//location//uc irvine, chapman, this oc university
//mood//decent...trying not to feel sorry for myself
//music playing//kate by ben folds five!!!
//shirt//plain white t-shirt

//warning: entry containing dangerous amounts of self-pity.

//spring break has begun
usually...people are excited for this kind of thing...but...um...right.

you see...people like me are an emotional mess...moody as all hell.

personally, i dread vacation breaks of any sort...you know why? because they make you realize how many people can blow you off with a weeks worth of free time on your hands.

i don't want to feel pathetic...but...i know i'm going to feel pathetic, and i already do feel pathetic.

i've got free access to the disneyland resort parks...but, it's not worth it to go at it alone.

i don't know...this self-grief is partially rooted in the fact that i have a strong conviction that i was born to stand out, and the fact is, i constantly feel like i fade into the background all the time. it's probably all in my mind, and a dangerous way to think of myself...but...damn.

vacations just make me feel really lonely...

i'll manage happiness somehow...i'd like to.

at least i know i'll make it through spring break. i think. i hope.

//i'd really like to chill
if anyone wants to chill next week, please let me know, because i've got oodles of time on my hands, and i'd really like to get out with people...chris and sean, if you're not in school and/or not working, call me. people i haven't talked to lately, i've really wanted to play catch up for awhile, now that i have th chance...call me. people i haven't talked to that much ever, i'm open to meeting new people...so, find a way to contact me.

//as much as i hate admitting weakness...
...i'm really lonely and desparate. i'm not necessarily looking for a female companion, rather...i'm looking for a friend/friends to hang out with, because i really am a fun person and funny person to chill with once i crack open my shell, and my shell has been shattered for awhile...so, get to know someone you barely know and hang out with me.

geez...i suck.

i've been on an incubus trip lately...so...yeah.

will i ever get to, to where it is that i am going
will i ever follow through with what i... with what i have planned
i guess it's possible, that i have been a bit distracted
and the directions for me are a lot less in demand.
-- incubus : nowhere fast

//location//oh no! it's scrambled!! csfu
//mood//happy...because i just said see us f u!!!
//music playing//random dance mix...think cheer music.
//shirt//the tan and brown polo

//the color white
i decided to wear shorts today for a change...probably because it hase been a little hot lately, but...yeah...but...damn...

after wearing pants for a full season, i've come to the realization that my legs are really white...if it weren't for the hair on my legs, it'd look like i'm wearing long tube socks right now.

i think it's a good time to start tanning...although sunburns would suck.

//tomorrow, tomorrow, blah.
at 9.40a tomorrow, spring break vacation will start. hell yeah.
at 12p tomorrow, i begin training for indiana jones. hell yeah.

//when it gets hot
whenever it gets hot in herre...i just add a little uh! uh!, and a little bit of uh! uh!, while letting it all hang out. if it gets worse, i think about taking all my clothes off.

//i need people to chill with
i wanna chill with people this spring break...i don't want to be a homebody...i want to be able to go to disneyland not alone.

//the extremeist reaction to art the does not please them
i think it is funny how art has the power to offend those that have little to do with the message that the piece may send.

a lady complains to a lounge dj that the music is too whiny and annoying, while her complaints are...yes...whiny and annoying.

it is sad when people do not get art...the various messages that it sends...the refusal to see the beauty in the world that surrounds them.

the very world that we live in is the biggest piece of art that we have...and so rarely do we ever take the time to look at the beauty around us.

everyone has a choice to view art, or not to view it. the facility i am in provides headphones and alternative music selections to those who do not feel that they want to listen to the selections currently playing.

how ironic...the lady is offended by music accompanied by protest: we will not stop.

the suppression of free-speech.

i thought that suppression of free-speech only existed in nations under dictatorship, lacking democracy.

fight the power!
fight the powers that be!
-- public enemy : fight the power

Stolen from: bebe and erin

-General stuff-
Name: nate
Age: 19
Sex: one hundred percent man.
Married: let me check...not yet.
Orientation: women.
Girlfriends/boyfriends: uber-single. and i don't care. well...kinda.
Previous relationships: several.
At home: not at the moment.
At work: not until tomorrow.
At other: i'm at school?

