//mood//immense.splendor
//song//if.i.die : something.corporate

//outline
it's a long post...so, here's an outline of today's post:
[~] something.doesn't[clique] : my thoughts on the recent rise of cliques in the workplace (long)
[~] not.so[bitter] : rethinking my past relationship with anne
[~] that.dream : trying to get deeper into the dream that reaffirmed my confidence
[~] positivity : remarking upon my recent feelings, and the balance of feelings

//something.doesn't[clique]
okay. me and work is a love-hate relationship. i love my job. but, there is so much un-needed crap that comes with it. all-in-all, indy has turned into a microcosm of all the bad things that come with the high school stereotype, the most prevalent thing: cliques. the way it looks, there are huge cliques forming. i would usually say that there's nothing wrong with it...but the fact is, i think that we need to be a family moreso than a breeding ground for hate and distrust.

i hate to sound like a super cheese...but i really consider just about everyone at indy my friend. just about everyone. i don't hold any huge grudges unless you're a complete nut-case with a few safeties too many that needs to be fired. seriously, i like to befriend everybody. i don't care if it makes me seem like i'm playing all sides of the field, or whatever...the fact is, everyone is my friend.

it has just really sickened me to come back to work and see all of these cliques arise. it really makes me sick. i would rather spend my breaks alone than to consort with my co-workers during my free time because the way the everyone is acting disgusts me. i spent saturday night pondering how i feel about the whole thing...because i really didn't feel anything about it. i frankly didn't care that i'm not a part of one clique or another...i simply don't care. what i realized is this: i'm not about trying to fit into one thing or another. i've always been a one-on-one/small-intimate-group kind of person, and i'm not about to change that for anything.

i realized that i really felt a lot about the current situation at indy. i felt like a 79-year-old in a 19-year-old body first off. i felt like a potential loner. i felt like a social sponge. but, most of all, i felt disgusted about the whole thing. i feel disgusted that this is even happening.

there was already so much crap going on at indy before i took my hiatus for school...then to come back to see more crap going around, it is just disappointing. i can't help but to think what the hell is happening here?

i think this is why, most of all, i want to get another attraction other than indy. i need out. everything just seems so dishonest. right now, i just go to work to make money. all the social stuff is taking a back seat right now, because i feel like i'm disappointed in everybody. everybody needs to resolve all of this petty crap, whatever it may be...because it makes me f*cking sick to be around it.

i don't consider myself an important person, so i don't think that the way i feel, nor voicing how i feel, will make any difference at all other than a few comments here and there...but, i really feel like i need to vent and voice my disappointment to all parties involved in all this bullsh*t going around. i don't care to be included. i don't care to be un-included. i don't care about inclusion at all...i just think that all of this is utterly immature, and that we're all adults here, and that we need to start acting like it. it may be incredibly idealistic to want such a thing...but, man...it is just an incredible downer to be stuck in the middle of it all.

all i really care about are my friends when it comes to the ridiculous social factors of indy...and it seems like people are getting more and more petty by the day, and this whole clique thing isn't helping things any...and i think almost anyone involved on either side can be held accountable in either way.

working saturday night was kind of torturous to go through...seeing it come alive and spawn to the fullest that i had seen it...it was kind of a shock since it was my first weekend back since my hiatus.

some people are gonna say that i need to get over it...but i don't, because i was never under it, per se. i've been doing my best to try to understand people and be everyone's friend. even when sh*t got tough, like with jessica...somehow, that situation(?) worked itself out (probably because there was no situation). when julie came in town, she helped me realize that jessica probably felt the same problems that i felt with her--we simply weren't talking for no decent reason. i think we found a resolution in the fact that we just simply started talking again...there really was no situation to address at all...the resolution was in talking again like we used to talk.

the social situation at indy just seems like a high school cold war. it's pathetic.

