sometimes before you smile you got to cry.
--the roots f/nelly furtado: sacrifice.
from the album phrenology

when you hope and hope and hope for so long, and get nothing...that's when things start getting weird. you can only hope or so long until you start losing hope...or start wondering if such a thing as hope exists.

i've been questioning my mental health. i'm really hoping this is just a phase, like everything else, that will pass. i've been reading up on the symptoms of clinical depression, and manic-depressive disorder. it says if symptoms last for more than a couple weeks, then you should start worrying.

i pray that there isn't anything wrong with me. but i don't know right now.

i don't know if this is just a pathetic cry for attention, or a serious need for professional help.

i'd been through a similar phase once, a couple years ago, and even before then. each time, it gets successively worse.

shit. i need something to get my mind off of this...when i stop thinking about it, it'll probably stop taking me over. okay...it's really hard to try and think about something else...something that could potentially make me happy.

it'd be nice to be happy. but, it's getting more difficult to find those sources of happiness. it was easier when i was deluding myself into a false reality.

i've never done drugs. i've never drank on a regular basis...i've only drank a few times in my life. i've gone through random short periods of smoking, but i don't plan on taking it up again...all of those things are artificial and ephemeral...tempting, nonetheless...i can't deny that the prospect of dropping ecstacy interests me...but i'm not about to resort to it.

maybe i just need to train myself to be satisfied with things the way they are. i used to be able to find the beauty of things in the world, and find good things in everything, and find something to be happy about in everything...but, somewhere, it all disappeared...at least it seems that way.

when did the fabric start to tear?

i'm not going to jump to any conclusions at all right now. i'm not going to try any artificial happy drugs. i'm not going to diagnose myself right now. i'm just going to try and carry on with my day...hopefully, by the time i get to work, my happy manic side will surface...and maybe it'll stay there.

the things i've been thinking, the things i've been saying...worry me immensely.

it's like i have two personalities.

the one who doesn't care. and the one who does.

the one who doesn't care smiles when the sun is out, and sleeps when the sun isn't.

the one who cares lets everything bring him down...because he can't see up.

maybe i need to read siddhartha...as proposed by sherrice.

the one who cares accuses all the important people of wronging him, including himself. he's been suicidal for too long in his life.

the one who doesn't care really cares...but in a different way. in an unselfish way.

both personalities need to start thinking more...they need to start thinking. period.

maybe there's more to the story than meets the eye.

watching fight club has put things in perspective. that's what i need: perspective.

i don't want to be scared anymore.

i can't let this other me...i can't let him resurface...God only knows how far he'll go...how deep down he'll feel until he kills the both of us.

there is tomorrow.

it would be nice if we had somebody.

all this...all this shit spawns from loneliness...if only that word didn't sound so much like lowliness.

the fact is...the thing that keeps me from killing myself is the personality that's typing right now...it's not that i'm a pussy-shit...it's the fact that somewhere, i know, that the repercussions from me killing myself would be far greater than the shit i'm going through right now.

why in the f*ck is this such a weird time in my life?

nothing is easy anymore. nothing. at least it seems like it.

everything just seems so unbearable when it feels like you've been abandoned...it only feels that way though. feeling and reality are sometimes different things.

you're in control of everything except the outcome.--evelyn case.

i'm in control of my day...but, not how i'm going to feel at the end of it...so, can i really do anything to keep these suicidal tendacies from resurfacing?

it gets hard when you have job that you're constantly yelled at...when you're blamed for every minute thing that isn't at all in your control. when you're being berated by the skinhead neo-nazi family that wants to return baby clothes. when you're being yelled at by the woman who doesn't understand i'm doing her a favor by trying to process her return without a reciept and without item lags. when the woman is yelling at me in foriegn languages about how much an asshole i'm being to her while i'm calmly trying to tell her i'm just doing what i can with the most sincerity i can possibly deliver. when i'm being accused of being a racist by the middle-eastern man for emptying the stuffing in the bag he's trying to purchase. et cetera...work doesn't help my condition.

when the girl won't return your calls when you just want to talk to her to get to know her. when she sends one signal, then when you actually pour yourself out there, because you're tired of dealing with the wonderment, she says...yeah, like a friend.

when you've made a really good connection...but there's no way that it can happen.

when you look at the past, and always second guess every single thing.

it brings you down...and it gets really difficult to see up.

so where is up? what in the hell is going to bring me up?

seriously. it's usually a bad thing if you're ending every night with these thoughts:

there wouldn't be much of a difference in the world if i just happened to die or disappear, right?

