//loc//outskirts of a magic kingdom
//mood//refreshed.
//music playing//president of what by death cab for cutie
//upper garment//wool v-neck

//the theme of the first three installments revolve around people that i actually gave a shit about during high school.

//sing dammit
seeing how cal state fullerton is more of a commuter school than anything, it is difficult to forge yourself a social scene at that particular university...and to that i say shit.

but...it is spring break, i've decided to be pro-active toward my life and do shit differently this time around so i don't feel so deep in the doldrums of my life.

wednesday night, i went to the block of orange and visited chris @ his work, later to meet up with brenda, stacey, and brittany (in that chronological order). we then headed to alcatraz brewing co. to watch/participate in singdammit, the weekly karaoke event. i was a singdammit virgin until then. i didn't really expect to find a social scene such as the one that i'd found that night...and i really enjoyed it, and myself, there.

so, in summary, i found my social scene.

i'm gonna go back next week...it's freakin fun.

i felt a little out of my element, since:
one//i haven't sung in front of an audience in a long time.
two//i haven't sung soul music in awhile, and the song i chose for that night was a soul song.

as you should be aware, i've veered away from pop-r&b and soul (temporarily) to focus on indie rock/emo-punk-ish type music...so the style was a little different for my voice...but, i think i did well.

so...yeah...all-in-all...it was nice to be surrounded by the people i ended up giving a shit about during the latter part of my high school career (chris, stacey, brenda, brittany...sean's related to that list, but he wasn't there).

//high school reunion
yeah...my drive up to los angeles to see carie culminated to a high school reunion in anaheim hills, which was very nice.

okay...so, yeah...high school, for the most part, was a depressing period of time that i cannot re-live...but, the four years was bookended with periods of time where i was surrounded by people i gave a shit about.

my frosh year of hs, i hung out on a hillside with a select group of freshmen that started out as: mikey, carie, mig, and myself. this group eventually disbanded overtime, due to people growing up, people breaking-up, people hooking-up, outsiders, getting tired of band, new groups taking the spot over, etc.,... nonetheless, the bone remained.

but, yeah...it was cool...

carie and i drove back to anaheim hills to chill with mikey, then mig called from berkeley, and it was like a reunion. it was pretty cool.

the people changed, but the bond was still there. it was enjoyable to re-visit the pre-depression period of my high school life, and be surrounded by a good fraction of the few people that i actually gave a shit about during high school.

love surpasses bullshit.

//i think my ex is a busy mute
yeah...i'm convinced that my ex won't talk to me...even if we broke up over half-a-year ago. i'm making genuine attempts to be her friend and talk to her, and make sure that the we'll always be friends statements we used to say didn't become bullshit. but...apparently, i think to her it's all bullshit. i really want to be her friend...but she's always like i'm kinda busy/i can't talk right now/...(cold-shoulder)...and i'm, like, well shit.

it just really puts me off. on the one hand, i just want to tell her grow up...it makes me see her in a different light.

maybe she's pissed because i pulled an eminem kind of move and re-published some poems she didn't like...i write poetry with un-censored emotion, so, if i write a poem during a period of bitter break-up, don't expect happy poetry.

but...i'm almost ready to throw in the towel and say fine, be a bitch and give me the cold-shoulder, your loss, not every ex-boyfriend is going to be this nice...but, a part of me still gives a shit about her, so i can't simply walk away--even if the end-all involved me breaking-up with her...

(i needed to know what life was like not depending on an emotional attachment for happiness...i'd tell her that's why i broke up with her, but she won't talk to me.)

//better luck tomorrow
the very premise of this movie is an inspiration to me, as it speaks to someone like me: an asian-american young adult lost in the suburbs of orange county, california. now...i'm not accustomed to drug-usage, or being at the top of my class...but the fact that there is a film receiving so much acclaim that has asian-american's in mainstream american roles--(opposed to the stereotypical kung-fu bulletproof crouching dragon martial arts roles)--the fact that there is a film like this gives actors/musicians like me a glimmer of hope.

now, a movie revolving around filipino-american teens called the debut* was released a few years ago...unfortunately, due to limited release (indie film), i missed it's LA release. but, i think this all is a sign of things to come: asian-american actors can shatter stereotypes, look adversity in the eye, and play roles of the (above)average american (above average, because every character in a movie is above or below average, if they're average, they're boring). this film revolved around a white-washed filipino-american teen reconnecting with his cultural-heritage...laugh all you want, but it speaks to me...as a part of american-culture, as a part of being a light on my possible career, as a part of me...it speaks to me.

*(a debut is a coming-of-age ceremony/party for a young-adult girl...becoming a debuttante in simplistic terms...i'm attending one tomorrow)

as excited as i am for better luck tomorrow (releasing apr.11), i am worried somewhat. the debut didn't draw people the the box-offices, despite it's mtv films backing (better luck tomorrow is also backed by mtv films)...i am worried that the movie won't attract the attention it deservingly needs, and the prolonged stereotype of the asian-in-film will be sustained. yes, the story is a bit salty too...but, i'm not really worried about it. i do think the world is ready to see asian-americans in a regular light, not kung-fu kicking, not doing news reports.

but, i have one big personal worry: my initial thought was i need to find some asian friends to see this film.

ultimately, i don't think my white friends who i normally hang out with could swallow the concept of this film...the very fact that asians lead normal lives on film (despite the fact they have at least one asian friend: me). the racial jokes that leave their mouths on a daily basis provide the foundation for my reticence to offer their company upon viewing this groundbreaking work of cinema. the fact is, i really do believe that they do up-hold racial stereotypes...and that i'm just an exception because i'm whitewashed, or something. i know i should have more faith in my friends...hell, even i make racial jokes...but, the fact is, i really don't think that they'd understand why this film is so important to me, and why i am so excited for it--but rather, just another basis to crack race jokes in a movie theatre.

i love my friends...but...i'm conflicted all of a sudden because this event puts a lot of things into perspective...and i don't know if i'll like the outcome, the final decision. i also feel very distant from my cultural-heritage, but...i've spent so much time saying it's because i'm filipino-american...maybe i'm just denying the fact that i am mostly filipino.

don't you look away too long
you see i've got something you might need
don't look away too long
i said you may not believe and i just may concede.
--something corporate : plucked

//poetic impulse just got a major facelift...so...visit it.