outside of work, i simply hang out with people that ask me to hang out with them, and i have a good time when i do so. i'll hang out with anyone, because i hold no grudges. i'm simple in that way, i'll hang out with anyone. right now, i kinda just want to be alone when it comes to consorting with my co-workers, just because of the sheer sickness that this situation brings. there's no love lost, don't get me wrong...but...i need to sort my feelings out on the whole situation...because i don't want to take sides, i don't want to be seen as if i were taking sides...i'd rather be alone, and i'll talk to the people that i need to talk to about it and feel closest to. i mean, i feel close to nicole, bo, jessica, and julie...and because of that, i feel like i'm in the middle of it all...and it's not easy. it feels easiest, and it feels the best, to take myself out of the situation...because it's less that i have to deal with. social politics were never my thing in the first place. i care more about my friends as indiviuals, rather than my friends as a group. it's easy to hate a group...it's easier to find the flaws and qualities in individuals.

the fact is, for me, there are several other things that are more important than the social climate of my workplace. maybe that's why i'm just disappointed, and not hurt. maybe that's why i care so little. i just simply expect more out of people.

jeez...i'm an apathetic idealist. seems like an unlikely pairing of words.

on second thought, i won't do anything different. i'm going to continue just being everybody's friend, because that's all i know how to do. i'm going to spend my breaks alone, because i find that to be the most comforting...everything else has become uncomfortable because i'm stuck dead in the middle of it all. i'll speak to others when spoken to, but, i'm not going to go out of my way anymore to be included, because it just gets old to care about what everyone else thinks. it gets way old to want to be included in some sort of clique. it's just old. i don't care. i love everyone. everyone's my friend, no one's excluded. i'll keep it that way because i'm happy that way.

//not.so[bitter]
while i was at work on saturday...amidst the bad social climate, i saw something that really brought back a good memory and made me smile: a blast! t-shirt. the first thing that came to my mind was one of my best first dates ever: the one that i had with annie. it was really a good time. now, don't start thinking that i want to get back together with her or anything like that...it just made me realize that there were really a lot of good times in that relationship. it was a really warm feeling that made me smile. i don't really resent annie as much as i say i do. in fact, i'm actually really glad that i dated anne. she was a special girl, and i grew a lot because of the time that we shared together. i really shouldn't resent her at all, and i don't. if i could go back, i really wouldn't change anything. if i didn't make the mistakes that i made while i was with her, then i'd be just as ignorant as i was while i was dating her. there was a lot of good that came out with dating anne. i know a lot more about what i'm looking for in a girl...what i'm looking for in life. dating anne was one of the best things to happen to me during high school, just because it was very much a learning experience for the both of us.

that first date with annie was really a great moment in my life...because everything was so spur of the moment and un-planned...seriously. going to see blast! was a last minute thing. finding someone to go with was a last minute thing. that whole week/weekend was so...random. i remember that the weekend before was the first time that annie really stood out to me, because it was the first time that i'd really laid eyes on her--she was wearing this purple number, and it really captured me...it was the same dress that she wore on our first date...when i asked her to winter formal. i really do hold fond memories of her...no more resentment from here. i hope she's doing well, honestly.

//that.dream
about that dream i had about cheerleader casey...if casey was a representation of all my past crushes...maybe there's something more to it. i mean, i got the confidence thing from that dream, which was a very important thing to get...but, maybe it also meant that i should really just go for whoever i want because i'm single at this moment of time. i'm young and single...something people would kill to be right now. maybe i should expand my sights on more than just one girl at a time, since i'm single right now. not so much be a player...but to not look at flirting with tunnelvision. if i'm this confident then nothing should stop me from living up the single life...you know? eh...easier said than done. whatever.

//positivity
i've been so positive lately. what with the memories of my grandfather and its pertainance to my acting career, and being apathetic about the social climate at indy--while maintaining my idealistic beliefs, and realizing that i really do cherish my past relationships...it's been a very re-affirming time in my life lately. especially with the holidays approaching...i'm usually incredibly depressed this time of the year...but, in fact, i'm the best i've ever been. i'm feeling more confident than ever, and it's a great feeling. it's not just an overdrive of joy, but it's balanced for once. my disappointment in people kind of balances out my happiness...and because of that, i feel like i've got clarity through this balance. it's amazing.