//mood//breathing
//current.song//the-places-you.have.come.to[fear]the.most : dashboard.confessional

//caught.up
i have the tendacy to get caught up in the moment...especially in the moments to good happenings. it feels good to think that something might be going as well as you'd hope. on the flipside of things, i can also dread that things aren't going as well as i'd like. the problem with me getting caught up in moments is that i sometimes don't see things for what they really are...and when i do finally take a step back, i either get disappointed or hurt, or prepare myself to do so. sometimes you kinda see these moments coming, but you ignore it because things seem to be going very well, and you start thinking that maybe this time will be different and you won't get hurt.

sometimes i feel like i have this preternatural instinct of knowing when bad things are foreboding in my life...it's kinda like, i know that things aren't really what i thought they were before anything has really happened to give me a reason to think so. maybe i'm just good at reading situations...maybe things have happened enough times to the point that i know when disappointment is around the corner...maybe it's not such a bad thing because if i know disappointment is coming, then i can prevent it from hurting so much.

okay, i'm not going to talk about it anymore, or give anymore thought to this semi-abstract subject...because i've also got other stuff going on.

//back
it was nice to see julie back from palm springs, and i'm glad that she had fun on her vacation. last night, she, her friend meghan, sica, and i all went to denny's after sica and i got off work. it was good times, and more good times are supposed to follow (with another late friday night outing to follow tonight).

the reason i like hanging around sica and julie is because i know that they'll keep it real with me. if anything, in my life, i need people who won't hold anything back from me...people who won't put up any fronts in order to appease me. it's hard to find people like that around here...honesty is a lost art.

sometimes i just really need honesty in my life...as much as as i like to get caught up in the illusions in my life, i also need to have someone smack me in the head with some honesty...and i'm glad that sica and julie are the ones who can do that for me, because i'll be hard-pressed to find other people who will. honesty is a good sign of character, as well as a good marker of friendship.

//current.song//globes+maps : something.corporate

damn, i'm really gonna miss julie when she's gone. but, sica and i will plan the road trip. and it will be awesome.

//summer
summer is fading, just as some of these memories will fade . i kind of don't want to see it fade away...but it has to, and i can't stop fall from coming. school is going to start soon, new classes of people, most of whom i won't get to know, classes of people on a campus full of students who are just as eager to get in and out of the whole thing as i am. i'm gonna get lost in the sea of students who won't care to get to know one another.

at least i'll still have work to go to. and that place rocks.

//ready...break
sometimes i just don't know when to stop...when to say when. i've defined my boundaries, but i don't abide by them. i think it's time for me to say when...and take a break from things that i know that i need to temporarily vacate myself from, even if it may just be for a little while. the smallest break can provide a lot of clarity. it kinda goes back to that thing about me getting caught up about stuff...but, yeah...when i get caught up in stuff, then i tend to overreact to things or over-analyze situations...

it's time for me to call time-out on some things...so that others won't get caught up in my hurricanes, or get killed by my currents.

a train crashed, and everything slows down
i was wishing i could get outta this town
these dreams we had never made you cry
and i am not the twinkle in your eye

i gotta get outta here
'cause you drive me up the wall
and i gotta get outta here
'cause i can't stand to fall
--something corporate : if i die

//mood//smashing

//hands.down
let's just get this out of our systems, because we all want to do it, and the song has been stuck in our heads. this of this as a therapudic release. but seriously, i think this is the song that will be the underline for my summer of 2003. you've gotta hear the unplugged/live version...that version really carries the energy of this song...even if the new LP version still rocks hard on the radio.

breathe in for luck, breathe in so deep,
this air is blessed you share with me.
this night is wild, so calm and dull,
these hearts they race from self control.
your legs are smooth as they graze mine.
we're doing fine, we're doing nothing at all!

my hopes are so high that your kiss might kill me!
so won't you kill me? so i die happy.
my heart is yours to fill or burst,
or break or bury, or wear as jewelery,
which ever you prefer.

the words are hushed lets not get busted,
just lay entwined here: undiscovered.
safe from the earth and all the stupid questions:
hey did you get some? man, that is so dumb.
stay quiet, stay near, stay close they can't hear...
so we can get some!

my hopes are so high that your kiss might kill me!
so won't you kill me? so I die happy.
my heart is yours to fill or burst
or break or bury, or wear as jewelery,
which ever you prefer.

hands down this is the best day i can
ever remember, i'll always remember the sound
of the stereo, the dim of the soft lights,
the scent of your hair
that you twirled in your fingers
and the time on the clock
when we realized it's so late
and the walk that we shared together.
the street was wet and the gate was locked
so i jumped it
and let you in,
and you stood at the door,
with your hands on my waist
and you kissed me,
but you meant it.
and i knew,
that you meant it,
that you meant it,
that you meant it,
and i knew,
that you meant it,
that you meant it.