-Art-
Music: all...but i mainly write emo/punk/indie rock.
Favorite band: hmm...at the moment? the early november
Least favorite band: ...hmm...i'll have to think of that one.
Least favorite music: mid 1990's gangsta rap...that's when the genre hit an all-time low.
Ever been in a band: heehee. other than high school band? not yet...that will soon change, seriously, i hope.
Been a groupie: no.
Ever wanted to be in a band: as of recent, yes.
If yes, what would your band be called: winter discontent
Have you ever been to a concert? yeah!
Ever boo'd someone off stage? no...american hi-fi wasn't on-stage yet.
Have you been boo'd off stage? hell no...people love me.
Ever egged a band? no...american hi-fi wasn't on-stage yet.
Ever been to a slipknot concert? not my style.
If yes, did they throw raw meat, tomatoes, rotting food, or worms at you and the audience: uhhh...
Ever goto Museums? i'd like to.
Ever been to an Art Gallery? i'd like to.
Ever been to live theatre? hell yeah!
Ever been to parades? yeah.

-Politics-
Party? registered democrat.
Hated party? hate is bad...shouldn't spread that.
Ever worked for a party? ...no comment. (high school marching band was bad).
Get paid for government work? no.
Do you believe in communism? my beliefs are mixed.
Do you believe in the Death Penalty? no.
Legalize Weed? yeah...think of all the federal money we'd get off of the taxes. i don't smoke the shit...but, the government needs money now that this war was been going on.
Better Gun control laws? of course...we also have to enforce the ones we've already got.
Ever been in the army? not gonna happen.
Ever been in a riot? i don't believe in civil disturbances....civil disobedience is completely different.
Ever been in a friendly protest? yes.
Do you believe in anarchy? no.
Is homosexuality wrong? hell no.
Equal rights wrong? equal rights are right.

-Food-
Food? soooo hungry now.
Least favorite? i'll eat anything right now.
Can you cook? does ramen count?
Would you cook for someone? yeahh...if she's hot and willing!
Ever hunted for your food? umm...
Do you eat meat? not red meat.
Vegetables? corn.

-Social-
Friends? the world. there are only a handful, if that, that i truly give a shit about.
Lots? depends on what level.
Well known? depends on what social groups.
Got friends on the internet? kinda.
Goto clubs? you'd think orange county, ca would be better at that...i'd like to, but, none of my friends are club-excited.
Goto Parties? not really...i'm a nerd.
Loner? kinda.
Mr/Ms Popularity? semi-popular in high school...it doesn't matter much in college.
Are you Introverted or Extroverted at social gatherings? extroverted.
Goto Church? i used to.
Goto PTA Meetings? i've got no kids...so....no.
Goto Church Youth Groups? college groups...
Goto Community meetings? no. i'm, like, the only liberal in my community...they'd kill me.
Whats you're version of a perfect time out? anything involving an attractive woman and making out.

-Religion-
Believe in God? in one form or another...yes.
If no, have you ever?
Goto Church? i used to
Ever wanted to become a priest? i used to...but...not anymore.
Believe in Devil? he exists.
Afterlife? oh yeahh.
Heaven and hell? yeahh.


-Love-
Sex? once before.
Drugs? not yet...i am still interested in ecstasy, if i could find a pure source.
Rock and roll? ROCK ON!!!
A girlfriend or boyfriend is: i don't know anymore...after the last relationship...i don't know.
A break up is: painful freedom.
Cheating is: bad.
Love at first sight: i believe in it.
Love? a couple times before.

//location//if you haven't figured it out by now...
//mood//wa-hooey.
//music in head//bring the pain : missy elliott f. method man
//garb//red allister t-shirt, jeans, grey jacket, glasses, kicks

okay...so...i didn't really tell you about all of my day yesterday...

//burning down the house
um...so, yeah...i told you that i was kinda having fun in my lab class yesterday...which is true...but...for 30 seconds, i was kinda scared shitless.

so...i'm weighing a flask, and i have another one on the burner. all of a sudden, one of my classmates is like um...nate... and points to my lab hood:

my station is on fire.

and i'm thinking: oh shit.

i run to my station, the flame is bigger than the 800mL beaker that it surrounds...i turn off the gas...and there's still a little flame, so i blow it out.

you know what happened: the gas hose got caught on the wire gauze, and the wire gauze burnt a hole in the hose...and so, the fire started because of a gas leak.

i was freakin lucky...for starters, it was in the vent...also, the fire could have gotten hella bigger...and, finally...the lab instructor didn't notice, and i've stashed the evidence (the burnt hose) since then...so...yeah...

shhh...!

