[~] i wrote earlier today, scroll down buddy. [~]

//update.poetry.yeahh
new poem up on poetic impulse...so go ahead and jump on over there.

-this is me (or midnight biological autobiography on may23/03)

yeahh...check the new one out, and also dive into my library of 70+ other works...

i'm out.

//moo.d//absent+detached

//quick.change
okay, so, i woke up a good hour-and-a-half later than i usually do for school...not good.

my parents are out of town, so i have a few more chores to do than usual in the morning...worse.

but, i get my shit done, and i'm out the door and at school in record time.

it only took me ten minutes to get from my house to school...which meant i was weaving through morning freeway traffic and speeding my ass off.

that, my friends, was fun.

//fag
okay, so a few of my friends were playing a word association game last night at crew (i.e. you say one word, and you say the first one that comes to mind after that), and from what i heard the chain went:
...rape, butt, fag, nate...

upon hearing this, i kinda just disconnected and got pissed.

i'm sure allison didn't have any malicious intent...but, it still hurt for personal reasons.

i'm too damn sensitive about stuff.

it just brought back the whole high school BS of having to deal with the misconception of my sexuality (dude, i'm not a fag, i'm straight...jeezus). it sucks having to face that demon again, and have manifested in the side of me that no one likes (the angry side of me).

//score+slam
i went to the bookstore yesterday and totally scored on some books...well two...but yeah.

i got this awesome document on the recent rise of spoken word poetry, which was awesome because it also comes with a cd with a bunch of spoken word pieces, and commentary on all the different styles of spoken word. i was excited when i saw the book. i also got billy collins' poetry 180, which is an anthology of 180 short contemporary poems, much like on the website...but, i was psyched when i saw it at the store...reminded me of mrs. hahn's english class.

//soon
i've been writing a lot of poetry lately, but, i need to get my film developed before anyone else can see it...you see, i've been writing on chalkboards and whiteboards, so in order to save the work, i take pictures of it before i erase it...so, it's gonna be a little bit before the words see the light of day, again. but, expect an update on poetic impulse soon, like, today.

she had to piss on my parade.
--mary, last night, referring to lisa's move in a game of uno.

//mood//faking.it
//current.album//the antidote : the wiseguys

//anti.and.drugs_but.not.together
i felt pretty damn anti-social yesterday...i don't know...it sort of manifested itself in self-deprication and crankiness.

the fact is, i see things coming to an end with this semester...i see my social satisfaction slowly disappearing, and it's back to dis-satisfaction and dealing with whatever comes to me, even if i'm not really happy with it.

i still have a few days to change that, but, i don't know...i'm just used to getting screwed in situations like this.

i don't really talk about this much, but, i'd be a horrible liar if i didn't say that drugs didn't mildly attract me...i'm not just talking weed...but, i'm talking speed, ecstacy, and meth.

i've been feeling so un-sociable and un-interesting...a few upper-drugs could just fix that.

lucky/un-lucky for me i can't find a dealer for the life of me...since i'm too scared to ask around, since most of the people i know don't do drugs.

//the.net.is_a_funny.place
okay, so, i spent time on the internet watching mpegs and cartoons yesterday...and i found some funny stuff...

[~]tokyo breakfast
found @ albino blacksheep: i don't think i've laughed so hard before. here's a quick synopsis: a six-minute vignette of a modern-day japanese family eating breakfast in the morning while grampa goes fishing, and they sort out the daughter's academic situation. oh yeah, and they did order a case of 40's. it'll get you asking your father do you want some orange juice, n*gga?!

[~]weeeee! (gonads and strife)
found @ threebrain: some might say it's weird, the rest of the world would probably agree. two things will summarize this flash rock video: a squirrel is the star of this video, and one of the quotes is yo, i went up to this thug gangsta and i was like "mothaf*cka, weeeeeee!"

[~]joe fish
found @ joe cartoon: a dry-witted gerbil in a piranha tank. enough said.

//out.of.town_means.nothing
yesterday's killer quote: i've got an empty house for a week and no-one to f*ck.

that's right, i said that last night.

my parents are out of town for a week...but, it really means nothing...it's not a big change for my daily norms...it just means i have a few extra daily chores...but, that's all.

i should move out.

soon.

not because i can't stand my parents, i actually love them and don't mind their company.

i need to move out because the social isolation is suffocating me. killing me.

i need to live somewhere that i'm forced to make friends.

i deserve so much sex after finals
--the ever-so quotable mig.

//mood//awake.and.alive
//current.album//meteora : linkin park

//too.hot.to.drink
okay, so, my house is getting the air-conditioning re-done because we have two stories, so we're having a separate air-conditioning done for the second floor of my house--because the temperatures can be two different extremes on two floors and it gets hella annoying.

oh, the plights of upper-middle-class life.

but, yeah...but...i was also thinking about things i really didn't need to be thinking about: the reason why i have a small ice-cube-and-salt shaped burn on the back of my right hand, things i shouldn't have asked about on friday night, all the f*cked up ways i've left past relationships. i've got reminders of everything i've ever done sprawled around my room, whether it's a small i-zone picture of a girl that i didn't want to date seriously or a shoe-box full of shattered memories.

kinda pathetic...it all kinda got into my head last night...