© 2001 by dashboard confessional, under license by vagrant records.

seriously y'all...you cannot not get excited when you hear this song. at least i can't.

//mood//smashing
//song//hands.down : dashboard.confessional

//gramma
my grandmother is in the hospital...she's recovering from surgery. if y'all could place her in your prayers and/or thoughts, please do. it would mean a lot to me.

i just got off the phone with her from her hospital bed...she sounded miserable...but she said that she was recovering. i hope that she doesn't have to spend her birthday there...i really hope so.

//sometimes.you.feel.like.a...
...big freaking d-o-r-k. yesterday was one of those times.

that's all i'm going to say about that, because i promised that i'd let it go...and kristen swears that i'm not a dork because of yesterday.

actually, our outing yesterday was a lot of fun, even though i dwelled on my dorkiness way too much.

we bought our homegirl, sica, ice cream from the beloved gibson girl...it is orgasmically wonderful ice cream.

i brought her home early because she was tired, and she needed to get up early.

it was a fun afternoon/evening, and we had good conversations...i was in the mood for talking about stuff, among other things, so it was cool (aside from feeling like a L7 weenie the whole time).

kristen is such a sweetie...i just need to lighten up on myself more often.

//that.damned.song
i just thought it was cool, because right after i stepped in my car from dropping her off at her house i'd heard the song that has been stuck in my head for weeks: hands down...dude, that song is so infectious. it's a bit of irony, and a whole lot of cool.

//coming.soon
soon enough, very soon...i'm gonna be meeting a couple of kristen's best friends, as well as her father. on the one hand, i'm kinda nervous because i want them to like me...but, on the other hand, i can't make them like me--i can only be myself, so...i just need to chill with that. it'll be fine.

//almost.over!
my english class ends next week...and i'm excited about it. i wish all my classes could just be five weeks long. the last essay will about something that i've been getting increasingly good at: self-reflection. right now, the prewrite assignment is to get three people who know you best to answer questions about yourself (i.e. what are this person's best qualities? how have they impacted your life? etc.,...)

needless to say, i am excited about this assignment...and it being the last assignment, that just adds to the fun.

i've been so good this week, i've been coming to class on time!

//california.recall
okay...this has not been a good week for the image of california...i mean, we've got a show like the oc generalizing what it's like to live in up-scale so.cal...and now we've got this circus of a recall election with over 500 candidates including larry flynt, the terminator/kindergarten cop/ah-nold, and gary coleman...um...right...i love california and all...but, jeez-louise people, come on!

her: i'm going to study abroad.
me: i'd like to study abroad too...i'd like to study a few broads.
*smack!*
me: ow! okay, fine. i'd just like to study one broad.
*smack!*
--the sound of me making lame jokes and putting my foot in my mouth.

//mood//enriched
//note//no hidden messages in this entry...i'm saying everything i need to say out loud in this one...enjoy.

//purpose+clarity
i have a purpose in life. right now, i think my purpose is to positively influence others, as well as make others happy. becoming famous is not a purpose...and i used to think that it was...but, what kind of purpose is that when no one can benefit from it? what benefit does fame have in my life and those around me? no, i want my life to be a benefit to the world.

not because it's the good and right thing to do...because it's what i want to do. that purpose is what gives my life meaning, it is what motivates me to wake up everyday and be the person i am.

this is clarity for me.

God put us all here for a reason.

i just don't want to die without having a purposeful life...without making someone's life better...without making an impact in someone's life.

i think that's what frustrates me so much in life...when i disappoint other people. yes, i want to be liked by everybody...it's not just a selfish thing, i realize...i just want to know that i'm doing good in someone's life...anyone's life.

i'd like to know that my life was an example before it ends.

am i talking about death? yes. but it shouldn't be a taboo subject, because it's something we've all got to do eventually. death can come anyday now...nothing is guaranteed...i'm not even depressed and i'm talking about death. when i talk about death in this way, i'm celebrating life. i know i sound crazy and i know this doesn't make sense to a lot of you out there...

but, you all have a purpose in this world...there's a reason why you're here...whether or not you believe in a God...you're going to impact someone's life one way or another...and how much that means to you is up to you...

all i'm saying is that it means a lot to me...it means everything to me...because that's what my life is about.

that's purpose.

