//feel//something.like.loneliness...but.not

//why
i don't know why...maybe it's the whole good-bye thing mixed in with other things...

i just feel lonely, again. again...and i don't want to. i hope going to work will help me cope with this, or make me forget about it, or make me realize that i'm not alone...et cetera...something...anything.

i think i know why i'm feeling lonely...it's because i'm still longing for companionship.

right now the loneliness kinda makes me want to throw up for some reason.

i think it's all a culmination of this summer:
the quick hellos and the quick goodbyes. me getting attached too soon because i really don't know any better or how to do it differently. general feelings of unappreciation toward me.

i don't have to feel lonely...i know that people are there for me...so, i'm not really lonely...i'm just...something...and i don't know what it is.

julie's leaving on monday, and i've already said my goodbye. i think that's the last goodbye that i'll have to say this summer...which is both relieving and sad at the same time.

i haven't hung out with kristen in awhile...and i miss hanging out with her. and she's on vacation right now, so it'll be awhile until we hang out.

whatever this feeling is, i think it'll go away once i get to work. i hope it does.

i feel like i'm gonna throw up. i feel like i'm gonna cry.

what i want to do is smile...and feel someone hug me.

julie taught me to breathe...right now it just seems harder...it's like i'm trying to send it, but i've got a station backup.

it'll be alright. it's just because summer is ending, and i'm realizing more things.

i don't want to leave anything behind from this summer...

i know it'll feel better soon...it's all temporary.

i just need to breathe.

//mood//somewhat.smashing
//song//bend.and.not.break : dash

//damn.it
okay, so my car took a big crap on me yesterday, and as a result: no drunked good-byes for me. i was more pissed about not making it to julie's going away party than i was about the car. i woke up this morning thinking i'm supposed to be hungover with julie right now. damnit all.

but, i guess not all is lost.

there's still tonight to do my formal goodbyes.

it's only goodbye. it's not the end of a friendship.

okay...gotta bail.

take it easy y'all.

have a nice weekend.

//mood//no.so.melancholy
//rather//absolutely.fabulous
//song//age.six.racer : dash

//the.beginning.of[good-bye]
after work will be julie's going-away party. good times. i won't get smashed. i'll get sloshed. yeahh! and tomorrow will be the last night that she'll have to deal with all that drama that is indy...that big green building won't be the same without her...

//new.dash
sweet emotional bliss. the new dashboard cd rocks. i was surprised too, it's not the dashboard that i was used to...as in, it wasn't as acoustic as i thought it would be...but it still rocks...i mean, it's a freaking awesome cd. i've been listening to dash non-stop these past few days.

//what.it.has.been.all.about
this is what summer has been all about for me: growth.

and good times.

good times is summarized in this picture:


and this picture:


and the picture of me downing a mixed drink on the right.

i love all the people that i've met this summer.
i love all the people that i met back up with this summer.
i love all.

thank you all for putting up with all the crap that is nate zablan.

i love you.

if you think that nobody loves you, i do.

thank you for the text messages and the phone calls and the on-line conversations and the journal postings and replies.

thank you for the text messages and phone calls and the conversations when i started to think you stopped caring.

thank you.

i love you all.

you all have opened my mind and helped me grow.

i'm not trying to be perfect anymore...i'm just trying to be better now.

i can be proud to say that this is one of the last pictures of chris garcia with a full afroed head of hair.

//mood//liberated.

//send.it
you know what? all this crap...all the crap that i feel...SEND IT!

(deep breath...let go)

feels better already.

//mood//like.something

//trying.times
i swear, i must have some sort of hormonal cycle or something, because i get in these crap moods oh too often...but...yeah.

i've been trying not to take everything in my life so personally. i'm trying to take unreturned text messages and/or phone calls so personally...i'm trying not to feel left out. i'm trying to include myself...and i'm trying not to feel shut out. i'm trying to feel loved.

and i'm trying to get jaded to it all so i can be a little more apathetic to it all and not have to try.

i think that i have the tendacy to expect too much out of people...but you know what? i don't think that i'm wrong all the time. i've gotten so used to the mindset that if anything goes wrong, that it's all my fault...and you know what? it's not all my fault, and i'm not always wrong...so...i don't know.

i'm straying toward the right field right now...i think now is a good time to send it.

//don't.go
i'm learning where the good in good-bye comes from. julie is gonna be gone soon. we've had our share of rough times, but i've learned that any good friendship has its share of good and bad times...and i love her for that. seriously, i do...and i'm gonna miss her...

now, anytime that i close marquee, i'm gonna have sica breathing down my back making sure i don't do it wrong (teehee)...

but, seriously...i know that julie has a lot to look forward to in going back to colorado...as in no more of the indy drama that she's had to deal with, among other things...and she's got another life there...and all is not lost, because i think she'll have some visitors along the way sometime this semester.

as much as i hate having to say goodbye...i know that it'll be okay...not all is lost, because the better goodbyes have been followed up with memorable visits...and i'll have a camera for those times.

make sure to return the car before you send it. and we're looking for a baby in row 3, in the pouch. courtesy on row 1, seat a. jailbait in row 2. oh great, i'm gonna be shoulder high in this lady's ass trying buckle her in. let's go to denny's afterwards.

//pics
expect some pictures soon...fun times...more drunkenness from me...more smiles...

//mood//not.so.isolated
//horoscope//act without guilt and let your loyalty show. you find love and praise everywhere.

//my.ridiculousness
sometime between the period of yesterday and this morning, i realized that there was a ridiculousness in my nature. i'm usually more than willing to help others in their times of need, all in all: to reach out...but i rarely let others reach out to me. but that isn't what's ridiculous. the thing that is just so ludicrous to me is the fact that i'll feel isolated throughout the whole thing...i'll turn into a shitbrick, as mig so colorfully describes, and forget that there are people around me who will be there just as i am for them.

i've learned to be unapologetic for who i am and what i do. if anything, this summer, i've learned that. a lot of people have contributed to this, but most notably mig and julie have both let it sink in.

okay...that's it.

it's monday. time to start a kick-ass week.

go easy on yourself.