//mood//redeemed_and_quite.surprised
//song//hands.down : dashboard.confessional

//maxims
a few maxims that i’ve been trying to tell myself for five years have just started to make sense now:

[~] everything happens for a reason.
[~] good things happen when you least expect it.
[~] when one door closes, another window opens.

yesterday, it started making sense, and it was nice to catch a glimpse of why it all makes sense...

//quick.rundown
okay, so, here’s a very consise rundown of the events of yesterday:

[*] went to brunch for my little brother’s first birthday(!!)
[~] registered for fall 2003 classes, got none of the professors i wanted...but at least i got the classes, right? grr...
[~] bought the bad boys ii soundtrack...(so-so)
[*] went to the block to pick up chris
[~] went to disneyland
[*] met up with jessica and was introduced to her friend kristen.
[~] made a lame joke.
[*] had a lot of fun meeting kristen, and spending the evening with everyone.
[~] watched fantasmic! for the first time. (enjoyed it!)
[~] chris and i parted ways with jessica and kristen.

it was very good times. (a day off well spent)

//great.unexpectations
i’ll go ahead and call yesterday the unexpected thursday...it’s so reflective of my whole summer. if i had to call this summer anything, it’d probably be called the unexpected summer. every good and bad thing has sort of blindsided me...but, everything has really turned out to be quite pleasant so far.

i’m really learning not to expect anything...that’s when good things happen.

//today
today is friday, and i don’t know what’s going beyond the fact that i have no summer school, i have the day off, and i might have evening plans (how reminiscent of last friday). this time, i don’t expect much really. it’d be nice to not spend tonight sitting on my ass at home...but, if i do go out tonight, it’ll be without expectations--with no strings attached.

//what.i’m.thinking.right.now
[~] hanging out with chris was cool...i don’t lend out my own money that often, but, i made exceptions for him.
[~] i wanna see the dashboard concert.
[~] i wanna see the drive thru tour.
[~] i can’t wait until october (something corporate’s new album)
[~] redemption is nice.
[~] good things also happen when you’re not trying, too.

[*] i think i’d really like to talk to jessica soon.
[*] i really want to hang out with kristen again sometime soon.

do you like making out?
and long drives? and brown eyes?
and guys that just don’t quite fit in?
--dashboard confessional : so impossible

//mood//vacant_and_somewhat_glee

//first.off
i updated poetic impulse...i just posted a rough draft of an emo-ish kinda song that i just wrote a few minutes ago...so, please tell me what you think, i'm gonna be on the piano for the next few days figuring this song out.

[~]anything with you

i don't think i have to explain it...it's raw emotion, so, please jump on over and let me know what you think!!

//burned
i'm determined not to stay at home this friday night. but, so far...it looks like i'm headed in that direction...

//earlier
i wrote earlier today, so go ahead and scroll down and read today's earlier entry.

take care folks. smile. :)

//mood//contemplative_and_glee
//music//fall : something corporate

//movie
yesterday, i purchased a movie that i had never seen, only heard of, on a complete whim. i didn't know if i was wasting my money or not...but, i just felt drawn purchase it. when i got home, i went straight to my room and watched it.

punch-drunk love is an awesome movie.

it's nice to see that adam sandler can show a little bit of versatility as an actor...

the movie was just beautifully done. the cinematography did the script very well. it was very well directed...and it was just a really good movie. i was glad that i'd bought it on a whim...i wasn't disappointed at all.

//music
buy these two cds:
[~] thrice : the artist in the ambulance
[~] yeah yeah yeahs : fever to tell

i'd just bought those two cds yesterday, and both of them rock.

i'd be listening to thrice right now...but, i'm just having a soco kind of morning...it keeps me positive...i don't need to get amped right now.

//glee
i'm just glad that i got my essay done...i just need to compile everything right now...but, i'm smashing right now.

later days...

i'll see some of you later.
i'll see some of you at work.

tomorrow's my first day off in 10 days!!!

shake down you make me break
for goodness sake i think i'm on the edge
of something new with you
--something corporate : hurricane

(oh, if only you knew...but, because of constant obstacles, i'll change course and try to deal...at least you're my friend)

//mood//lazy

//look@me
hey...i just added a couple of pics of myself to the sidebar...

so, if you've never seen me, you can see me...inebriated.

they're both from a night of drinking and partying...and i didn't whip the camera out until after about 3 bottles...and the second picture is after 6 or 7 bottles, 3/4ths of a flask of rum, and a shot of ???...so...

better pictures to come soon. i swear.

by better, i mean...pictures of me while i'm sober.