watching/reading tuesday's with morrie has really gotten me to thinking...it's not such a bad book like i thought it'd be. i know it's extremely cliche and everything...but, jeez...you've gotta have meaning in your life.

there just comes a point where you've got to ask yourself, what is important to you? and are you living for it?

i walked out of my english class today, and it was simply nice. plain and simple, it was nice. the sky was clear, there was a slight breeze, and the way the sun hit the back of my neck felt wonderous. the trees just looked greener than ever. i got caught up in the beauty of the day.

this whole thing of wanting/needing to be influential--yes, it makes me very dependent of others...when did dependacies become a bad thing? when? why is it so shameful to be dependent on others? to love is a very dependent action...one cannot love alone.

if the purpose of impact and influence is the outline for my life, then love is the colors that illustrate my life.

i am thinking more clearly than ever in my life, and it feels great.

to be extremely cliche...all there's left to do is love.

//mood//perky
//music//talk.to.me/dance.with.me : hot.hot.heat

//work.it!!!
last night was one of those nights that was really odd, but fun in some aspects, until you really started working.

everyone's favorite attraction: indy, broke down 512.3 times in a row...now, for the first two times i had to evacuate (one after another)...the next two breakdowns; i was in tower and just kinda sat there and spieled over the pa (one after another); the next breakdown, i was on lunch; and the last breakdown, i had to go outside and piss people off by saying hey! we're broken! again!!...

by the time we re-opened, we got slammed hard with guests, and everyone was pissed...the park was only gonna be open for less than a couple hours after we opened. management came down to help us...and it was a big help for everyone in the outdoor rotational.

i think nicole is rubbing off onto me, i actually told an angry guest to calm down. sir, you just need to calm down...calm down sir...it was funny times.

julie comes back to indy tomorrow from palm sprizzles...it sounds like she's having a rockin' good time...minus the hangover she'll probably have this morning. it should be interesting to hear her stories about her v-a-c-a-t-i-o-n.

//forms[of]expression
i didn't really realize that i could struggle expressing how i feel about another person...i'm just really used to telling someone how i feel, then having it shoved back in my face as if they didn't care. i kinda get scared now when it comes to stuff like that...i guess people from your past can really do damage to how you approach things. i guess there are still things from past relationships that are still repercussive today...even if it has been awhile since my last serious relationship. but, i'm overcoming it, i'm realizing that some people are not cold-hearted, and will appreciate what you have to say about them.

i'm glad that good things are happening in my life. i'm glad that i can open up to kristen little by little, and know that i'm not throwing words onto deaf ears. it's nice to know that i make her laugh and smile, because she does the same to me. i just really enjoy the time i spend with her because it's always a good time. between the text messages and the time i spend with her...i've been smiling a lot lately. :)

//busy.boy
i'm so glad that summer school ends next week...it just kinda blew by quickly...but, it didn't blow! i'm a dork, i know.

then, this weekend will be dedicated to getting closer to God...with harvest/youth jam on saturday night, and church on sunday morning, i will be making an endeavor in furthering the positivity in my life.

as for today, it's an afternoon/evening with kristen @ a crowded place...unless i think of something else at the last moment.

as for right now, time to get edge-um-muh-kay-did.

no closing lyric. just listen to hot hot heat today. because they rock. hard. like granite.

//mood//flattered+nervous

//a.few[words]to.summarize.me
okay...so...here's a short list

[~] i have a longing to be liked by everyone.
[~] i like to make good first impressions on people.
[~] i'm a bit neurotic when it comes to these things.
[~] to be honest, i am terrified of being negatively judged by others...especially when it affects those i care about.
[~] i just need to calm down. just calm down and breathe.
[~] despite all these flaws, i am still brave.
[~] and i do make good impressions, even if they're not the first ones.

i am such a dork. i think one of you will figure out what spawned this horrific spatter of words...

all in all...everything will be fine, i think.

//mood//fresh

//work
it was hell last night. oh my goodness, we were running on 12-13 cars last night, and it was incredibly crowded. our special assistance line was uber-insanely packed, so everyone was bitchy. after i had an incident where i probably got a complaint, i just started kissing-ass the whole night.

the night wasn't really too horrendous, just insanely busy.

sadly, my beautiful indy girls were not there...so, i was the only one out of the three hottest people ever to work indy there.

i am so glad that julie is having fun out on palm springs...she totally deserves to have that time, but we're missing her. i totally enjoyed hearing her stories of drunkeness/buzzedness...can't wait to talk to her/see her when she gets back (on thursday, which will be the reunion of the three hottest people to ever work indy).

i briefly bumped into sica on her way out of work...and i talked to her on the phone on my lunch...and we talked about her stuff with XXXXXX, i told her about julie's first 12 hours out in ps, and then we talked about my past week with kristen and how nice it has been to go out with her so much.

