//lo.ca.tion//dreamland...
//moo.d//i don't care
//stat.us//rock*
//cur.rent.ly_play.ing//rock_star : n-e-r-d

//i_am_a_luck.y_[one]
i think that i'm pretty damn lucky that the things that stress about in my life are limited to these:
1//[single]dom (i.e. the lack of a dating situation, women)
2//will_i_get_[my]_pay.check*soon??
3//be.ing_a_[minority]_and_asp.i.ring_for_a_ca.reer_in_en.ter.tain.ment
4//when_will_i_(see)_my_friends_[next]?

pretty much...if i take a step outside of myself, i see a somewhat easy, possibly shallow, life...at least in comparison to what some of my friends and colleagues have going on...the deepest things that i have concern with in my life are the career goals and the relationship motives...which everyone else has concerning their own lives.

i mean...i've decided to stay home for college...if i'd gone anywhere different, i don't know how different the depth of my life would be, what changes i've gone through...i've changed a great deal...

maybe i just deal with change well...i don't know...maybe i just don't deal with it.

i don't know...i don't even know where to go with this topic...all i know is that i am very fortunate to have the life that i have...very fortunate to deal with what little stresses i have...

i don't know if it makes me any less of a person to not deal with so much adversity, or adversity on a smaller degree...i don't even know what the outcome will be...but, all i know is that i'm lucky right now.

i don't know how i've gotten so lucky...i don't know how i get through every day...i just do, and that's a blessing.

there are a lot of liberties in [my] own life that i take for granted, and i'm discovering them little-by-little everyday.

i wish i could write a book on how i do it everyday...and deal with the breakdowns, and build-back up with lightning resilience...but, i just don't know how...i have no method...

if everyone in the world could have the life i have, it'd be a pretty content world...and you could look back at the bumps in the road and say that really wasn't so big.

...i don't know...i've just recently felt like i am a really strong person...

...i wish that i could share that strength with others, and those who need it more.

//[screw]_the_sys.tem:(burn)-the_cult.ur.al_rule.book
i, like many other americans, have ingratiated myself into a society with several socio-cultural rules...and i don't think a lot of these rules make sense. the art of conversation has become mindless and a rarely excercised practice among families and strangers. random acts of kindness now convey a sense of weirdness, instead of genuine nourishment and care. bad news has become mainstream, while good news has a sort of shock value.

this shall serve as my prelude to my anthropology assignment...i like it, so i encourage everyone to do this as well:
break a cultural rule (keep it legal)...de-familiarize the familiar and become aware of the things normally taken for granted.

after doing so...observe the outcome, and the reactions.

one example would be offering to pay more than the given price at a supermarket.

i think one source of the few frustrations in my life is that the cultural rules we live by have made me into a hermit...because it is odd to engage in conversation, it is odd to pass a warm smile toward a random person...

is it really that odd, really that offensive to be approached by a kind person??

//oh...the_(sweet)pleas.ure_of_[random]_not.a.tion
[~]hi t!ff...long time, no talk! miss you! hope you're doing well!

[~]yo mig!...hang in there...i'm there for you, even if that's all i can do.

[~]jesus saves!...free mumia!

[~]i just bought something corporate's ready...break cd on ebay and i'm excited about that.

[~]to my orange county peeps: what is cracking?

[~]hello canada.

[~]go see better luck tomorrow...it's not just that asian movie.

[~]damn the man.

[~]the closing lyrics for this day just kinda fit with what i've been feeling lately...rock on everyone.

shake down you make me break
for goodness sake i think i'm on the edge
of something new with you.
--something corporate : the formal weather pattern (hurricane)

//6 questions that drag my emotional status down
1//why won't they ever call back?
2//why are they all taken?
3//why do they all date these assholes?
4//why am i always just the fucking friend (that gets no fucking of any kind)?
5//why do vegetables taste so bad? (off subject...but...yeah)
6//why isn't there a conventional reason in modern society to just talk to an attractive woman that passes your way?

i swear...this shit was easier when people would misconstrue my sexuality, at least there was a glimpe of a reason for this crap.

--scroll down to today's previous entry!!!

//forgot to add...
i got so caught up in the vulnerability topic that i forgot to add these little items...

