//emo//unknown...too mixed up
//song//all of this : blink 182 f/robert smith (of the cure)

//deserving
i'm a good person. i don't usually say it, but you know--i feel that it's warranted, and that i need to say it. i'm just tired of being taken advantage of. i'm tired of the broken promises. i'm tired of the lies fed to me. i'm tired of the fake friendships thrown my way.

there are so many burdens to being a good person/nice guy/friendly person. sometimes i feel as if i can't take it. i just sometimes wish that i was a complete a**hole so that there was a valid justification as to why some people treat me the way that they do.

frankly, i've never said this before until recently...but, i deserve a lot better than what i've been getting lately.

i'm going to be calling people out on their sh*t. i'm tired of being this hamlet type of character who keeps all this crap bottled in, and goes crazy as a result...untrusting, bitter...i'm sick of it. believe me, i will be calling people out. i don't deserve to be walked all over...and i will no longer let people do that to me.

some people just need a good smack in the face as a wake-up call.

//lies
a lie is an insult to a person's intelligence. it's a breach of trust among friends. it's basically pissing on the bond between two people sharing relations.

//what.i'm.really.thinking
recent events have caused me to re-evaluate relationships. i really need to re-evaluate them and call people out before all of this starts dragging me down.

the weird thing is...i consider orange county my immediate area. and...i've got a lot of good friendships brewing...i mean, i greatly value my friendships with bo and nicole...but, out of everyone in the area, i have just one person that i can wholeheartedly trust, and that's chris g.

i don't know, i'm just used to having a close knit circle of friends around...and it strikes me as strange to have it whittled down to a circle of one. i know i have a budding circle of friends brewing...and i'm learning to trust others, but it takes time.

i just kinda want to know that i've got a friendship in the pocket that i know will be there...i need security, because i'm used to people just going in and out of my life...i'm used to people leaving. i've grown used to abandonment.

i try hanging out with chris whenever i can...it's not always easy. being in your late-teens/early-twenties provides hectic schedules. so...yeah. i love hanging out with bo and nicole (husband and wife)...it's always fun times.

sometimes i wonder with other people what made me become less a friend to them...i can't help but wonder. i need not to get lost in that though.

i like having friends...even better, i like having people i can trust. friendships are really meaningless if i can't really trust people. i mean, there's a little bitterness in me calling people out...but, i really think that it could help them out too--if these are really friendships. it's not always easy being someone's friend...often, it's a labour of love. in the end, you either survive, or move on.

it's difficult for me to accept that i was once close to people and opened up to certain people, just to have that yanked away for no reason. to me, it's borderline betrayal...i take it that personally. but...i say calling people out, to sugarcoat it, i mean address a problem. i'd like to know what i'm doing wrong too. i mean, no one's completely innocent.

i don't measure my friendships in social functions and popularity. i like to measure my friendships in trust...it takes a lot of courage to address problems. i'm used to being non-confrontational, but sometimes...you've just gotta sack-up.

everyone could use a friend. i'm not looking for enemies.