or just flat out: i wanna die tonight.
i just feel so damn worthless. i don't know if the holidays are just amplifying this, or whatnot...but, i really do feel worthless as all hell. i'm just the geeky-best-friend. promises made to me mean nothing, because they're constantly broken. i've given up everything that has ever been good to me. i've managed to shun everyone in my life who hasn't shunned me...and those who have shunned me have been the ones i wanted to get close to. the people who have been good to me, i always end up accusing them of wronging me. i haven't done anything worthwhile in my life.

i consider doing great things for other people to be worthwhile. what have i done for other people that has been so great? i work guest service at target. i hardly consider telling a guest where the toilet paper is "worthwhile."

i can only lie to myself for so long...after that...i get back to this: depression. i hold it back during the day, in front of people...but shit...when the day is over, i end up just wanting to cry, or crash my car, or kill myself. what fucking difference would it make?

i just feel worthless.

the only thing keeping me alive right now is this poetry suite. the last thing i want to do is cause disarray. that's the only thing that i can see me making a difference in my life with...poetry, right now.

i feel worthless. when the suite is over...what's left to live for?

i have nothing to live for.
no one to live for.
and it's all my fault.

pointless interview with bob, the pathological liar.

me: so, just for record-keeping, what's your name, followed by the date and time of interview.
bob: alex p. harding. february 30th @ 4:32am.
(awkward silence. ME sneezes)
me: right...okay...anyways...where we're you born?
bob: saint amelia's memorial hospital in sarasota, florida.
(ME glances at BOB's birth certificate, it says Portland General Hospital, Oregon. ME rolls eyes.)
me: (underbreath)this is going to be fun.
bob: what was that?
me: nothing. so...what do you think is your most notable accomplishment?
bob: being the first black prime minister of canada.
me: yeah. the canadians would do something like that. no--wait a minute, you're not black...in fact, you're white.
bob: liar.
me: ...right. is that your lovely wife sitting next to you?
bob: indeed it is.
(fade up, stage lights reveal an inflatable doll with a picture of martha stewart taped to the head sitting next to BOB)
me: oh-kaaaaay...(underbreath)psycho.
(BOB stares cluelessly at ME with a plastered grin on his face)
me: umm...what's your wife's name?
bob: martha stewart
me: good lord, you're a f*cking freak.
bob: could you say that a little louder son?
me: (loudly and distinctly) GOOD LORD, BOB, YOU ARE A F*CKING FREAK.
bob: who's bob?
me: get the hell out of here.
bob: who's bob?
me: take your ugly wife with you.
bob: you asshole. you don't talk about my wife like that. she's right here! you're an asshole. i don't associate with assholes.
(BOB picks up inflatable doll, smacks ME over the head with it, flips his chair over, and walks away calmly with the same clueless grin on his face)

i'm better now. that whole depression thing has passed.

read the press release of my new poetry project in conjunction with poet miguel de leon.

i'm really excited about the project. funny thing is, the project starts on friday the 13th, and ends on valentines day '03. coincidence? i think nostradamus predicted something like this...or lady cleo.

i've never felt more lonely in my life.

with your parents out of town.
when you've realized the geek you are, and how hopeless you are.
when you've realized how impossible it is for you to find a girl that's as interested in you as your are in her.
when the only noises in your house are the tap-tap of the keyboard and the television.
when you've come home after a shitty day at work.
after you've dealt with a skin-head family at the return desk.
when you've realized you'll just be the inevitable friend.
when things stop looking up when they couldn't get deeper down.

yeah...that's when you start feeling really lonely and depressed...but there's always tomorrow, right? another shitty day to look forward to, right?

God, i wish i had someone right now. right now.

there's a void inside of me. a big, dark, void.

i've been living in disillusionment. i've been fooling myself that i'm this great person capable of great things...but, shit...where am i right now? who am i right now?

a big fat no one...if anyone: your lovable _{(in that non-intimate way)} geek friend.

what the hell is wrong with me?

i realized something. if the world was a movie, then i'm just the friendly geek best friend who is completely hopeless, never gets the girl, but is still cool with everyone because he's the friend. i think i will always be the friendly geek. the sensitive, friendly geek. the one that you'd hang out with, and talk with like you've got a connection, but would never get with. yeah, that's me. i might as well face it now. i'm the unlucky character in the movies. the smart, clever, cute (in a geek way), sarcastic, supporting character, comic relief, best friend geek...never the boyfriend...never the dashing attractive hero...the friendly sidekick geek. the one who is always told: yeah, like a friend after he asks do you like me?

