//where//you know where.
//mood//re-mixed.
//lyric in head//none
//song in head//none

//uneventful...but productive.
okay...so, yesterday was quite uneventful for the most part, since i spent a good portion of the day sleeping. as morbid as the though may seem...i might as well have been in a coma.

but...when i woke up...i still felt like shit, emotionally and physically. i stayed in my room and wrote poetry all night.

so...go to my poetry page. five new works have been added:
--hit the brakes
--random thoughts regarding energy, life, and the world
--awareness breeds torment
--dead.
--nothingness sinking

my state of mind was a little off yesterday, so, the subject matter may be a bit morbid at points, depending on how you look at it.

//anti-war sentinment...still??
you know...i was going to write something about the war, and anti-war stuff...but the fact is, i'm tired of talking about it...the world has been saturated with propaganda, war coverage and cheerleading, advocacy journalism, and censorship...i'm just tired of it all. i don't feel like putting anymore negative shit in the world. i think everyone just needs to shut up, on both sides (pro-war and anti-war).

the fact is, we've got troops out there still fighting this war...there is still a battle going on...they need our support right now...that's the only thing that matters.

i oppose war in general, not just this war, but any war in general...but i'm behind the troops, i think that's what matters most right now.

my last war-related comment for the while: is it just me, but does it seem like fox news is looking for reasons to prolong this war? it seems like without any shit going on in the world, fox news would be nothing. it's like they're the ultimated conservative bearers of bad news.

//lost identity
as you may have been able to tell from my poetry, i feel as if i've lost my identity...i don't know who i am anymore. i don't know if i just fooled myself out of that semi-depressive state i felt last december...i feel like shit again...i feel like it's taking me over physically this time even more so.

//movies
good movie weekend, i think. i'm going to try to catch better luck tomorrow, as should you, since i am lucky enough to live in a close vicinity to a movie theatre screening it.

also, i wanna try to see anger management since i'm really digging the comedic team up of sandler and nicholson...

...good movies this weekend...seems like it's worth the money.

...can't think of any lyrics to post...just go to my poetry page.

//where//lower west coast.
//mood//mixed
//lyric in head//all the sadness, all the rage, throw this book away
//lyric from//smoke : ben folds five

//getting justified
so last night was singdammit karaoke night at alcatraz brewing co....needless to say, i didn't sing: i performed...and actually just had fun.

last night i performed like i love you, and it came off well...i ended up standing on chairs and finished the song with a dance break...and hitting those high notes were fun...so...yeah...it was awesome.

//get your work on
i went to work yesterday, it wasn't that crowded, but it was the most crowded it has been all week...i could tell because a lot of the guests were incredibly bitchy...but, whatever, i don't have to see them again...too many good moments to focus on anyways.

if i didn't have karaoke night, i probably would have hit hooters with my co-cast members...hot wings sound good right now...but, yeah, like i said, the indiana jones crew is really tight knit, and i wouldn't mind going out after work with the rest of them when i get the chance.

//low air-fares...
i'm planning on making a trip up to no-cal sometime soon just for a night, jet blue has the best airfares so far...so, i just need to find a free weekend and pad my checking account enough to afford it...i wanna go up to berkeley and hang out with mig and just check out no-cal, since i've never been there before...and since i won't be driving, i'll actually be able to get wasted a little.

//confronting issues
okay...i don't know, i think i've been lying to myself. i've been deluding myself into thinking that i'm this super-confident guy who feels really good about himself and proud of who he is...the fact is: i don't know if it's the truth anymore. i've been doing it so long that i don't know if it's an act or really who i am. it sounds nutty and weird...but...i don't know how to deal with my self-esteem issues...because i think that they are there, in one form or another.

the only time i feel really confident is when i'm putting on a performance that i'm really proud of...otherwise...i don't know.

sometimes i wonder if i my real personality is just really fucking bland, and that's why people can't stand me. that's why my ex won't talk to me. that's why people don't understand me, or create false understandings of who i am...fuck it...i don't know. screw everything.

sometimes i wonder if my happiness is all just a facade too.
if so...i'm no better than the people that i've given up on.

