//emo//low
//song//fallen interlude : blink 182

//lines
lines have been drawn at work...battle lines.

last night was the most miserable night i had ever had at work. so much happened within the first 15-20 minutes that i walked in. i've mulled over the events of the night as a whole a lot...and i care not to discuss them at length. for the whole night i felt like i had been punched in the stomach. there were times that i wanted to throw up...so much had been going on i fought back tears. it wasn't just one thing, it was a lot of things...it wasn't just work, it was also school and the lack of sleep that i had gotten in the past few days.

i'm just doing my best to be there for carina.

all that happened last night at work is not the end of the world...whatever happens will happen and life will go on.

i don't know what to say here more than what i've said...i'm work out at as a result of everything, so, yeah.

//amidst
amidst all of this, i've been trying to figure out why i'm so drawn to carina...why i'm so drawn to being there for her. i just am...maybe it's the strange chemistry...whatever it is, i like her and being around her. i like getting to know her and everything...whatever happens won't hurt whatever bond we've started to form.

mind you...what i've got is a beginning...i have yet to find out if there's a middle and/or an end...

so, if you've been itching for details, that's what you're gonna get for the time being.

are you two dating?
we've only been on one "date," as people classify it as such. so...draw from that what you will.

do you like her?
yes.

//biased
i know that my opinions are biased right now because of my involvements with people...and this is not an easy thing to deal with.

//gotta[get.out]
more than ever do i want to transfer out of the temple and into another attraction. within the past eight/nine months i've been employed, everything just seems like it has been headed downhill...or some downward spiral. this is definitely the worst i've felt in awhile.

//up
despite all of this, i am trying to be optomistic. i am hoping for the best. it's all i can do...hoping for the worst, or expecting anything, will do me no good...i like to have faith that things happen for a reason. i think everything that has happened is all a part of something bigger...there has got to be a reason for this. i refuse to believe that there is no good in this situation.

//emo//grood!
//song//leaving : the starting line

//smile
so...when you hang out with another cast member of the opposite sex after they get off of work people will itch you for details about the night before. here's an example:

co-cast member: (with hopes of finding details and a positive answer) so are you and carina going out?
me: (smiling slyly and non-suggestively) that's my business. (walk away)

the funny thing is that i don't remember telling anyone about carina and me meeting up...i might have told, like, one or two people...so, it just seems random how fast that news travels. crazy...but, don't expect me to reveal too many details at work or on this blog...well, at work at least...but...

//non-definite
nothing is definite, and i've been saying that for awhile now. now, my hopes are so high that a kiss might kill me...but my expectations are still non-existant. i mean...let us study the december so far...

[week one] quit smoking, infatuated with tasia. got over the infatuation trip and found a little bit of clarity. went to the holiday party, invited alison to come join us. after that, didn't talk to alison or tasia a whole lot.

[week two] continued to quit smoking, developed an infatuation with gingerbread lattes and cheese danishes as a breakfast. met carina, found a lot of common ground, quickly developed an interest in hanging out with her and getting to know her more, cool girl, liking her, hung out, liking her more, people ask questions about my recent actions and i shed nothing because it's my business.

so nate, what happened with that whole tasia thing?
i'm nineteen, i'm only gonna be a teenager for another month, and it's the winter time...so if there ever was a time to take chances and make mistakes, the time is now. as time went by, i calmed down about tasia. i mean, the truth is, it was the first time in a long time that i had been infatuated like that in a long time...but it was in a childish fashion...after i shook that out of my system, i had time to enjoy myself. i like flirting around and seeing what is out there for me...i'm not going to shut any doors just yet, because the future is so uncertain and i am so young.

do i plan on settling down? when i feel the time is right. i don't want to pass up a good thing...when i think that good thing comes around, that's when i'll settle down. it could be soon, it could be later...you never really know these things.

i might date around for a little bit of time...or i might not...who knows? i just don't want to bound myself with rules and expectations. i'm more like a virgin mobile phone: living without a plan.

this haphazard attitude of mine is what will make this december so memorable...just because i think i'm growing up a lot...or at least making discoveries about things that i think are important. i don't know how this all will end up...but, hey, there's hope, and that rocks.

truth be told, and this is the most i'll say for now: i like carina a lot because i've gotten the chance to hang out with her for a little bit...this will take a little more time and patience...i hope all goes well...i know that everything will work out the way that it needs to work out.

that's all i plan on saying about anything right now...i'm looking forward to san diego next week.