yeah, i'm likable...in the nerdy unattractive non-sexual way. the one that everyone is surprised to hear it when he's done something crazy. the one you go to for answers, the one you go to for comfort, the one you go to for a friend--never for sex, or a date...unless you're trying to make your ex jealous...or something like that.

yeah, i'm the disposable geek.

life is good...weird, but good.

i ultimately decided to skip school today. going to school just for one class didn't seem worth it, so i decided to sit my pajamas all morning and be an internet geek.

i've got work tonight...i work until late...not fun...but, hey, it's money.

i'm probably going to go to the mall later today...no reason...just because.

dude, like, mtv played eminem's "lose yourself" three times in the past 45 minutes...it's a cool song and all...but not every fifteen minutes. they also played missy's "work it" twice in the past hour...cool song again, but i can only shake my bum-b-bum-bum every now and then, not every half an hour. i really want some mtv2.

i need to get back into the song writing thing...hopefully, getting back to poetry will help me get back into song writing...i need to think of some writing exercises as well.

i'm sorry, i haven't been out lately...so, the normal everyday follies in my life that normally make my audience laugh are not present in this entry...just stay tuned.

it's late at night...and i'm deciding whether or not i want to go to school to go to only one class tomorrow. i've been saying that i've earned this 4 day weekend...and dammit, i think i have. so, yes...i'm not going to class tomorrow. it was cool tonight, i chatted with a bunch of friends i normally do not talk to...it was cool...i've been missing them.

it was so weird when i posted all of my old on-line material onto the new poetry site...since all of that poetry was composed in the past few months...(beginning in the summer...so, it's half a year's worth of poems). it's just really crazy to see how much had happened in the course of only a few months. the numerous break-ups and make-ups with my ex, the frustrations of it all, the worry, the joy of moving on, my break-away into abstracia, my re-introduction to slam poetry, exploring different subjects, freestyling it, getting bracket happy, experimenting with titles and getting bracket happy...etc.,...it was kinda weird looking back at the immortalization of my life in words.

you know...it was really random how i went off on the anti-war subject. i've never really been political in my art, but fight fight is really a step in that direction. it was a stretch for me to be all anti-war...i never really talk about my stance on it...i guess it's a bold statement for me. i was surprised i wrote it...but it's cool. it's really weird that i wrote that piece as my first exclusive poem for that site. i dig it.

so i think i've just abandoned free open diary, except for the fact that i'll continue to leave notes and advertise this blog of mine there.

i need to get my shit organized. i feel so disorganized with a lot of things.

let's get my happy-ass world organized.

good night.

all is well in the house of crackalack today. we've got a new place for poetic impulses...and we have new ways of leaving comments on the entry...instead of an ephemeral, temporary one brushed to the side. so...things are well...

unfortunately, the housekeeper of crackalack must be off to go to a rehearsal...he doesn't know if he got the nights off that he needed...so...things are shaky...

i'm not really feeling the who third person thing...so...anyways...

i don't really like the show that i am in...working with conservative orange county kids would sound fun and all...but, it gets tiresome being the misunderstood minority college boy. maybe that should be my superhero monniker...seeing how i can't save people and stop crimes unless i have a moniker...i can't go out being myself...i'd be making myself and my family targets of super-villians and henchmen. until i think of a moniker (sp?), the crime must continue.

please visit my poetry diary...i'd, like, be your best friend, for, like, ever. or next week...or the next five minutes, whatever.

i felt like being a geek today and spent my whole mid-class break updating my websites. yeah...so, i think i'm officially an internet nerd because of that. it took a lot of time to re-locate all of my on-line poetry and essays...but i think it was worth it. also, i have a new way of leaving notes on both sites: just click on the comment thing at the end of the entry, you'll be able to note me about the entry, piece of work, or whatever. so...i hope you're enjoying the changes i'm putting these sites through, go ahead and visit the site that inspired me to do my sites: mig's site. without his site, i wouldn't have been inspired to copy--err...persue such work.

nothing much else going on in my life...other than what i've already said...except that i'm a nerd now. that's all.

i'm just kidding about the nerd business...i'm actually still the same bad-ass nate dawg that you've grown to love.

anyways...new poetry blog can be found at http://poeticimpulse.blogspot.com....check it out.

ignore that last post...it's messed up...

