it's official...i put in my two-week notice yesterday...my last available day to be scheduled will be sunday, february 2, 2003. it's crazy...i can't believe that i'm quitting my first job...but, it's cool, because i'll be taking a step in the direction of a possible career...and that's freakin awesome. it's like a calling from God himself.

yeah...today is my birthday, and it's cool...not exciting, but cool. i'm just chillin out today. i woke up next to my cell phone, chris text-msg'd me to say happy b-day...then i went to bagel me! and got a super c where mig called to say happy birthday. i'm not at all disenchanted by my birthday, but, to me, it's just another day. it isn't that important to me, like it has been in past years, that all these people that i want to be my friends notice me today...i don't know, i'm just really looking forward to going out to dinner with my parents, and getting money and presents (of course).

i'm happy today...that's a good way to start off being nineteen...

i should move to canada, then i'd be legal, and i wouldn't need a fake id.

i've been working retail for too long, now that today is my birthday, all i can think about are those freaky little singing/dancing hamsters that sing and dance to songs...particularly the two birthday hamsters...yeah, target sells those...when you see/hear them everyday, it's hard to forget, no matter how hard you try. hehe...

i like my hard today...i used pomade for a change, i didn't want to go for the uber-spike look like i usually do...my hair is more mellow that it usually is, it's quite reflecting of my mood and attitude today.

smiles.

okay...so...i got a job offer on monday to choreograph and be a vocal director for a performing arts group...at $10/hour and 20 hours a week, and $10-$15 more per person i teach, i think i'll take the job...that means leaving target. i know that it's just target...but it's my first job, and it's really weird leaving my first job...but, the new job is going to be in the direction of something i love to do, and making a career out of it...so, whoot²!!!

i turn nineteen tomorrow...yeah...it's still just another day in my book, with a few presents and dinner...but, hey, it's a birthday, can't be that unexcited about it...no, i believe the next birthday i'll be really really excited about won't be for another two years...my 21st, then i won't need a fakie...i still need to find a good source for a fakie right now.

i'm heading up on the home stretch for my braces...that's right, it's just another few months and they'll be off...after that, i'm planning to finally get some headshots done so i can send them to talent agencies...i need to get that done, i don't want to get headshots while i've still got these braces...it'll be so worth the two years if i can get my smile straightened out, it's looking pretty damn good right now, if i do say.

oh yeah, i finally did the lottery scratchers that i got for christmas (it's a family tradition to get lottery scratchers at christmas)...it turns out that i won a total of $106 and a free ticket. let me rephrase that...$106 and a free ticket! i was pretty psyched about that.

well...i can't do this for much longer, i must bid adieu...i need to go to work and put my two weeks notice in...take care, and much love to all.

i'm feeling pretty good right now, for a change. it's nice.

the cherry on top of all of this is if i could find a girl to chill with...get some hugs and cooties from...yaknowhatimsayin!?!

alright so, if you haven't already, check out my poetry journal...i updated it with eight new poems, kinda. well, seven out of eight were poems previously unpublished...one dating all the way back to 2000...so...please check it out, i'll be pleased if you do.

i wish i wasn't so preoccupied with whether or not i'm attractive to the opposite sex...you know, physically attractive. a lot of the time, i just feel ugly...or goofy-looking.

it's really weird using my grandmother's computer to do my updates...there's a winter formal picture from a little less than a year ago...the first picture of me and annie...fun times.

but, it's over now...and it was my doing.

do i miss it? every now and then, yes. when you used to be in love, but are presently not, you always miss being in love with someone.

now, i don't think she'll even talk to me. i still want to be her friend...but, that kind of stuff rarely works out.

a lot of my ex-girlfriends refuse to talk to me. sad.

it makes me wonder about what kind of person i've become...if i've spent the past nineteen years becoming a jerk, someone incapable of loving.

i'm just paranoid...because, deep down, i know that i'm a good person...a really good person that wants to make everyone i come in contact with feel special in someway.

i think that's the core of why i get myself down a lot...it just seems impossible to make everyone--everyone--feel special...there will always be those select few people that you won't be able to reach. i need to accept that.

just a few more days, and i'll be nineteen years old. i'm still not that excited.