//reminder
tomorrow: better luck tomorrow opens in select cities, i urge you go to see it...no matter what race you are.

i kept everything inside and even though i tried it all fell apart ...
--linkin park : in the end

//loc//lo-cal...so-cal...not no-cal...local.
//mood//incredible and jumpy.
//lyric in head//it says sit back and take this time to lose your mind...
//lyric from//this ride by the starting line

//aching for...me???
i really don't know who the identity of this aching4nate person is (in case you don't know who i am referring to...see my tag-board)...but, um...yeah. if i wasn't so damned entertaining, i'd go ahead and remove the tags...but, really, i don't see the harm being done as of yet. it's just entertaining for now...it makes this site a little bit more fun.

//dating around...but not really
i'd love to say that my relationship status is dating around...

...but, the simple and pathetic fact is, i'm hard-pressed to find someone that would date me...just a fun innocent casual date...but, whatever.

i can't really say that i'm dating around when i haven't been on a date for...awhile. we don't need to give a time frame, or anything.

but yeah...i don't know...a date would just be fun...or at least an outing with a new friend, or something.

//friends
i love cal state fullerton, i think it's awesome...except for the fact that it's a commuter school, so, there isn't a lot of sociability involved in this campus...at least not that you can get involved in it easily...so, much differently than in high school, i don't have any social circles to really hang out with. i miss that element, as shallow as it could get...i remember being in a few social circles in high school: the band geeks, choir kids, drama kids, the social misfit circles, my girlfriend's friends, and so on...but, here...there isn't anything like that. i'm not on campus enough to really garner a social circle either...so...damnit.

i guess that's one reason why i'm going to karaoke tonight, because it is a decent social scene...but still...i don't know...they could just as easily not include me in that scene. so...i don't know.

i guess that's another reason why i like working where i do. the indiana jones crew is really tightly knit, at least it seems...so, maybe there's hope there...i hope...i hope there's hope...hoping for hope...how redundantly repetitive.

i guess as shitty as high school was, a part of me misses it...at least the people that i gave a shit about, even if i hang out with a few of them at scattered points in time. the sad thing is, i've lost communication with some of the people i cared about almost completely...the ones that were there from the beginning are scattered about california, but i still keep in contact with them, which is awesome...the ones that i met in the middle i never really cared about...and the ones that were there in the end are standing the tests of time, one of whom i'm really pissed at for his borderline-racism, i don't really talk to the girls much, and the only one of the guys who i hang out with from the end-crew is chris whenever our schedules work (i.e. this saturday: sum 41, starting line, no use for a name @ the palladium!!).

i'd like to think that i'd end my first year of college with a few friends that i picked up from my college...i feel like the one character from the real world that you barely see, in regards to my university experience. it's not that fun.

but...as much as i'm trying to pick up on new relationships, i'd just like to take a moment to count my blessings and thank the friends that i do have.

(in case you're wondering where i'm coming from, i just read mig's blog and it made me think a little bit.)

//reminder about april 11th
remember, if you're lucky enough to live in a city that gets the limited release of better luck tomorrow, GO SEE IT!!!

just like the movie chicago, this movie will go into limited release, then into mainstream release. the overall success of how many cities this movie his revolves around the limited release success.

it is very important to the art of cinema and all performing arts that this movie gets the recognition that it deserves...it's not just about one race for me...it's about being an actor with limited opportunities.

better luck tomorrow his seclected cities friday, april 11.

as we crawl up the stairs
grabbing everything falling down
we rip the shades to see the light
finding hope in broken light
--the early november : ashala rock

//i'm centered
seriously, despite all the negativity, i really am doing well...those were only two people in my life, compared to the several other people who bring me joy...my life doesn't revolve around them...it doesn't revolve around anyone really...except for myself. i'm extremely self-centered...but, at least i'm centered.