//loc.//less than 15 miles from work
//mood//so confused and horny...like a nineteen year old guy...oh, wait.
//music playing//heroine by something corporate
//top//ribbed black turtleneck

//still horny...and confused now
i think someone is playing an april fool's joke on me...but, i don't know...but...the tag-board has this message for me:

Aching4Nate: Nate! You are such a good lover. I would have never imagined that you would have such a nice package. Oh baby, I cannot wait to see you again! *wink*

seeing how only one person in the world has seen my package, and it was 4 years ago...and she doesn't have my web address to my knowledge, unless miguel gave it to her...but...i don't know.

still, i don't think she'd leave that kind of message...

it's a really funny message to me...as much as i'd like to think it to be reality, i think it's just some april fool's prank right now...

maybe i really do have a nice package...

i'd just like to know who left the message...because, as much as i enjoy the possible joke...it has aroused my curiousity.

teehee...aroused...

it's kinda funny...because...stuff happened about this time four years ago...funny how i remember stuff like that.

i've been in a dry spell since...

ugh...

//tomorrow
i picked up a work shift from 9-1:15p tomorrow...so, i'm happy...more money...

then after that, i'll go home, shower, drive up to los angeles and see carie...which i'm looking forward to...just to catch up and stuff...and to see LA...but mostly to see carie...because she was a really cool friend that i had frosh year in hs...then lost that friendship after a break-up...then there we had a sort of cold-war for 3 years...then just decided to be cool with eachother...and now we're gonna chill tomorrow...it'll be fun.

it was this time last year
you're so much different now
you watch the traffic clear
you hear the cars spin out
i never thought you'd last
i never dreamed you would
you watch your life go past
you wonder if you should
--something corporate : heroine

//location//anaheim hills, fo' shizzle.
//mood//excited for work...still unfulfilled and horny
//music playing//konstantine by something corporate
//shirt//plain white tee.

//horny
you know those certain people that you see, and when you see them...you just get horny?? i know i'm not the only one out there...

i don't know...i'm trying to curb my horniness...

sexual attraction is fun.

//poetry
go to poetic impulse...i updated again.

your skin, oh yeah your skin and bones
turn in to something beautiful
you know, for you i'd bleed myself dry.
for you i'd bleed myself dry.
--coldplay : yellow

//updated site
after a long hiatus, i've finally added 2 new poems to poetic impulse. please visit the site, and post your comments!
--above my knees
--catch up

//location//gramma's crib
//mood//unfulfilled...like a puzzle missing a few pieces
//music playing//anything by dramarama
//shirt//grey polo w/maroon and baby blue stripes

//the indy training sessions
it's official now, disney owns my ass.

the indiana jones traning sessions were really fun. my trainers were awesome...i met some of my co-cast members, and all of them seemed really cool.

so...i work tomorrow 4-8:45, and i'm pretty psyched. i get to make money again. and that's always a good thing...because i need it.

//catch up and mustard on saturday
with all my early sleeping lately, i took some time to catch up with friends over the weekend.

i visited stacey and brenda a bagel me! on sat. then visited some of the drama kids on their tech day (reece: it's cool, tech didn't look that fun. i left because i needed to get going.) then chilled with chris, stacey, thomas, and natalie that same night...then finished off by seeing carie and her usc buddies @ in-n-out. it was a really cool saturday night...especially because i was deprived of sleep and got crazy in the coconut.

it's spring break, and i hope to see more people, and more of everyone this week.

i'm hoping to catch up with carie again this thursday...it should be fun.

//unfulfillment
you know that pathetic feeling i've been talking about? well, it hasn't really gone away...

i don't know...i just feel unfulfilled...like, i need to do something new...something crazy...

there's an absence inside...and i want to know why i feel that way.

it's like...i want to jump out of a plane...and wait until the last minute to pull the parachute release cord.

i don't want to feel the breeze against my body...i want to feel it blow through my body.

i want to fly.

i will fly.

if i don't...at least i can love.

//life just happens...and i'm a better person for it.
i like the way that life just happens. you can't expect life...it's just there. you can't anticipate it...you can't really plan it...it's intangible, but you can feel it.

i think that is something i'm realizing more every single day.

i think that the realization is making me a better person in the meanwhile.

in an almost buddhist way, it alleviates me of desire...kinda.

life just happens.
love just happens.
making love just happens.
friends just happen.

//jazzclub
carie asked me if i wanted to go to culver city tonight to see a band with her friends tonight...i wish i could...unfortunately
1//no money...i can barely afford the $9 entry to the club (sad, huh?)
2//i only have a half-tank...if i made it out there, i wouldn't make it back.

but...there's always wednesday, thursday, or friday, or saturday...it's spring break...i'll see her sometime this week.

breathe in deep, let it out slow
did you hear? it's all my fault again
i know why no one else knows
why i am all alone again, again
--the early november : every night's another story