//mood//decent* (embarrassment makes up most of the asterisk)
//hangover//none

//drink.to.forget
okay, usually, when i drink, i forget about whatever problems and personal issues i'm having at the moment and have a lot of fun wherever i am. so, i drank at the party last night...i drank a lot in a short amount of time. after several bottles of different drinks i lost myself at some point in the evening.

i'd realized that i probably drank too much after the second time i'd thrown up.

i could barely maintain my balance wherever i walked around...i felt lightheaded/dizzy just sitting still. i ended up passing out on a staircase, then on a couch in a darkened living room.

i'd never gotten drunk before. i've gotten severely buzzed, but not drunk before last night.

i really didn't feel like i could socialize that night because of my severely inebriated state.

//the.backfire
so, my plan to forget my problems really backfired.

instead of letting the drinks wash away my problems for an ephemeral bliss...they only amplified and enlargened whatever negative feelings i felt...and i felt a lot worse leaving the party than when i entered it.

the truth is, i felt really alone sitting in the room alone while i was recovering.

all i've really wanted for the past while is a genuine, tight, hug.

//happiness
i think that everyone's idea of happiness is different. everyone can describe happiness in different ways because it means something different to everyone else.

the fact is, i think that the best way to describe happiness is a really good hug.

just the feeling of being held tight is awesome...and you're also holding the other person tight: it's reciprocity.

i'm not just talking about any hug...

i'm kinda just rambling right now, and i'm done with that subject.

//bad.decision
luckily i gave myself time to recover, otherwise...yeah.

i'd driven myself home that night because i didn't feel as crap-faced anymore, i felt recovered...

but, i really do not recommend doing it ever again.

it took awhile to get my bearings back after i started driving, the fact that the road kind of winded a little did not help.

//late.night.therapy.sessions
i talked to stephani when i made it home.

i don't want to get into the details of the conversation, but what it came down to is this:

only i have the choice to be happy or unhappy. only i have the choice to let other people get me down or not.

i'm still working on it.

the sad thing is i couldn't remember the last time i really was happy.

//afraid
i'm kind of scared to go to work today because of what happened last night because i'm just embarrassed about getting that drunk in front of everyone.

i need to go now and apologize to someone.

after that: stop walking a path toward self-destruction and just begin walking somewhere and hope a promise of happiness comes my way.

take a deep breath and let it go.

//mood//careless* (with little reticence)

//friday.night
gotta keep it short and sweet.

it's friday night.

there's a party.

there are indy kids.

there's a reason to forget the crap in my life, and the fact that i played third/fifth wheel yesterday, and the fact that i feel like anaheim's most unattractive nineteen year old heterosexual filipino-american whitewashed male.

there's gonna be a reason to get a little funk'd up tonight.

and it will be good.

and it will be fun.

it will be good times.

and i've been listening to a lot of squirrel nut zippers, and it has put me in a better mood.

//mood//decent* (sometimes i wish i was unaware of the asterisk)

//measuring.up
sometimes i just hate being the awkward short guy with the glasses. if there's one easy way to get me down, it's when i come face to face with the physical standards that i constantly feel like i have to measure up to in order to make it in this world. it's difficult enough having to measure up to the standards that i see everyday in magazines and television...

i think the one bad thing about having a lot of friends that are girls is that it amplifies that physical standard by, like, a million...because when you work at a place where there are a lot of guests and attractive co-cast members, it facilitates anyone to say wow, look at that person--he/she is hot. i just feel like the awkward one in the whole crew, the one young guy no one is really interested in.

to add insult to injury, the old cliche comes into play: the jerk winds up with the girl. i end up being the friend that hears everything about it.

//people.and.possessions
if it's one thing that makes me sick about most guys, it's how a lot of guys will say this girl is mine, i called dibs on her, so you stay away before anything has happened at all.

that just pisses me off, last time i checked, i thought it was a two-way choice between the guy and the girl...not just the guy.

it really pisses me off to hear a guy tell me hey, you back off of her when (1) i'm just talking to the girl; (2) as far as i know, she hasn't sent the guy any signals; and (3) the guy is a complete douche-bag who is dealing with his insecurities with his sexuality.

i was just taught that women are not possessions to be won or for whom to be competed...so, the whole situation kind of makes me sick...and she's unaware of how much of a jerk he is.

all i know is that i don't want to turn this into a competition, and i will not let it. he can let it be one for himself, but...i'm not competing, that's not my style, that's not how i was raised.

//third.wheel
i need to find a new guy best friend, because i'm pretty fed up with having the best friend that always gets the girl without me knowing it until i start having to play third wheel whenever we chill. between me and josh, josh was always the one everyone liked more, got asked to the dances first, and got the girl that i was interested in. i'm supposed to go to disneyland with him and his girlfriend, today...but, it'll feel way too much like old high school times where i was the third wheel...

i haven't done that in a long time, and i don't want to.