//i'll stay for the children
okay...so, i started talking to sean again, at the request of chris, my best friend, since he's both sean and my good friend...it would suck for chris to be in the middle of the shit and not be able to hang out with the both of us at the same time...

besides...i felt bad for sean...sean is a skinny white guy, and he decided to get corn rows, corn rows, white guy...he seemed to like them...he's doing his thing...but...my personal opinion will remain unstated...enough said.

i guess as long as sean doesn't do anything else to horribly piss me off, it'll be fine...but, his ass needs to seriously shape up, because i've got a low toleration for bullshit these days.

//that which does not kill me makes me desperate...er
okay...so that crushing situation kinda opens up your eyes to something...if you feel like you've hit rock bottom, you've really got nothing to lose...and you're still keeping your doors open...so...see how i've got nothing to lose, i'm going to do some more things out of the ordinary since those actions seem to breed the more interesting parts of my day.

but, seriously...

i think the thing that sucks most about the whole crush thing is that it makes me feel like a hypocrite of so many levels because i talk about how guys my age shouldn't feel so shitty about women...and, well...there i am sinking and hiding...so...it kinda makes me say: fuck.

you better watch out because i'm gonna say FUUUUUUCK!!!
--ben folds : rockin' the suburbs

//location//on the back of a milk carton
//mood//moody
//cd in car//meteora by linkin park
//next cd//the early november acoustic ep

//vulnerability
okay...lets see the situation:
1. boy meets girl, boy calls girl, girl has douche-bag boyfriend.
2. boy starts talking to another girl, girl doesn't really pick up her phone.
3. another girl starts talking to boy, but boy isn't that interested in her.

why are there three girls? because i'm not jumping into anything serious at the moment, i just want to casually date and casually go out and see what happens in the meantime. somewhat sleazy? possibly...but, it's also a sort of defense to not get hurt so badly like i have...but, apparently, that defense has been inexplicably weakened.

the fact is, i've really only got a crush on one of the girls...the other two i'd just like to chill with on a fun non-romantic-completely-platonic level.

i didn't realize that i had a crush until about 11.00pm last night...and i felt stupid...because having a crush makes me feel vulnerable and dumb...like a fourteen year-old kid who had just seen his first glimpse of what girls look like in high school. it was bad and stupid feeling.

so...she walks into the restaurant...and i end up doing something completely out of character for me: i literally sink into my chair and jacket, because that is what my natural(?) instinct was--at least that was my first reaction. i've never felt like i had to hide from anyone before...but there i was sinking into my chair and hiding in my jacket...i felt utterly pathetic. it was just the simple sight of her...

i hate crushes and i hate vulnerability and i hate feeling five-years younger than i really am...

i don't even know what it is...i barely know her aside from the one convo we had where we found out a small handful of similarities where the world got smaller...ughhhhh...i guess that's what makes it a crush.

all i'd really like to do is go on a date and get to know here a little more...

shit...that's what i'd like to do with a lot of girls...

but other girls don't make me sink and hide...

...i don't get it. i don't get me.

ughhhhh...damn human idiosynchrases...

it doesn't help that i keep on hearing her boyfriend is a douche-bag.

well...i finally talked to her that night...for a change...i was actually honest with her about my feelings and didn't make a huge deal about it (like i usually do).

last night was different...in a bad way and a good way...

i guess this is growing up.
--blink 182 : dammit

//location//sailing around on a giant peach
//mood//seasick and hungry...but kickin' it old school
//read//not emo!
//from//button-pin on my jacket w/a picture of elmo from sesame street (elmo, not emo!)

//i'll do anything to talk about penises in lecture hall
so...the subjects racial stereotyping and assumptions made upon race came up in discussion in my anthropology class...and naturally, i made allusions to the shake-up in the movie industry caused by better luck tomorrow...which led to the lack of masculine asian males in leading roles in movies....which led to the typical stereotype regarding...

...endowment.

any school day has got to be a good school day when you talk about controversial movies and penises in an academic atmosphere...oh, and i got to yell the word bitch really loud (having to do with the stereotypes regarding assertive women...sooooo sexy).

//when your blood type is krylon technicolor type A
okay...so...i purchased linkin park's meteora not expecting much...since reanimation wore out its welcome in my cd player after a couple days. i'm thinking, fine, i'll buy it, it might be good. sophomore efforts usually aren't so great...but...after hearing it play through, it was like an audio orgasm...audiorgasm. the cd is musically on-point, and is well deserving of a documentary dvd feature. after hearing it play through for the first time, i was like: fuuuck...that was good...then my ears proceeded to smoke a cigarette in a strung-out fashion.

rumor has it that the starting line will be releasing an acoustic album...if it is true, i am truly looking forward to hearing that.