//drunk
i've had the something corporate some drunk girl stuck in my head for the past few days...i'm almost done learning it on the piano, i just need to learn how to play the bridge part...then i'll be done. it's pretty easy, it's the same chord progression throughout, save for the bridge. i'm almost there.

all that has been running through my head is andrew mcmahon's voice singing

i kissed a drunk girl,
why do i do these things i do to myself?
i kissed a drunk girl,
and i'm sure i could've been anybody else.

i am so looking forward to their new album!

//flexible
i've been doing the indie-piano-based-rock thing for a few months...and i love it.

it's really weird to see the reactions on peoples' faces when i tell them that...well, the reactions of those who i'd known in middle school...the reactions of those who knew me as the hip-hop kid. i was a damn good rapper...but, i really lost the drive to do it when the hip-hop scene became too...too...whatever it is right now. unfortunately, culture hip-hop isn't mainstream, and mainstream hip-hop is not reflective of a positive culture...so, as much as i want to get back into doing more hip-hop stuff...i'm going to delve into my soul and let it manifest itself however it does.

honestly, i just write and play whatever comes out...and if what comes out is considered rock, or indie, or emo, or r+b, or hip-hop, or pop...or whatever...it's just a consequence. i hate the fact that music has to be labeled, and everybody gets into their little musical cliques and stuff...music is music...love music.

there is only one kind of music...and it's music.

i like to dance. i like to mosh. i like to sing. i like to shout. i like to jam on the piano. i like to program beats. i'd like to learn guitar. i'd like to learn how to function a sampler.

//off.point
i really want to learn how to surf.
and i really want to find an awesome so.cal social scene...still haven't found it.

//back.to.music
when i make it...(note, i said when, not if)...i think that it'll be interesting to hear a concert set from a guy whose influences lie in artists that range from prince, soco, dash, the roots, justin, a tribe called quest, ben folds...among other artists.

hopefully, by the time i make it...it'll be acceptable for me to have a bunch of hip-hop songs in the same set as a bunch of piano based rock songs...i'll have dancers as well as a band...it'll be interesting when my music gets out there.

//mood//smashing

//frustrations+tribulations
saturday morning i had every right to be pissed and frustrated. a week of promise had, once again, crashed and burned. to top off a week that didn’t end up the way i thought it would, lauren m. never called on friday night, like she was supposed to.

at all.

not once to inform me of what was going on with us friday night.
not once to let me know she might cancel on me.
not once to cancel on me.
not once.

i was too tired on friday night to care. by the time saturday morning rolled by, i’d realized what all had (not) happened...no missed calls, no voicemails, not on my home phone nor my cell phone. yeah, i was pretty frustrated.

the fact that she didn’t call at all showed me that she was un-apologetic, had no remose, and very little respect for me...it freaking hurt.

//amongst.the.memories
lately i’ve been drowning in bad memories regarding high school and girls. they’re not even the typical memories...not ex-girlfriends, at least.

i’ve been remembering the whole audra fall-out...but that’s mostly in part to her recent marriage. the whole winter fall-out is prime example of me just being a couple seconds too late to do anything about a girl.

i’ve always had the worst luck in timing with girls.

the other memory that has been standing out in my head is the time that i had a crush on erin a. in my frosh year of h.s...i just remember stumbling upon a note to her from lindsay p. (we all were friends). all i can think of was what the note said: ewww...nate zablan has a crush on you.

i think that note has been the core of my lack of confidence with women. it was bad enough that someone would say that about me...but a girl i knew? that made it that much worse...that much more ego-shattering...well, shattering what little ego that i had.

//what.keeps.me.going
well, saturday morning, i had a revelation: i will be redeemed.

i will find redemption. even when it seems like there isn’t enough air for me to breathe in, and let everything else go...i know that somehow i will be redeemed for all the crap i’ve gone through with everyone.

i thank God for my resilience.

//good.times
last night, after work, i went to denny’s w/byron and jessica for dessert. it was good times, indeed.

maybe i should start going for the things that i want, and just say screw the obstacles. there is just a lot to risk if i persue some different things...and i don’t know if i’d want to risk it. sometimes it’s just easier to play it safe...

i really suck at reading people and situations.

i need more time to think about different situations...so, i’m not planning on jumping to any conclusions yet. yet.

(on the other hand, i’m getting so tired of wasting my time.)

i'm starting to fashion an idea in my head
where i would impress you with every single word i said
they'd come out insightful or brave or smooth or charming.
would you want to call me?
--dashboard confessional : for you to notice