//hit the theatres, in select cities, april 11th
okay...before i heard about better luck tomorrow, i had almost given up hope of becoming an actor of any kind. i don't do martial arts, nor do i speak the languages that my ancestors spoke, other than american-english. so...as a filipino-american and asian-american (since the entertainment industry would make them all the same), i really feel that the roles that i could really fill were limited. the most dramatic that i've seen an asian-american in an american film is john cho from american pie...which is promising, but small...but he's also in blt.

lets just look at my theatre department: predominantly white...there are very few asians in my theatre department. a film like this could bring out asians that previously felt that they didn't have a chance in the entertainment industry. the movie has re-kindled my hope in the entertainment industry.

i'd like the world to see me for all i am...not just asian, not just filipino, not just an actor, not just a singer...all that i am: a human that breathes the same air, bleeds blood, and sits down to do his business. unfortunately, the entertainment industry would see me as a tool to kick down doors, speak broken english, and so on.

maybe the director didn't set out to make this film as a groundbreaking cinema...but, it is a groundbreaking one nonetheless.

i've never felt the need to have to fit some sort of identity related to my race...neither should anyone else.

Why would you, with all the talent up there and yourself, make a film so empty and amoral for Asian-Americans and for Americans? --viewer of blt at sundance film festival.

What I find very offensive and condescending about your statement is nobody would say to a bunch of white filmmakers, 'How could you do this to your people?' Asian-American characters have the right to be whoever the hell they want to be. They do not have to represent their people. --critic roger ebert, at sundance, in response to the previous statement.

--maybe people will understand.

//loc//right here.
//mood//jumpy...as i want to jump someone...anyone.
//lyric in head//i wanna hate you so bad, but i can't stop this anymore than you can.
//lyric from//bike scene : taking back sunday

//the common theme: i can only take so much
(i know this comes off as a shit-talking entry...i'm venting a lot of things that i feel right now...so, pardon me.)

//regarding the ignorance
okay...so, you've got a friend, right?

at the same time, you prove to be the very antithesis of what this friend is...so...that leaves a lot of room for conflict.

damn near every thing this friend says or does pisses you off, but, you just brush it off saying oh, that's just how my friend is.

pretty soon, you reach a breaking point. i think i've reached mine.

i've spent so much time in my friendship with sean trying to pardon his irresponsible actions, his inappropriate attitudes toward life, and his borderline-racism bred through ignorance. i've come to the conclusion that maybe he isn't the best friend out there with whom to be sticking around. i can only see myself getting more pissed, and the situation getting worse.

i've set around listening to his idiotic racially insensitive jokes, while everyone either plays along or says nothing because they just say oh, it's just sean...don't listen to anything he says.

fine, i won't listen to anything to anything he says, at the same time, i won't stick around to listen to him either.

he doesn't listen to anyone else, while the things everyone else says to him has great relevance to the mistakes he makes in life, or the mistakes he is about to make...and he keeps on doing the same stupid shit over and over again.

i'm not going to sit back and watch him fuck up all the time, nor will i put up with his racial insensitivity.

the thing that pushed me over the edge is that he truly proved my point about people not being able to understand where i come from about being really excited about an asian-american film that is, in an indirect way, about asian empowerment in the american entertainment industry...his inappropriate assumptions about me, and the film, really pushed me over the edge in regards to my friendship with him...at the time, i was too faded to have any harsh reaction to him, so i told him you know what, forget about it.

i've simply had enough with him...ignorance and irresponsibility only goes so far with me.

i can't relate to him anymore, we adhere to completely different morals...i have them, and he barely has any.

yeah, he's one of those friends that will do anything for you...but, doing things and being someone are different things...and i can't stand who he is anymore. i've tried outweighing the good against the bad in his character, and i can't do it anymore.

i just can't.

//regarding the ex
yeah, the worst happened at work yesterday (which really isn't so bad).

so, spring break just started at a lot of local high schools, so disneyland is reaching one of its peak seasons...and, i'm expecting to bump into a lot of old high school colleagues (i.e. my ex).

and, well...yeah...a group of girls comes up to the indiana jones line, it's a group of canyon girls...i tell them to go ahead into the entrance. next thing you know, to my surprise--because i didn't know that this was her crowd--there's annie. she waits until the last possible second to say hello to me, if i hadn't turned around to ask one of the girls a question, she wouldn't have even acknowleged me.

the thing that pisses me off is the fact that she'll always be my ex, and not my friend. i've really put in efforts to talk to her and catch up with her to see how she's doing, and i feel like she still holds this bitter grudge (after nearly seven months) against me.

i'm like, get over it.

