//emo//emo
//song//the seed : cody chesnutt

//things.that[suck]
wednesday night's date, to put it nicely, sucked.

say, nate, why do you say it sucked?
well, anonymous inquirer, it sucked because
[a] there was no chemistry
[b] in turn, it was a night of awkward silences
[c] in the end of it all, my car started acting up--so damn random.

parts a and b just made the night horrendous. part c just added insult to injury. i'm sure that the girl i went out with, (non-indy) nicole, is a great girl...it just wasn't happening. and it sucked. no common ground really...except for the fact that we both wanted to see love actually...aside from that...it was not a highlight reel night.

i started to think that maybe it was just me. i mean...this was my first date in a few months...since summer ended...since the last time i'd felt any significant chemistry with somebody.

i miss that chemistry. you can't make that kind of chemistry...it's just there.

//the[sad.math.of.chemistry]
i tried working it out in my head...and okay...let's say, out of all the people in my preferred age range (18-21) make up 100%. okay, now, let's narrow it down to my sexual preference: women, that makes 50%. now, let's narrow it further, i'm physically attracted to about, one in four girls. that makes 12.5%. out of all the people i've dated, i've only maintained a significant chemistry with one three out of ten. that makes only a 3.75% chance that i'm going to find a desirable chemistry with a girl around my age. that's less than one out of every twenty-five people that i bump into around my age range. but...we need to narrow that down further, because i only end up getting the nuts to ask out one out of every, about, twenty-five girls i meet (i'm being generous to myself here). that makes the grand total of 0.15%. theoretically, i'm only supposed to find chemistry with one, maybe two, people, out of every thousand that i meet.

um...i don't know if i'm supposed to look at this with an optomistic point of view, or if i should be as startled and pessimistic as my gut feeling tells me.

yeah...i know i'm overthinking it...but seriously folks...i really hope this theory is out of wack.

//TEN.day
umm..okay. even though my car is giving me a lot of crap, transmissionwise...and i'm recovering from the date from dullsville. i did get to see an awesome movie...and i have even more reason to be in an awesome mood today...

the early november is gonna be all over orange county today. so, right after school, i'm planning on jetting to chapman to see their free show at 1pm. after that...jet over to the attic in anaheim to catch their acoustic set which starts at 4:30...but, i might get there hella early so that i can get a decent parking spot. afterwards...head next door after getting dinner? maybe? i don't know...since the show doesn't start until 7pm.

anyways, this is my happy little indie/emo day...and i'm flying solo for the most part...with a car that won't go beyond first gear. yes...today will be a good day to listen to music that will help me purge my depressions, aggressions, and all overcoming emotions. 'twill be a great day.

il assured me that a lot of people go to shows alone...so...i think i'll have some fun tonight.

//emo//still excited...hopeful
//song//jus friends (sunny) : musiq soulchild

//movies
right now i'm checking movie times at the same time that i'm typing this entry...so...yeah...love actually seems like a good date movie, no? right. maybe elf if not the former.

//never[know]
i was thinking...

okay, so like, four years ago...if you asked me, i wouldn't have thought that carie would be my friend ever again. i never would have thought that she'd be my friend withing four years, let alone a year. the next year, our friendship rekindled after a coffee outing, an awkward advance (on my part), and a english class. it's just funny how that worked out.

the fact is, you never know how things are going to turn out in the long run. you never really know what you want or what you're gonna get. you never know how you're going to turn out in the future. nothing is ever certain...oddly, that comforts me. it's not wrong to expect things...but, it doesn't mean that they're gonna turn out that way.

four years ago i never thought i'd be an indie/almost-emo/piano-rock kid hoping to grow his hair out and straighten it out. i thought i'd be a budding hip-hop/pop star, seriously. i thought i'd still be wearing vests and swearing off t-shirts and jeans. it's not so much changing, but i'm giving in and accepting who i am more so now than ever. it's liberating. really.

but really...i don't expect much out of life at the moment, because i'm directing it and i don't know how it will all come out. i'm optomistic in the hopeful sense...but aside from that, i really don't know how things will turn out in the long run. i don't really have a plan at the moment. i don't want a plan...i don't know if i'll have one four years from now...i don't know who'll be around four years from now...i don't know if anyone will stick around four years from now...it'd be nice, but i can't really expect it.

back to that ancient question: do i expect too much out of people? maybe. maybe i just give people way too much credit, and don't credit myself enough...but, whatever...people are sticking around right now, and that's all that matters: the present.

have a smashing day everyone.

wish me luck tonight. =)

//emo//excited...like excitebike...man i miss that game
//song//the greatest fall of all time : the matchbook romance

//date...finally
so...tomorrow night i'll be going out on a date with nicole (non-indy nicole). this time she promised...so, no more waiting around for an hour to find out i've been stood up. it's the same girl i was supposed to take out to coffee last week...but something had come up. she said she'd keep her evening clear...which is good...and she sounded just as excited as i was talking about getting together tomorrow night. so...good things are on the horizon. i think...we'll see tomorrow. it'll be a movie and dessert/dinner (i haven't decided).