//easter.eggs
i started to add a little something extra to my entries starting yesterday. place your cursor over the word extra in this paragraph, either one...

i won't tell you which words will give a little extra info, but, it's just something fun to look for in my entries.

i met a girl who kept tattoos for homes that she had loved
if i were her i'd paint my body until all my skin was gone
--something corporate : i woke up in a car

//mood//beaten_but_funky.good
//song.in.head//neon : john.mayer

//hands.down
that song has been somewhat stuck in my head for the past few weeks. the latest reason is because the song has been featured on mtv's the leak interstitials, and it's hard not to get hooked into the song by that 10 second segment of the song, especially the one lyric they play: my hopes are so high that your kiss might kill me...then they leave you hanging. it's such a good song, and it gets me hyped for dash's new album.

the other reason why it has been stuck in my head is because it makes me think about good times and great dates...and it's been hard not to think about great dates lately. ;)

//ass.kicked
last night i went mini-golfing with kristen...and i was kicking her ass until about hole 14 or 15 or so...she totally got lucky...maybe, i kinda lost by 7 strokes or something like that...so...yeahh...but, it was definitely fun times, as always. even if we bore eachother to death.

speaking of fun times...i need to check the schedule for the angels...we're planning an outing with friends...it should be fun.

//think
so much has been going on this summer that it is hard to think, and hard not to think...it has been, indeed, crazy and fun, and crazy fun. i'm kinda psyched that school is about to start, but, this summer has been, by far, the most memorable...since i've met so many people, made so many friends far and near, gotten back in touch with old friends, and have started fun times...this has been such a great summer...but, i know that it has to end somewhere...i'm just hoping most of it will carry over past the end.

//[one]year.goals
so far, i've got three goals that i have, that i want to accomplish within a period of a year:

[~] learn how to longboard surf.
[~] find a oc social scene.
[~] learn how to swing dance.

so...by labor day 2004, i want to have accomplished all that.

//farewell
farewell for now.
remember...someone loves you.
and you rock.
some of you rock my world.

//mood//okay
//currently.playing//great.indoors : john.mayer

//rough.start
my sunday morning got kicked off to a fairly rough start...my mom and i got into a huge argument over stupid little things. i really hate arguing with my mom, just because when we argue it gets gradually uglier and uglier. she just really pushed my buttons when she approached me this morning, and i got the angriest that i've ever gotten in my life...and i was try to get her to remain calm so that it wouldn't escalate into anything more...and it just got bad.

when anyone is arguing with me, i'd just like them to remain calm...because i don't like myself when i get pissed. i don't like arguing at all.

a few hours later we sort of resolved it and apologized...but, i'm still kinda uneasy about the whole situation...just because it happened...it was just very discomforting.

i hope things are really better because of it, because i love my mom.

//no.concert
boo-who. locale am pulled out of the concert bill today...so, i won't be going to the concert...i was really looking forward to it, because i was given today off, and i hadn't been to a punk concert in awhile...so...whatever, things happen...and locale will be back.

//in.the.meantime
i don't know what else is going on today...i might be getting together with someone later today/tonight, she and i will talk in a bit...i'd like to see her ;)

kristen is such a sweetheart...her text messages always brighten up my day or night. =)

//work
okay, so, i woke up this morning to the sound of a ringing phone: it was work...and the fact is, i was not in the mood to pick up an extra shift. i don't mind working 5 days a week, trust me on that one...i cherish my time away from work...even if i'm spending it there: playing. whenever i see them call, i don't pick up the phone at all...no way, no how. thank God for caller id.

//indy.girls
one of my favorite indy girls is gonna be gone soon, and i'm sad about it. i'm gonna miss julie when she goes back to colorado...but, eventually, jessica and i will make a road trip out of visiting her...it'll be fun times.

indy broke down for a couple hours last night (it's not surprising)...and i got to evacuate people--it's always fun to walk through the ride, no joke. then me and my two favorite indy girls (jessica and julie) just chilled backstage. we just talked about stuff and i gave the two of them a group hug, and let them know that they were my favorite indy girls. i don't like seeing either of them sad...and i'm gonna be sad to see one of them go.

//up.in[no.cal]
i hope everything is going alright up there.

//hasta
time to go for today. i've got my fingers crossed in hopes that some plans with a certain someone might come up!

what lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us
--ralph waldo emerson