//digging myself out of a hole
yeahh...i'm really looking for an easy way to tell my nazi-boss (from the job that i hate) that i want to quit...but there really isn't any nice way of saying it. i have another schedule conflict with her...i'm supposed to help choreograph a really cheesy-ass piece (almost everything is cheesy when you're doing christian show choir stuff), but, i have training at work that day from 5am-1:30pm (yeah...that said 5am, which means i should be in the parking lot at 4:15am). so...yeahh...

don't let yourself get into a job that you can physically hate. ever.

//so-cal magnetism
there really is something about so-cal, orange county mainly for me, that just keeps on drawing you to stay, no matter how much you would want to leave at a given point in time. i don't know what it is...

it's like, you really wouldn't mind seeing the rest of the world, even for an extended amount of time...but, when it comes down to it...you'll always end up coming back to so-cal one way or another.

at least that's how it seems now...i waver a lot.

//it's not always all-good
it's that time of the season again: the one where i question myself and my surroundings, like, ethically and stuff.

i don't know why i put myself through this all the time...i'm always putting myself under my own microscope, picking at the things that don't really satisfy in my life...always questioning that which i surround myself with, always questioning the things i say and think, questioning decisions i've made and will have made. it's frustrating...

i already feel that i know a lot about myself...but i still do this to myself...

examining myself to further push me to perfection...but at the same time pushing myself away from perfection.

i could be completely content and happy with my life right now...seriously, but, i've gone into this self-analytical phase again. ugh...

//guys get stupid
so...i'm waiting in mh121 for anthropology to start...and one of my buddies (who is probably reading this, don't be offended) is like dude, why are filipino girls so hot? and went into other statements which lead me into this thought...

//one: i prefer not to classify hotness to ethnicity or race...i don't know, maybe some of it is coincidental...for the most part, i think it's all a matter of preference...but, if people do it to an extreme, it's borderline bigotry.

//two: if guys keep on objectifying women, it's a lose-lose situation. guys look and sound real dumb when they do it, and women are no longer human when guys do it. i mean, when guys objectify women, it's like the female is either super-human or sub-human...there is no equal anymore. it's like, the water that an attractive woman drinks is far more superior than the water a mere man would drink, the air an attractive woman breathes has a finer quality than the air the rest of us breathe, and all these other things that come with objectification of women.

i don't know...it just sounds really bad when guys get all stupid over girls, especially when they don't even know them.

maybe it's because i was raised by a single mother for most of my life, and raised to be a gentleman, especially after what i saw her go through with bad boyfriends in the past...but...yeahh.

i mean, the way that i see it...women are just as human as men, they eat the same food, drink the same water, breathe the same air...so, there really isn't any reason to super-stress over a hot-girl or something to that extent.

pardon me while i burst into flames.
i've had enough of the world and it's people's mindless games.
so pardon me while i burn and rise above the flame.
pardon me, pardon me...i'll never be the same.
-- incubus : pardon me

be sure to scroll down to see today's previous entry...especially because it has the infamous why we think nate is gay list from 2002. fun stuff. check it out.

//pointless psychobabble spawned from friday's ideas
the rudyard salinger performing arts center would like to present the roald kipling musical production of chicago!

(applause)

roald: umm...sorry guys, we've run into a little trouble. but, don't worry, we were prepared for this. first off, richard gere, queen latifah, renee zellweger, and catherine zeta-jones have all had their flights cancelled because they were snowed in...but, we got some great celebrities to make up for this, we've got kevin bacon, britney spears, shakira, and lil kim to fill their shoes...but...um...also. we, kinda lost the rights to perform chicago, so, now, we'll be performing peoria.

(audience silence)

roald: peoria is near chicago...anyways...without further ado...shakira will now sing the opening number: all that ja--err...bluegrass.

2 and a half hours later.

audience member: that was amazing. i especially enjoyed charlie sheen's version of mr. saran wrap.
audience member 2: no, what was great was the cell block square dance.