hey hey hey...go ahead and check out my non-journalistic material at posted by nate @ 11:25 AM  0 comments

if you haven't noticed, i renamed this site from sweet. blissful/disarray. to the house of cracalack. the reason for this name change is quite random, and has no concrete reason aside from i felt like it. the more i look at it, it seems like renaming the olive garden to jimmy's pasta shack. i don't know...it may seem like a class demotion or something, but i think that this title makes my diary seemingly more accessible to a bigger audience...there isn't so much ambiguity in this title...in this title, it's just randomness...i could've named this journal nate's jizzle on the internizzle...but, i don't feel comfortable associating my journal as jizzle...but i do like being associated with the internizzle, fa shizzle.

vive la mullet...if anyone needs a new diary title, let it be that: vive la mullet.

so beautiful, in an ugly way...
and so ugly, in an ugly way.

in unrelated news, i've started reading fight club by chuck palahniuk, and i intend to follow that up with the same author's choke. i felt that i needed a good read.

headaches suck. so do stuffy noses. runny noses are just gross.
so are mullets...but they're gross in a cool/non-cool sort of way.
i wonder what i would look like with a mullet...actually, i do know...
in choir, we had these half-wigs lying around last year...i put one on the back of my head...it was funny...
it was like joe dirt gone asian.

i want to find a good book to read...and i still need that premise for a poetry suite.

i have that queens of the stone age song that they always play on the radio stuck in my head...but i can't remember the name...it's got a distinct instrumentation...that's what's mainly stuck in my head.

oh well...onward my day goes.

there's just something so nice about being able to take your time in the morning to get ready and actually eat breakfast. i won't have that luxury next semester...but, the trade-off is nice. but, moreover on nice things in the morning...it's actually pretty nice driving to school blasting the beastie boys with the windows down, having your mom pass you to smile and wave hello, and getting a decent parking spot at an usually indecent hour...it's pretty nice. also, it's nice realizing that you can show up to class 40 minutes late because a make-up test is being held that you don't have to take.

my morning has barely started...and i don't feel as sick as i have in the past few days. life is pretty chill right now...yo.

woo-who for thanksgiving leftovers! alright, so, thanksgiving break was just like any other week: not bad at all. it was pretty cool, aside from the geeky-ness of it all (playing videogames for a good portion of it). but, yeah...it wasn't bad. like i said, i got together with celina. also, i hung out with my friends for the latter part of the week, which was really cool. i saw eight crazy nights friday after work, then after that, hung out with friends again, and saw brenda, who i hadn't seen in a long time...it was quite pleasant seeing her again, since it has been awhile. it was really cool just hanging out with everyone...it distracted me from the datelessness of it all...that's what friends do.

but, yeah...it's really weird how life can just turn around on you...i mean that in a good way...i get to that later...i'm first going to give an explaination as to why i didn't show up at the cast party for diary of anne frank...in response to barbaraness's tag-note:

quite honestly, i really didn't think i would have belonged there. moreover, as cool as it was to see everyone and the play...it was also, in some remote way, depressing. when i saw everything fall together into this wonderful work of art, and see all the chemistry work out...it started me to thinking: maybe i really f*cked up last year and ruined my experience, not everyone else. i don't know...i guess it was still a repercussion from the year before, all the sh*tty things that had happened between the department and myself...but to see how everything had fallen together and how right the chemistry was...it made me think i was the one who screwed it up...being so pent up and paranoid about something that probably didn't exist...that wouldn't exist in the long run, at least. i mean, i was really happy for the department, and if i felt i could be comfortable at the party, i would have gone...but, there was a big reminder that made me realize that i might have screwed things up last year...it was depressing. after i left the drama room that night, i kinda just stood by my car, looking at the school, just thinking about how much of a bitter geek i was...how i could have done high school differently...how i could have embarked on my senior year differently...i went out dancing at graduation...i kinda wish i could have lived high school with that same energy...the same energy i had on stage...but instead, off-stage i was this bitter little man...but, you guys rocked...that's what matters most.

i'm not so depressed over it anymore...i really haven't thought about it past that weekend.

anyways...

oh yeah, life turns around.

i could elaborate on that last comment, but i've decided not to do so...i'll leave it at this: life is pretty nice right now. my girl situation is more than abundant, if you must know...and in times like this, things can be either really good, or can get sour really quick...but i like the risk that i'm running...there's something fun about it...getting to know different people at the same time, and getting contacted by those you haven't talked to in a long time...life turns around.

if you're that perturbed my the ambiguity of it all, shout me a holla...i just refuse to type it out for the public to see forever.