//mood//fawesome
//song//hurricane : something.corporate

//text[messaging]
around 7:55pm last night...
mig d/cell: i love you.

around 7:56pm last night...
mig d/cell: IN MY PANTS!

thank goodness for my long distance friends. i love you mig. inside and outside my pants.

//long[distance]friend
so, julie came back wednesday night, and i was really happy to see her at the mouscars...albeit, we didn't get to talk much that night...but, it was still awesome seeing her there. but, actually, after getting lost in irvine/laguna hills/laguna niguel, i hung out with julie for a bit last night. it was so worth getting lost...we got boba, and it was very good times. it was nice to see her and talk to her about life and indy.

if i don't get to see you again while you're here, i can't wait to see you again!

//mouscars
so, like i said, i did end up going to the mouscars...a little freaked out at first, because, well...the first people i saw were in gowns and formal attire....and there i was in jeans, white button-down dress shirt under my paul frank t-shirt, white tennis shoes, and a black suit jacket with my buttons, so...yeah...but then i saw the rest of the adventureland crew, and it wasn't so bad...it wasn't a formal event, and i felt better.

go keoni! go fredo! go andy!

after the show there was the reception...and that was really fun...dancing, free food...i downed several bottles of water...it was very good times.

//freelancing
i might be writing an article for the upcoming issue of hardboiled. i'll keep y'all posted about that...it should be an interesting articule, laden with my trademark sarcastic wit, and whatnot...whatever.

//on[second]thought
after talking about things, and thinking about them as well last night...i think that apologies are in order, from me.

//hurricane
shake down, you make me break.
for goodness sake, i think i'm on the edge of something new with you.
shout out, don't drown the sound, i'll drown you out
you'll never scream so loud as i want to scream with you.

standing there with your smile blinding your eyes from seeing
my face as i'm dying to figure out a girl.
but she drifts so far away,
i'm on her coast so maybe i should stay and map around your world.

[chorus]
so don't say "these currents are still killing me" and you can't explain
but the wind went and pulled me into the hurricane

stand up don't make a sound, your ears might bleed.
there are sweet flourescent enemies that live inside me.
the world moves faster than i knew,
not fast enough to not creep up on you
and the space we put between.
so pull me under: your weather patterns,
your cold fronts, and the rain don't matter,
becuase the sun burns what i needed

[chorus]

you don't do it on purpose but you make me shake,
now i count the hours 'til you wake with your babies breath,
breathe symphonies, come on sweet catastrophe.

maybe this time i can follow through,
i can feel complete, stop paying dues.
stop the rain from falling, keep my oceans calm.
this time I know nothing's wrong.

[chorus]

copyright 2001, by something corporate, under license by geffen records.

//mood//excited+fungry

//apathy
1: lack of feeling or emotion.
2: lack of interest or concern.

it's such a small part of me. there's too much going on right now for me to care. i'm unshaken and it feels good.

//touchdown
julie comes home today. i thought i was gonna pick her up...lack of communication on both our parts leads me to believe otherwise.

at least that's what i'll say out loud.

//scene
i'm really excited about my scene today in acting...i actually put a lot of thought into this, even if it's only a small thing...i think it's gonna be really good. there's a lot of dramatic potential...we'll see once we get it done. it'll be grreat!

//awards
i dunno if i'm gonna go to the mouscars tonight...now that i've said it, i know that i'll prolly get a call or a message telling me that i have to go. it won't be so bad...i just have qualms about immersing myself in the drama of indy when i don't necessarily have to. too much potential drama...which isn't necessarily bad, per se, but it's just something that i don't feel is necessary for me to dive into.

//the.drama
to be honest, i love like everybody (except for crazy miss "i have a million safeties") at indy, regardless of whether they like me back--this would explain why i get concerned about some people, and mask it with content. but seriously, i hate negativity...there is way too much negativity surrounding the different indy cliques...it reminds me way too much of my high school drama department...and well, negativity is extremely contagious...and, i don't know if i really want to be around it...that's why i like goofing off at work, and focusing on my job...everybody gets so caught up in the drama at work that we lost sight of what's really important...we lose track of the fact that we're all human and that things will be said, people will be misunderstood, and not everyone's going to be liked. there's just too much crap in the air these days.

whatever happened to respect?

there's too much duplicity around there.

//duplicity
contradictory doubleness of thought, speech, or action; especially: the belying of one's true intentions by deceptive words or action.

//happy
i'm incredible today. you should be incredible too.

for those of you enveloped in negativity...there is so much to be positive about. it's so easy to focus on the negative...the i don't have's...when the truth is, you've got a lot to be thankful for. we're raised to want in a voracious way...that's what we're taught: we have a lot, we don't have enough. we forget the people do care about us. we forget about the priveleges we have. our minds are so set on material goods that these goods really do us little good. people have started to become possessions...and that makes us no better than slave drivers if that's true. just think positive for once...a lot of times it doesn't seem that easy, but it is just as contagious as the opposite.

you're not ugly, you're beautiful.
you're not stupid, you're uniquely insightful.
you're not worthless, you're more than you think.

but, you might be a loser...and i can't help you!!!

just kidding.

//mood//tired
//song//ashala.rock : the.early.november

//torture
sometimes i realize that i just torture myself by reading things that i know i don't want to read. i kinda want to end that habit...but, a part of me itches to know where i went wrong...then again, there's an equally big part of me that is indifferent and doesn't care. to be completely honest, i regret nothing, and ultimately, the indifferent part of me wins.

that makes all the difference.
that makes me happy.
seriously.

//courage
i've been so much more confident in myself than i can ever remember, at least lately. i'm not exactly the poster-boy or epitome of confidence and self-esteem just yet...but, i've found a deeper well of confidence. the fear of rejection is universal, i'm discovering...at least i think it is...you never really know the answer to a question until you ask it...i think i'm gonna try something different today. i've been doing things differently everyday.

//the.drama
there's a part of me that kinda makes me want to arrange some time to meet up with her and find out what the hell is going on in her head. i know that there is some ridiculousness in saying that she's moody, because i've been incredibly moody before, and i know several other moody people...but, for the most part, it's mainly curiousity to find out what happened to her.

//[not]dying.to*please
i'm not trying to please people anymore...and i think that's why i'm more confident than ever...because i'm not relying on others for my self-worth. it's not so much that i'm completely apathetic...it's just that i care less than i did before. complete apathy would be carelessness...i simply care less. i've found a lot of things that i really do like about myself, and a lot of things that provide me self-esteem and self-worth, things that other people cannot take away from me...things that other people can try to de-value in me, but will not succeed unless i let them.

it's not like i've established this insanely inpenetrable outer shell...i still let people in...but, i don't let people get to me anymore.

for the most part, it's all based on doing what i want, as opposed to doing what i think i should do.

i'm a little more selfish in the areas that i've needed to be selfish...i refuse to sell myself short.

i've stopped caring in a way that i can stop caring without getting depressed. i used to get depressed because i though that i could not care. i do not get depressed because i choose not to care.

i know that what i'm saying seems a bit enigmatic and puzzling, but...it does make sense. trust me on that.

this is not to say that i am invincible now. every now and again, the sh_t does go down and it gets to me. but, i don't let it take me over for that long. i am incredibly resilient.

these are the things that make me happy.
these are the things that make me who i am.
i'm not perfect.
neither are you.