//ANYWAYS...
knowing that was neither funny nor necessary, i'll give you more of the same by describing my day. and how it feels to be nate zablan today. because i'm studelicious (stud+delicious=me).

i know my calculus.
it says U + ME = US.

i asked one of my friends what she's going to do when she gets out of jail, and she replied:
i'm gonna have some fun.
i went on to ask what she considers fun, and she says:
fun, natural, fun.
and i'm like, cool.

then another friend says that he's a hustler, baby--he just wanted me to know that it isn't where he's been, rather, where he's about to go. then he tells some girl that he just wants to love her and be who he is, explaining that with all his cash that the girl can forget her man. then he asks the girl to give it to him. and i ask him you mean that funk, that sweet, that nast', that gushy stuff?.

interesting day thus far.

actually, i was richard cheese-ing it in lab class today...since we had an easy lab, i was bored, and started singing lounge versions of popular songs off the top of my head (air force ones, it's tricky, fresh prince). jolly fun.

i think i'm gonna be spending some (meaning a lot) of time at disneyland next week, as it will be spring break. i've just gotta find people to chill with.

okay...i'm done for the day. read the earlier entry if you haven't already. it's good fun.

what i really want to do right now is make out. making out sounds like a lot of fun right now.

so does getting my bones jumped...but, hey...life ain't perfect.

i lie awake
i've gone to ground
i'm watching porn
in my hotel dressing gown
-- zero 7 : destiny

//location//dot.com university
//mood//jelly
//music in head//every night's another story (acoustic ver.) : the early november
//garmaments//i still want my indiana jones attraction costume!

//my free annual pass
now that i finally got my work id (it's so weird calling it work)...it's also my free annual pass to any disney park...and i think that's cool.

i should have had my id last saturday, but, the id center made a mistake because my picture wasn't on file...so they put some girl's picture on my id. kinda funny...actually, really funny at the time. but, i re-took the id pic, and got the thing yesterday.

but, yeah...now i don't have to wait for my dad to sign me in anymore...and i don't have to pay for parking anymore. eating at disney restaurants won't be as expensive (thank goodness)...but, churros will be the same price (oh well...at cast member parties they'll be cheaper).

and, no, i cannot sign people in yet. i'm on a probationary period, after that passes, i'll have 16 opportunities to do sign-ins...that's right, only 16--so treat me NICE!!!--unless you already have an annual pass, then you can be an ass-hole to me all you want.

//old-school flashback
there was an infamous list of certain items pertaining to me that i had published in my old free open diary. i decided to share it with the rest of you, since it has brought laughs to those who know about it...mind you, some will claim that the list has grown...but, i've also appended reasons why some of the items are not true. so...without further ado...

peoples' justifications for thinking i'm gay
1. i'm the president of choir.
--(yeah, i was president of choir my senior year of high school)

2. i'm on thespian board.
--(true, i was also on thespian/drama club board last year)

3. i was just informed that the gel i use has glitter in it.
--(the gel i use now also has glitter in it...bed head rocks!)

4. i dress well.
--(i used to wear sweater vests, a lot, last year...but, i've ditched them since)

5. i hooked-up with a girl who has a reputation for "turning" guys gay.
--(...no comment.)

6. i'm in show choir.
--(yes, i was in show choir...but, so were a lot of jocks...who pissed me off a lot)

7. i sing.
--(and hell yeah i still sing...but, more emo/punk now.)

8. i dance.
--(hip-hop damn you...hip-hop!)

9. i shop gap.
--(i don't dig their fashion line anymore...i've gone to hollister co. and a&f now.)

10. i know how to apply my own make up.
--(damnit, as an actor, you've got to know how to do that. still not a good excuse, huh?)

11. i spend a good hour to "get ready" in the morning, most of my time picking out my outfits and doing my hair.
--(that was when i did liberty spikes--yes, with preppy clothing--but, i've stopped doing that. picking out outfits is easier...jeans and a t-shirt? jeans and a polo?...)

12. i have been seen to wear a skirt on two rare occasions (one of which was halloween a long time ago).
--(guilty as charged...i think it's like, three or four now.)

13. i walked around the cafeteria with a glittery vest one rare monday.
--(well...shit.)

14. people think that my best guy friend is gay too.
--(yeah...people thought that josh was gay...that's funny.)

