//loc//right here.
//mood//jumpy...as i want to jump someone...anyone.
//lyric in head//i wanna hate you so bad, but i can't stop this anymore than you can.
//lyric from//bike scene : taking back sunday

//the common theme: i can only take so much
(i know this comes off as a shit-talking entry...i'm venting a lot of things that i feel right now...so, pardon me.)

//regarding the ignorance
okay...so, you've got a friend, right?

at the same time, you prove to be the very antithesis of what this friend is...so...that leaves a lot of room for conflict.

damn near every thing this friend says or does pisses you off, but, you just brush it off saying oh, that's just how my friend is.

pretty soon, you reach a breaking point. i think i've reached mine.

i've spent so much time in my friendship with sean trying to pardon his irresponsible actions, his inappropriate attitudes toward life, and his borderline-racism bred through ignorance. i've come to the conclusion that maybe he isn't the best friend out there with whom to be sticking around. i can only see myself getting more pissed, and the situation getting worse.

i've set around listening to his idiotic racially insensitive jokes, while everyone either plays along or says nothing because they just say oh, it's just sean...don't listen to anything he says.

fine, i won't listen to anything to anything he says, at the same time, i won't stick around to listen to him either.

he doesn't listen to anyone else, while the things everyone else says to him has great relevance to the mistakes he makes in life, or the mistakes he is about to make...and he keeps on doing the same stupid shit over and over again.

i'm not going to sit back and watch him fuck up all the time, nor will i put up with his racial insensitivity.

the thing that pushed me over the edge is that he truly proved my point about people not being able to understand where i come from about being really excited about an asian-american film that is, in an indirect way, about asian empowerment in the american entertainment industry...his inappropriate assumptions about me, and the film, really pushed me over the edge in regards to my friendship with him...at the time, i was too faded to have any harsh reaction to him, so i told him you know what, forget about it.

i've simply had enough with him...ignorance and irresponsibility only goes so far with me.

i can't relate to him anymore, we adhere to completely different morals...i have them, and he barely has any.

yeah, he's one of those friends that will do anything for you...but, doing things and being someone are different things...and i can't stand who he is anymore. i've tried outweighing the good against the bad in his character, and i can't do it anymore.

i just can't.

//regarding the ex
yeah, the worst happened at work yesterday (which really isn't so bad).

so, spring break just started at a lot of local high schools, so disneyland is reaching one of its peak seasons...and, i'm expecting to bump into a lot of old high school colleagues (i.e. my ex).

and, well...yeah...a group of girls comes up to the indiana jones line, it's a group of canyon girls...i tell them to go ahead into the entrance. next thing you know, to my surprise--because i didn't know that this was her crowd--there's annie. she waits until the last possible second to say hello to me, if i hadn't turned around to ask one of the girls a question, she wouldn't have even acknowleged me.

the thing that pisses me off is the fact that she'll always be my ex, and not my friend. i've really put in efforts to talk to her and catch up with her to see how she's doing, and i feel like she still holds this bitter grudge (after nearly seven months) against me.

i'm like, get over it.

it's like this: she likes to build this perfect world around her, acting like she's going to be nice to everyone including those not as well off as she is...but, the moment there is a crack in her perfect world, she shuts down...or shuts people away.

in short: i'm just tired of trying to be her friend. it's not worth it to me to get a cold shoulder every time i try to make a genuine attempt at conversation with her and really caring about how she's doing.

maybe i just want to remember her as a good person and genuine person, rather than the things that i'm feeling about her right now: cold and fake.

after this entry, if she knows i have this site, if she reads it...i know i won't be able to get her friendship back, because this will just be another crack in her world of perfection...but...whatever...i'm done anyways. i'm done caring.

i'm done caring about people that fail to reciprocate.

screw it all. i can deal with imperfection...it doesn't shatter my world.

amidst all the negativity that i've been feeling, i'm actually still a happy person, because there is so much more to be happy about than these stupid things that i've tried at length to make better, but cannot make better.

fuck it all. i'm going to still be happy. no one can take that from me except for me.

and will you tell all your friends
you've got your gun to my head.
this all was only wishful thinkin,
this all was only wishful thinkin.
--taking back sunday : cute without the 'e' (cut from the team)