i'm really struggling to let go...more than i think that i should...

i'm trying not to care anymore, because i'll probably never be friends with annie again, as much i want to be her friend...i'm having trouble facing the fact that it probably won't happen.

the catalyst for this was friday night, when i asked a friend of annie's about her...and i was really happy to hear that she was doing well...but, the predominant thought was that i wished that i could have heard it from her.

i don't like hearing about people i care about from the third party, and when you have to do it constantly, it makes you look pathetic...and i don't want to be pathetic anymore...so, i've been spending time letting go of the sh*t i've done in the past...

somehow it looks like i'm still holding on.

i'm trying to let go.

i just need to face the facts right now.

but, yeah...

back to the air-conditioning thing...the thing that links this together is that i was trying to drink last night because i was having trouble sleeping with all the crap on my mind...so, i had a few sips of my beloved rum...but, it was so damn hot that i wasn't really having it anymore...so, i was just kinda frustrated and happy gilmore'd my way to sleep (it never fails).

but, hear me this: i'm not depressed.

//re.start
i usually say that i want a restart when i'm not happy with life...but, i'm pretty content with things...

i'm looking for a restart in life because i know where i want to restart socially, whereas before i didn't...

i've just changed and need an appropriate change of scenery, and i've found it.

no apologies.

seriously.

what else should i be?
all apologies
what else should i say?
everyone is gay
what else could i write?
i don't have the right
what else should i be?
all apologies
--nirvana : all apologies

//mood//something...amalgam of different emotions.
//song//say it ain't so : weezer

//to.day
it's the only real bad day that i have, academically--i'm calling it hell day, but, it only lasts for 5 hours or so...so, it's more like hell time...but...yeah, anthro stuff is due, and i have two chemistry tests...but, after that: sillkyy smooth sailing.

//say.it.ain't.so
the vibe i get from this song reflects something that i'm feeling emotionally right now...i don't know...it's not so much the lyrical message (rivers' coping with his father's alcohol dependacy)...it's more so the musical element that could provide a good background song for me...at least at this point in time in the morning...

//this-or-that tuesday
from this-or-that.org

1. Large or small family?
small...it's all that i've really been comfortable with...large family gatherings tend to become tedious, and i know less people.

2. Potato chips or pretzels?
potato chips...i was raised on those, not pretzels.

3. House or apartment?
apartment...because i'm looking to move out sometime soon, and an apartment is more economically sound to me.

4. Zebras or giraffes?
giraffes...i don't know, out of the two, those just appeal to me more.

5. Candles or potpourri?
candles...because they make me think about sex.

6. Flowers or trees?
flowers...because they make me think about sex.

7. Right or left-handed?
left-handed...i'm a righty myself, but, lefties make kick-ass pitchers.

8. Model trains or dolls/stuffed animals?
stuffed animals...model trains make me think of nerds, unless you're an osbourne.

9. Comedy or drama?
comedy...as much as i love the emotional component of drama, i prefer the good laugh...it's more social.

10. Thought-provoking question of the week: The city of Boston has recently banned smoking in all restaurants and bars. Would you want to see such a law passed in your city/town/country, or not?
that kind of law already kinda exists out here in california...so...i really wouldn't mind seeing it stay, it's pretty nice to walk into a restaurant/bar and not have to pass through a cloud of smoke...i kinda get shocked (but not offended) when i walk into a restaurant/bar in another state and see the smoke, just because it's so different. i'm kinda apathetic about the whole thing, really.

//moo.d//somewhat_refreshed.
//mu.sic//take it off : the donnas

//damn_porn
okay...so, i'm logging onto the internet at school wanting to check my email and websites and such, and the first thing i see is porn.

i never thought the day would come where i didn't want to see porn, or where i would be frustrated to see porn...but, yeah...it was probably not one of the first things i wanted to see today...just because i'm pressed for time right now and have other things to do...and the fact that the damn pop-up ads would not stop...ughh...

//satisfaction+how.to_make_the((best))out.of_a_non-ideal-weekend
so...it was opening weekend for the talented mr. ripley, which meant that there are a handful of college students who have to spend a few weekends pent up in classrooms for the distribution of costumes/make-up/props...

somehow, as un-fun as it could seem, it turned out that this equation could make a good weekend:
2 bags of chips
+ cd player
+ computer speakers
+ shitload of cds
+ playing cards
+ handful of performing arts majors
+ electronic taboo
+ chalkboard improv
+ three editions of the book of questions
+ uno
= the best of a non-ideal weekend.

i've never come so close to shitting my pants while laughing...

it was a good weekend spent with good people.

the fact is, i haven't had so much fun hanging out with a group of people in awhile...i could have done without the bickering about what makes good music...people argue about it like it's a religion...

i mean i love the stuff...but, it's just music.

i know how much of a geek it makes me sound, but, i'm gonna be sad when the crew assignment ends...because then i go back to not really knowing anybody and not having this fun experience anymore.

i mean, the costume crew is seven people strong, four girls, three guys...it's like the real world...

i really like this group of people...

and it all ends on sunday.

in this struggle of making friends, it kinda sucks that it all ends...

i hope it's not as ephemeral as it seems.

i haven't been this happy in awhile.

it's almost like i can stop pretending to be happy for awhile, and actually just be happy.