it's like this: she likes to build this perfect world around her, acting like she's going to be nice to everyone including those not as well off as she is...but, the moment there is a crack in her perfect world, she shuts down...or shuts people away.

in short: i'm just tired of trying to be her friend. it's not worth it to me to get a cold shoulder every time i try to make a genuine attempt at conversation with her and really caring about how she's doing.

maybe i just want to remember her as a good person and genuine person, rather than the things that i'm feeling about her right now: cold and fake.

after this entry, if she knows i have this site, if she reads it...i know i won't be able to get her friendship back, because this will just be another crack in her world of perfection...but...whatever...i'm done anyways. i'm done caring.

i'm done caring about people that fail to reciprocate.

screw it all. i can deal with imperfection...it doesn't shatter my world.

amidst all the negativity that i've been feeling, i'm actually still a happy person, because there is so much more to be happy about than these stupid things that i've tried at length to make better, but cannot make better.

fuck it all. i'm going to still be happy. no one can take that from me except for me.

and will you tell all your friends
you've got your gun to my head.
this all was only wishful thinkin,
this all was only wishful thinkin.
--taking back sunday : cute without the 'e' (cut from the team)

//this or that tuesday

Who is:

1. Sexier (female)...Pamela Anderson or Jennifer Garner?
jennifer garner...i go for brunettes moreso than for blondes.

2. Sexier (male)...Ben Affleck or Matt Damon?
ben affleck...again with the brunette thing, in a heterosexual way.

3. The better piano player...Billy Joel or Elton John?
elton...don't much care for billy.

4. Funnier...David Letterman or Craig Kilborn?
kilborn...but neither is any match for conan.

5. The dumber cartoon cat...Stimpy (of *Ren & Stimpy*) or Tom (of *Tom & Jerry*)?
stimpy...all the way...and funnier.

6. A better news anchor...Tom Brokaw or Dan Rather?
tom brokaw.

7. A better TV chef...Emeril Lagasse or Jacques Pepin?
umm...i only watch the food channel for iron chef...so...i can't say.

8. The trashier talk show host...Maury Povich or Jerry Springer?
jerry springer...he exploits bad acting.

9. The worse fast food burger joint...McDonald's or Burger King?
burger king...i just ate mickey-d's for breakfast.

10. Thought-provoking question of the week: Only a handful of U.S. Presidents have been considered to be *great* Of the following two, which one do you consider to be greater...Franklin D. Roosevelt or Abraham Lincoln? Why?
franklin d. roosevelt. good ol' abe only freed the slaves as a political manuever to piss off the southerners, at least that's what i think, so i question his motives. (wow...i might get in trouble for that last answer...)

//where//back 2 school...i'm so cool for using the number 2
//mood//aiiiight!
//music in head//you're not alone : home grown
//upper body//blue sweater, light blue beanie

//umm...
i've got the munchies.
i've got drymouth.
i'm kinda paranoid.

...just kidding.

spring break was really kinda awesome all in all. it was the first time, in awhile, that i couldn't complain about it...seriously.

unfortunately, i didn't get the chance to call up any of the oc bands that were looking for frontmen/lead-singers...so, i need to get to that...i'm kinda keeping myself from my dreams.

//work it
i'm really enjoying work so far. can't really say much more about that...yeah.

//i figured it out
you know that annoying question: what's your biggest fear in life?...well, i've never really had a real answer, until now.

my biggest fear is fading into the background, unnoticed.

i think i'm sinking into that fear.

//don't get annoyed
i'm gonna be plugging better luck tomorrow everytime that i get a chance to update...so, don't get annoyed.

i do ask everyone to support this movie for the fact that it breaks the stereotype of asian-american cinema...

the fact is, yes, this is a movie about asian empowerment...the fact that asian-americans can make movies that don't have to do with martial arts or an amy tan book (i can still look at this with a little humor, as serious as i am about this).

racial typecasting has become an almost expected evil in the entertainment business...please support this movie, go buy tickets for this movie and see it...defy the system.

the film isn't just about asian-america...but, it's about some harsh realities (of course magnified and exaggerated, because it's a movie) about orange county, calif...which may reflect your neighborhood.

whatever tomorrow brings, i'll be there with open arms and open eyes.
--incubus : drive