//emo//nerved
//song//such great heights : the postal service

//nerves
i audition in an hour...i'm kinda prepared...kinda nervous...carina, a new hire, also had auditions today...we told each other break a leg...well, i hope we both do well. i'm not expecting to get cast in anything...i'm just expecting to get noticed for a few minutes by the directors, then try out for a few one-acts next semester. that's how it goes.

auditioning is such an unreal thing...i shouldn't be nervous...i either fit a part, or i don't...being 5'5" and filipino, there aren't a lot parts out for me. that's reality...but, hey, might as well die trying.

//gotta[do]
i need to go out this week...i think i will. i'll get something together with someone...aside from the rocket summer show this week...i'd like to go out and get to know a girl, for fun...a nice recreational date.

//julie
i miss julie. i remember this one night in the middle of last summer where, on a complete whim, i decided that julie was not going to stay home after work...but rather, we'd hang out...it was a fun night. we chilled at johnny rocket's at the spectrum, had shakes/malts and fries...then went and saw matrix reloaded. it was a fun night. can't wait 'til she comes back down here.

//thursday
i asked carina if she wanted to see a play this thursday, and she seemed willing...except, i just found out today that play doesn't have a thursday show...although, another play does...so, we'll see. i just met her yesterday...she seems cool. i wouldn't mind hanging out with her and getting to know her outside of work. we've got that common ground as triple threat actors. it's cool stuff. again i say, we'll figure it out...i'm not in a rush...i'm just trying to survive this week right now and have some fun in the meantime if it can happen. (fingers crossed, hoping for the best)

//oh[hell]
one more thing...we've had these demonstrators on campus...these really annoying guys...assholes really, screaming that everyone's going to hell...you need jesus...yadda... now, i have nothing against evangelism and the like as long as it's done in a courteous manner...but, when you're yelling at people and berating everyone around you for being heathens, you're taking it to another level. well, i'm passing by them with classmates, and they're screaming they're heads off, and i'm just yelling:

for the love of jesus, can i just have one goddamned conversation without having someone interrupt the hell out of it. goddamnit, just let me have my conversation. jesus christ.

i'm sorry...as sacriligious as my speech was, i think jesus himself would be embarrassed by the behavior of these radicals. i was waiting for bill o'reilly to show up and give his trademark shut up to these guys.

i pass by these guys, and then i say to a random instructor: these guys are scaring the jesus out of me...and random instructor was all like: seriously, they make me embarrassed to be a christian.

honestly...this isn't the most productive way to get your message across--don't threaten eternal damnation, that just makes this whole religion thing creepy and hard to celebrate...really.

one more thing...i just added a new poem to my poetry site:

cold air

it's about winter in orange county, ca. it's nice.

//emo//hormonly excited
//song//latin girls : black eyed peas

//kindness
no one likes conflict and undue tension...i've decided to kill it with kindness. that old phrase it takes more muscles to frown than it does to smile...i think it also applies to friendships/relationships. i think that even the strongest of friendships cannot go without hitting a few bumps in the road.

//quick[announcement]
my name is nathaniel and i'm awesome!

//addiction
it has been a week since i've stopped smoking (my last cigarette was november 30th)...and i think i've had a good handle on it so far...not too bad. every now and then i've been caught in a frustrated haze saying i wish i hadn't stopped smoking...but otherwise, i've been steadily going well without a smoke. on the flipside of things...i think my addiction to smoking has been replaced by an addiction to two things:

[a] an addiction to gingerbread lattes
[b] an addiction to flirtativeness

the coffee thing is no biggie...as for being uber-friendly, that's kinda different, since flirtation takes a little bit of confidence...and i've been really confident in myself lately. i just need to not get my horny ass in trouble. at least it'll be something to remember about this december.

//readiness
i'm so ready, and not ready, for this semester to end...i've got so much to do...but, it's only a few more days. rock on.