//mood//tired
//song//ashala.rock : the.early.november

//torture
sometimes i realize that i just torture myself by reading things that i know i don't want to read. i kinda want to end that habit...but, a part of me itches to know where i went wrong...then again, there's an equally big part of me that is indifferent and doesn't care. to be completely honest, i regret nothing, and ultimately, the indifferent part of me wins.

that makes all the difference.
that makes me happy.
seriously.

//courage
i've been so much more confident in myself than i can ever remember, at least lately. i'm not exactly the poster-boy or epitome of confidence and self-esteem just yet...but, i've found a deeper well of confidence. the fear of rejection is universal, i'm discovering...at least i think it is...you never really know the answer to a question until you ask it...i think i'm gonna try something different today. i've been doing things differently everyday.

//the.drama
there's a part of me that kinda makes me want to arrange some time to meet up with her and find out what the hell is going on in her head. i know that there is some ridiculousness in saying that she's moody, because i've been incredibly moody before, and i know several other moody people...but, for the most part, it's mainly curiousity to find out what happened to her.

//[not]dying.to*please
i'm not trying to please people anymore...and i think that's why i'm more confident than ever...because i'm not relying on others for my self-worth. it's not so much that i'm completely apathetic...it's just that i care less than i did before. complete apathy would be carelessness...i simply care less. i've found a lot of things that i really do like about myself, and a lot of things that provide me self-esteem and self-worth, things that other people cannot take away from me...things that other people can try to de-value in me, but will not succeed unless i let them.

it's not like i've established this insanely inpenetrable outer shell...i still let people in...but, i don't let people get to me anymore.

for the most part, it's all based on doing what i want, as opposed to doing what i think i should do.

i'm a little more selfish in the areas that i've needed to be selfish...i refuse to sell myself short.

i've stopped caring in a way that i can stop caring without getting depressed. i used to get depressed because i though that i could not care. i do not get depressed because i choose not to care.

i know that what i'm saying seems a bit enigmatic and puzzling, but...it does make sense. trust me on that.

this is not to say that i am invincible now. every now and again, the sh_t does go down and it gets to me. but, i don't let it take me over for that long. i am incredibly resilient.

these are the things that make me happy.
these are the things that make me who i am.
i'm not perfect.
neither are you.