//overcrowded
registration sucks.

my theatre classes, the ones that i need, are full...so i'm gonna have to petition for them. which is a pain.

oh well...i registered for my GEs (i could actually find some decent open sections)...maybe i'll actually go to them next semester. HA!

i'll still only go to school every other day...which is nice already. and i won't start school until 10am. nice.

but damn this overcrowded school and overcrowded theatre department for (temporarily) locking me out of my beloved theatre classes.

//nice.girl
megan invited me to thanksgiving dinner at her house...which i thought was really sweet. i might go...seeing how i work through my own family dinner, she said her family dinner is usually later...and i'll prolly go to her house after work.

//OC.buddies (incomplete list?)
[*] chris (the * is because he's my best OC friend)
[~] bo and nicole (new buddies)
[~] il (instantly upon arrival from SD)
[~] megan o (new buddy)

//out.of.townies (incomplete list?)
[*] mig (i totally miss that kid)
[~] julie (i can depend on her for honesty and boba trips)
[~] mikey (in OC, but i see him as often as an out-of-townie)
[~] carie (makes the drive through LA worth it everytime)
[~] il (until she moves out herre)

//nice
it's nice to know that there are people you can depend on...near and far. i can depend on myself...but, i've got crutches. :)

despite the passing of high school and the tight knit circles, i have a feeling that, soon, i'll have a few more [*]s on that list to replace the [~]s.

//emo//unknown...too mixed up
//song//all of this : blink 182 f/robert smith (of the cure)

//deserving
i'm a good person. i don't usually say it, but you know--i feel that it's warranted, and that i need to say it. i'm just tired of being taken advantage of. i'm tired of the broken promises. i'm tired of the lies fed to me. i'm tired of the fake friendships thrown my way.

there are so many burdens to being a good person/nice guy/friendly person. sometimes i feel as if i can't take it. i just sometimes wish that i was a complete a**hole so that there was a valid justification as to why some people treat me the way that they do.

frankly, i've never said this before until recently...but, i deserve a lot better than what i've been getting lately.

i'm going to be calling people out on their sh*t. i'm tired of being this hamlet type of character who keeps all this crap bottled in, and goes crazy as a result...untrusting, bitter...i'm sick of it. believe me, i will be calling people out. i don't deserve to be walked all over...and i will no longer let people do that to me.

some people just need a good smack in the face as a wake-up call.

//lies
a lie is an insult to a person's intelligence. it's a breach of trust among friends. it's basically pissing on the bond between two people sharing relations.

//what.i'm.really.thinking
recent events have caused me to re-evaluate relationships. i really need to re-evaluate them and call people out before all of this starts dragging me down.

the weird thing is...i consider orange county my immediate area. and...i've got a lot of good friendships brewing...i mean, i greatly value my friendships with bo and nicole...but, out of everyone in the area, i have just one person that i can wholeheartedly trust, and that's chris g.

i don't know, i'm just used to having a close knit circle of friends around...and it strikes me as strange to have it whittled down to a circle of one. i know i have a budding circle of friends brewing...and i'm learning to trust others, but it takes time.

i just kinda want to know that i've got a friendship in the pocket that i know will be there...i need security, because i'm used to people just going in and out of my life...i'm used to people leaving. i've grown used to abandonment.

i try hanging out with chris whenever i can...it's not always easy. being in your late-teens/early-twenties provides hectic schedules. so...yeah. i love hanging out with bo and nicole (husband and wife)...it's always fun times.

sometimes i wonder with other people what made me become less a friend to them...i can't help but wonder. i need not to get lost in that though.

i like having friends...even better, i like having people i can trust. friendships are really meaningless if i can't really trust people. i mean, there's a little bitterness in me calling people out...but, i really think that it could help them out too--if these are really friendships. it's not always easy being someone's friend...often, it's a labour of love. in the end, you either survive, or move on.

it's difficult for me to accept that i was once close to people and opened up to certain people, just to have that yanked away for no reason. to me, it's borderline betrayal...i take it that personally. but...i say calling people out, to sugarcoat it, i mean address a problem. i'd like to know what i'm doing wrong too. i mean, no one's completely innocent.

i don't measure my friendships in social functions and popularity. i like to measure my friendships in trust...it takes a lot of courage to address problems. i'm used to being non-confrontational, but sometimes...you've just gotta sack-up.

everyone could use a friend. i'm not looking for enemies.