//mood//decent* (embarrassment makes up most of the asterisk)
//hangover//none

//drink.to.forget
okay, usually, when i drink, i forget about whatever problems and personal issues i'm having at the moment and have a lot of fun wherever i am. so, i drank at the party last night...i drank a lot in a short amount of time. after several bottles of different drinks i lost myself at some point in the evening.

i'd realized that i probably drank too much after the second time i'd thrown up.

i could barely maintain my balance wherever i walked around...i felt lightheaded/dizzy just sitting still. i ended up passing out on a staircase, then on a couch in a darkened living room.

i'd never gotten drunk before. i've gotten severely buzzed, but not drunk before last night.

i really didn't feel like i could socialize that night because of my severely inebriated state.

//the.backfire
so, my plan to forget my problems really backfired.

instead of letting the drinks wash away my problems for an ephemeral bliss...they only amplified and enlargened whatever negative feelings i felt...and i felt a lot worse leaving the party than when i entered it.

the truth is, i felt really alone sitting in the room alone while i was recovering.

all i've really wanted for the past while is a genuine, tight, hug.

//happiness
i think that everyone's idea of happiness is different. everyone can describe happiness in different ways because it means something different to everyone else.

the fact is, i think that the best way to describe happiness is a really good hug.

just the feeling of being held tight is awesome...and you're also holding the other person tight: it's reciprocity.

i'm not just talking about any hug...

i'm kinda just rambling right now, and i'm done with that subject.

//bad.decision
luckily i gave myself time to recover, otherwise...yeah.

i'd driven myself home that night because i didn't feel as crap-faced anymore, i felt recovered...

but, i really do not recommend doing it ever again.

it took awhile to get my bearings back after i started driving, the fact that the road kind of winded a little did not help.

//late.night.therapy.sessions
i talked to stephani when i made it home.

i don't want to get into the details of the conversation, but what it came down to is this:

only i have the choice to be happy or unhappy. only i have the choice to let other people get me down or not.

i'm still working on it.

the sad thing is i couldn't remember the last time i really was happy.

//afraid
i'm kind of scared to go to work today because of what happened last night because i'm just embarrassed about getting that drunk in front of everyone.

i need to go now and apologize to someone.

after that: stop walking a path toward self-destruction and just begin walking somewhere and hope a promise of happiness comes my way.

take a deep breath and let it go.