15. i just bitched out one of my chick friends for messing up my hair...and i'm about to bitch her out again for rubbing the gel off onto my sweater.
--(and i'll still bitch people out of messing with my hair, damnit.)

16. i'm a songwriter.
--(punk/emo damnit! punk/emo now!)

17. i write poetry.
--(so? shakespeare did too! no one accuses him of being gay...oh, wait. shit.)

18. one of my favorite musical artists is macy gray.
--(hell yeah.)

19. one of my favorite musical artists is prince (or formerly known as, whatever).
--(once again: hell yeah.)

alright...but, i've changed a bit since february 16, 2002...a lot, really. but...hey, it's fun...i'm just glad i've "forgotten" the rest of the reasons that have popped up since then...i think the list, because people had kept tabs since then, had grown to, like, 40+ with appendages.

i'm actually proud of all those things that aroused misconceptions...because those things were/are uniquely me...even if i didn't act like i appreciated them.

it's funny. it's a way for people to remember me. i enjoy it. it was one of those shining moments from my senior year in drama.

you can either walk away with all the bad and horrible memories, or stay thinking about that one shining moment.
--orientation leader carrie.

laugh and love and happy afternoons
watching tv from your room while you're laying in my arms
and i know it's not fair to me to see this love walk right by me every day
will we ever meet the right way?
-- the early november : all we ever needed

//location//a school that is a pool of women
//mood//indiana jones-a-rific
//music in head//theme to indiana jones
//garb//wishing i was wearing my costume

//first and foremost, to the canyon drama department
i gave myself the priveledge of hanging out with the canyon drama department last friday at the fullerton college theatre festival.

everytime that i've seen them this year, i regret the fact that i left the department with such a strong bitterness last year. but...at the same time...i am super-proud of the department, and what it has blossomed to become, and i can only hope that it continues growing in that direction.

the drama group that i see is a very talented, but most of all, positive group of students, which i am very glad to see. i'm glad to see the new-comers, and i'm am just as glad to see how each performer has grown in his or her own way.

okay, so you may have walked away from the festival (notice, it's not a competition) without any trophies or material awards...but, you have walked away from it with at least one thing: my complete respect, admiration, and adulation of this flourishing program.

just remember, theatre is not supposed to be a competition...no form of performance should be a competition. for example, it is very difficult to compare two different products: you can't compare divine secrets of the ya-ya sisterhood with another movie like amelie...the same goes for theatre pieces.

don't be discouraged because you didn't walk away with material awards. if you're doing theatre to win stuff, you're doing it for the wrong reasons. do it for yourself.

take the judges comments, positive and negative, and apply them to each of your future performances, they're not out to get you. you never know what influences a judge's decisions, you never know what each judge is looking for, just saw, or just ate on any given day. it's like an audition, a judge/director with either see it fit to her/his liking, or not...it's almost random.

keep on doing what you're doing. there are a lot of people who, like me, thoroughly enjoy what you're doing.

//the disneyland orientations
i've never had so much fun in a long time. whod've thought that job orientation could be fun? i guess that's disney for you!

anyways...i found out where i am working. now, on my hire sheet, it said somewhere in fantasyland or toontown, but, i found out that it was meaningless (insert sigh of relief here).

actually, i am going to be working at indiana jones!!! now, i am really really psyched about it, especially because we get really cool costumes, and the jackets are soooooooooooo warm, and it's indoors. so, hell yeah baby!

//random notes
--hi t!ff.

--i'd just like to apologize to sean and chris, who called me this last weekend, i was damn near asleep when you guys called in a bad cell-phone reception area...so...sorry we couldn't...i had really early mornings this last weekend.

--canada rocks...at least, my canadian readers do.

--i've been watching american idol lately, and feeling a bit whoreish at the same time, and, wow, clay aiken does rock. wow.

--oklahoma sucks.
--cal does not suck. go bears.

--the oscars were good this year.

--if you've noticed, this is a no-war-zone entry. don't want to talk about it today, don't feel a pushing need to talk about it...other than: don't buy into propaganda, be informed, and support our troops.

dance break.
-- ryan, an orientation leader. after hearing of my past job (almost a hip-hop choreographer), he implemented a rule where if he said dance break, i'd have to break out in a 5-second dance routine. disney rocks.