aren't supposed to be difficult to come by. i know i'm not alone...why do i feel this way so badly?

so, i think i've discovered a very concrete fact...and when i state it, you'll be like: well, duh.

there's no way that you can make it in this world alone.

but, in that case, are we ever, as individuals, truly independent? becuase we've all got to depend on one another for something...whether it's a paycheck, role model, emotional comfort, anything. so, i guess what i'm proposing is something quite the opposite of existentialism. of course, i could be very well wrong, and a million people could probably come up with several counter-arguements to this concept. i wonder if anyone has ever come up with such an idea of mine...if not, we'll call it nathanism. i've been waiting a long time to use that term, but i've had nothing to coin it to. i was thinking of making a list of proverbs and sayings, and calling each one a nathanism, but they all ended up being rip-offs of some other quote.

so, that's the question i propose to you...can we ever be truly independent, in the individualistic way?

everybody needs somebody sometime. you can never really make it alone. we're all linked together someway, somehow. all of this is based on dependacy...which contradicts independence. i don't know...i'm leaving my door open for criticism and me being wrong.

but i could be right.

i'd like to thank all my friends for continually supporting me through this weird time. i really appreciate it. a lot. thank you again.

so far, so good.

the bad nate, we'll call him alvin, has yet to resurface since i got home from work. the normal routine of an emotional down period has yet to take place, and i feel semi-decent for once. i pray that this stays for a little while...since seeing up is a little easier. i almost fell back down...but, i didn't.

not getting yelled at by bigoted families, or over-sensitive foreign seniors, or cranky supervisors really helped me today. actually explaining my fear of manic-depression on a one-on-one basis helped a lot as well. it's about time i open up and talk about that fear. it happens so often (my dramatic mood-swings), that i've started wondering/worrying that i might have clinical manic-depression. the fact is, i don't know if i am or not...i don't know if i should seek professional help about it...but, actually opening up to someone (not to a faceless audience) about it really helped me get through the day. knowing that there is some normality in this abnormal state helped cushion the impact of this drop in emotion.

the thing is, even if all is well right now...what will happen the next time i drop? how how will i drop? how bad will things be? when this depressed altered state resurfaces, what if it physically takes me over? what if it physically tortures someone, or myself? how can i stop alvin from resurfacing?

i'm afraid of him. i'm afraid of it.

you must think i'm crazy.

you just wait 'till you go through your freshman year of college with a job, shitload of units, doing a play, and hardly ever seeing home and family (if even that)...it unnerves you. believe me. then pile all the shit that goes on in your everyday relationships with people...and persuing a dwindling love life...it's a shock...and you either handle it, or you crack.

i cracked.

i almost cracked badly.

can alvin crack me again...crack me completely?

i hope i never find out.