//getting it together and making sweet audiorgasms for everyone
so...the idea of a band may not be so far away. i met a guy at work who plays drums...

the actual format may end up being abstract since we are both interested in the idea of working with musicians with different musical tastes...he's more into metal/hardrock, where as i'm more of a pop-music (pop-punk, emo, indie, pop, hip-hop, r&b, everything but the kitchen sink and country) guy...the results may be something very unique to us, which is exciting...it's a hell-of-a-lot better than creating a sound that is identical to something else (seeing how a lot of the drive thru bands, as much as i love them, sound very much alike).

uniformity=mainstream.
something new=innovative with the potential of a popular and devoted following.

generic punk pin.
--another button-pin on my denim jacket.

//between now-and-then monday and here-or-there wednesday...
i'll choose this-or-that tuesday!!

What Is...

1. Yummier: Chocolate ice cream or strawberry cheesecake?
strrrrrrrawberrrrrrrrry cheeeeeeeeeesecaaaaaaaaaake!!!!

2. Better to watch on TV: Movies or sports?
depends on the movie...but...sports are always a sure bet (i.e. sportscenter).

3. A better web browser: MSIE or Netscape (or tell us your own favorite!)
microsoft internet explorer (and the nerd-alert alarm goes off).

4. A better way to travel: Automobile or bus/train?
can we say road trippin'? auto all the way.

5. Your preferred camera: Digital or film?
film. black and white film.

6. A Cooler Vehicle: Motorcycle or sports car?
sports car baby. i'm a speed junkie, and crotch rockets ain't my style.

7. More fun: Video games or board games?
video game junkie...unless we're playing monopoly or trivial pursuit.

8. Sexier: A perfect body or an intelligent mind?
an in-tell-i-gent mind.

9. A stinkier smell: Skunk or gasoline (petrol)?
skunk. no one likes skunk. some people like petrol.

10. Thought-provoking question of the week: What is more important to you: making a ton of money and being at the top of your field, or finding your soulmate and living a comfortable but not wealthy life?
finding your soulmate, all the way. didn't even have to think about that.

//where//in your mind
//mood//something between mindless and mindful
//lyric//can't take a bullet to my head, you're a watcher like a gun in hand
//from//still waiting : sum 41

//feeling old, maintaining your youth: $20
seeing your adult child do an easter egg hunt: priceless.

okay...so, yesterday was easter...where the death of a savior becomes symbolized in chicken eggs, cadbury eggs, and fake grass in pastel colored baskets. i spent it at my aunt's new house...nice crib. anyways...everyone was feeling kind of old, it doesn't help that i'm turning 20 in less than a year, so, they feel really old whenever i yell that (with the purpose of making them feel old). so...they staged an easter egg hunt for me and my soon-to-be 17-year-old cousin. needless to say, we weren't feeling it.

my initial thought: you couldn't pay me enough to do this shit.

then my aunt, the one who gave me condoms for my 16th birthday, comes in and says there's a $20 dollar prize to whoever finds the most eggs.

my next thought and saying: hell yeah.

so...i compromised myself for a chance at twenty dollars...and i kicked my cousin's ass.

that's gotta make you feel really good. my wallet is a little but fatter...so, it does feel good.

karma police i've given all i can
it's not enough
--karma police : radiohead

//updated...not outdated
just added to my poetry site:
--outside your door

visit!

//where//somewhere near san diego
//mood//screw you westside diner.
//lyric in head//step by step i'll take my turn toward you just to see you burn
//from//toward you : me

//protests are fun
since it would be a bit unconventional and expensive to eat at the regular restaurants at work, we have cast member eateries...the one that works for my side of the park is the westside diner...but lately, those bastards have been raising the prices...so, the indy crew went ahead and had a protest party: which meant free food for my empty-ass wallet.

work is fun. yes it is.

//confidence
yeah...my self-esteem is slowly rising, and my self-confidence isn't so bad anymore..kinda...i still haven't found that dating situation, but hey...i think i'm getting there.

//respect
just a thought: you won't earn my earn my respect...or gain it back, for that matter...overnight. if i feel that your whole life is a series of fuck-ups and just a general disrespect for other peoples' lives in general, it will take some serious time for me to respect you.

i love everyone.

//pajama kids
the pajama game, put on by the canyon high school drama kids, surpassed all of my expectations...y'all rocked.

good job guys.

it's been so long since i saw you cry.
--me : toward you