//indy.makes.things.better
so, i was feeling really crappy last night after work because
[~] i'm dealing with my own physical insecurities
[~] i'm dealing with the fact that i might have to play the third wheel the next day

i really love hanging out with the indy crew. i got to forget about my problems for awhile, and the asterisk was lifted from above my head for awhile...it was nice. it feels good to laugh and be around people that you trust...it's just nice.

working at indy has totally made up for the fact that i go to a commuter school where it's harder than hell to make friends.

getting to laugh my night away with julie, keoni, brittany, nicole, bo, casey (damn you for assulting my strawberry lemonade), alfredo, and yvette was a blast, as usual...thanks for being awesome co-cast members.

//mood//good* and cared for

//i.really.know.how.it.feels...
...to be, stressed out, stressed out, and come face to face with all of life's adversities...

so, this week the asterisk consists of only a couple things:
[~] too many people at work
[~] my irrational paranoia of gossip concerning my reputation at work

it's really difficult when it's your natural disposition to look for emotional bonds, and at the same time work at a place where a lot of the girls there are very attractive.

//check.your.ego
if there is one thing that i would have to point out in people (in general) and say that this is a trait that i completely detest, it is an utter lack of humility. i am particularly put-off by people who are cocky to the point where it is just arrogant, and have a constant desire to flex their (lack of) power over others. i think it is fun to magnify this weakness when i see it in others...

i don't know, but when certain people keep on stressing the fact that they've worked somewhere a couple more months than most of the new-hires (five months as opposed to 1-3 months), the whole i've been here longer act becomes trite and played out, and very old.

julie, i luv ya, and i can't stand him either.

//gossip.folks
everyone will have something to say about someone. it sucks, but eff em.

//dependacies.like.drugs
nikki keeps saying all i need is a girlfriend...on the one hand, i'm kinda like okay..., and on the other hand i don't like that word need. i mean, i guess i'd like to have one, it'd be nice to have one...but as a dependacy for my well being? i really don't think i need one...that just means i'm not really independent, and pretty pathetic.

the moment girls become a drug for me is the time i need to go to rehab...i don't want to turn out like that.

//what.i'd.like...
not need.

i'd like a really good hug everynow and then, a heart felt hug.

i'd like a passionate kiss everynow and again.

i'd like to have a girl to hold, and to be held as well.

i've got a lot of love to give, and i'd also like some reciprocity.

as much as i'd like to be able to disconnect the emotions/feelings usually associated with these actions, i simply cannot. i'm not capable of doing such things...and trust me, being single would be a lot easier for me if i could disconnect the feelings, but i'm not built like that.

i was born to be the sensitive nice guy, hopeless romantic, that rarely ever gets the girl, and is usually the friend.

is it such a bad thing? sometimes it seems like it, a lot of times it seems like it...

...i just hope it gets better soon.

i'm tired of hoping though. i want to find a glimpse of promise.

i'm not saying i want the end-all be-all of relationships...but, i'd like something special for awhile.

i'd like to know that the person that i am is leading up to something.

i'd like to know that i won't always end up being just the nice-guy friend.

//it's.not.all.bad
i know it sounds all bad and stuff...but, things in nateland are indeed pretty good*. yeah, with the asterisk.

good* is more like good, with a heightened acknowledgement of reality. because, are things really ever all good?

you can't have good without the bad. there is always a balance.

and everything happens for a reason.

it's not so much a dashboard week for me anymore, it's more of a something corporate and zero7 week now.

callin' out to the astronaut
i need some of what you got
i need to be high
crawling out of the world she bought
callin out to the astronaut
i need to be high
--something corporate : the astronaut

//mood//good* (and the asterisk gets smaller)

//situations...will.arise
okay, i got in over my head with some stuff with girls in the past couple weeks...but it's a good thing, because it really helped me see a lot of things in myself that i needed to see for myself. miguel had said to me that (i) am not a casual dater, (i) am a CAUSAL relationshipper (no spelling error). not ready to believe him, or accept it, i went ahead and tried to play the field...the fact is, miguel was right, and now i know this about myself. i was fortunate to find this out with the aid of a couple very cool girls who are still my friends, and they rock my disneyland world.

//i.care
the simple facts about me, that i've just learned, are these:
[~] i am flirtatious, but not just to anyone.
[~] i really do care about people.

honestly, if i see an attractive girl, i will be flirty. my problem is that i need to distinguish my flirting from me trying to make an emotional connection. but, i don't think i can do that, because the reason i flirt, the cause behind my flirting is so that i can plant an emotional bond with a girl...so, maybe i just need to harness my flirtatious energy...well, really i don't need to--i've actually started trying to harness it, i just need to continue harnessing it and controlling it.

i really do care about people, and i think that's why i get depressed a lot...besides getting betrayed by those who i care about most. i don't want to hurt the people i care about, and in turn i get uber-paranoid a lot, and often it seems like those i care about the most will most easily turn their backs on me...it's an irrational fear that i'm trying to get over.

i think that everyone that i've ever had a relationship with has a place in my heart...seriously, i don't prefer to get into the logistics of how i got to that conclusion, but, if you wanna talk about it, i'll talk about it.

gotta go, finish listening to dashboard and then go to werk.