//mood//shaking.it.like.a[polaroid|picture]

//to.quote.a.song
you came to me and said "this could be something"
i'll take something over nothing anyday
--something corporate : inside the pocket

if you look at my status on the sidebar, it says i'm looking for something. it's not necessarily a relationship/girlfriend that i'm looking for...but, it's something (and as andrew mcmahon would say, i'll take something over nothing anyday). iono...for il, she'd prolly describe it as a distraction. i'd like something...i'd like the security of something. it's been over a year since my last relationship...and as much as i've liked being single...i don't know, it's still nothing...and i'd like to have some sort of emotional connection.

it's not like this wanting of mine is dragging me down in anyway...because it doesn't...but...wouldn't it be nice to have that something? that distraction? mmph...at least it's not dragging me down like it used to.

it isn't an emotional torture to be single and alone...but, it'd just be nice to connect with that spark...i miss that spark. i'd like to have that spark with someone that means something...someone that's real...someone that it could work out with.

it's not even about just having someone to make-out with...even though it'd be nice...but...it's about everything that i've never really known...the good and the bad. i've had the good and the bad before...but i didn't know how to deal with it before...now that i've changed, i wonder if i could deal with it differently...with a different person. not annie, not anyone that i've casually dated before...someone different. everyone is different...iono.

i'd like someone who could be proud of me, and kick me in the ass too...but both in a healthy way. my past relationships haven't been healthy...prolly because i never really liked myself before...i never realized my importance in the world. i like me now...

before, i thought all the romantic stuff made me a good boyfriend...but that was only half the job. i was a decent boyfriend by doing a lot of stuff for my girlfriend...but, i was also selfish and ignorant of the other things relationships entail. all in all, i was kind of a kiss ass in other relationships, and i let myself get stepped on a lot...and part of that is my fault.

eh...it'll all come together at the right time.

but, i kinda sidetracked...i don't so much want a relationship...but i want something to replace this nothing...

at least i'm patient about it. i can stop bitching about it and do something about it...but, i don't feel like forcing out anything either. i kinda just want to go with the flow...because that's what has worked out for me lately. i like doing what i want to do...not what i think i should do.

so much to say...so little point.

i'm lacking focus right now...as much as i like singledom...i'm looking to replace it with something, and i don't even know what something is. i need some clarity on the subject.

it's not so much that i'm lonely, because i can deal with being alone...it's more so that i'm...i really don't know.

i'm so weird. i'm done.

//mood//kick[ass]for.no.reason
//song//leaving : the.starting.line

//different[words]
i just posted fuzzy thinking if regards of your city. it's a poem that goes in a different direction that my recent writings...it's not a song either...so...yay for that. but, chyeah...enjoy that. crap...i might even finish the fruitbasket suite sometime soon (it's almost a year overdue...sorry mig)

//friday
it's friday and it feels really good for no reason. i was listening to jason mraz on my way here...good times indeed.

//excitement
homegirl is coming down in two weeks...and that makes me hella happy.

//mutual.date.club
i still need to go on a platonic date soon...ugh...long overdue...or any kind of date really.

//mood//better

//more.cathartic[words]
still need to express some stuff...so...here it is.

[~]killer

i'm not in a dark place, despite the darkness embedded in this poem...i'm being melodramatic in the poem.

//[YAY]for...
[~] thank you mig for calling just to say hi...it's just something that i needed last night.
[~] comfort food in the form of fried rice, sweet and sour chicken, and teriyaki chicken.
[~] having a reason to just go to sleep early.
[~] acting class today!

//mood//slightly.bruised+broken
//but//still.smiling...kinda

//the[score]so.far
flakes: 4
nate: 0

getting shut-out and and shut-down by the flakes is getting quite tedious and old...

i think i'm gonna have to go to the doctor and get this internal flake magnet removed...

at least this time around i know why...and i know that it's a legitimate reason...but still, i hate investing time into things only to find out they won't happen.

if you're just tuning into the nate zablan show, you'll be wise to know that my biggest pet peeve, if i ever had one, is flakiness. the only things that i like to be flaky are my hot pockets...not my friends.

//song//head.on.collision
and it feels like i've reached an all time low.

i guess the flaking isn't the only thing that's eating at me. i feel left behind by someone, and hurt as a result.

for these negative feelings comes the cathartic release of words:

[~]goodbye...minus the good
[~]joke

when i don't think about it i'm fine...even when i do think about it, it's not so bad...

but, when i'm alone and i think about it...everything just mulls around in my head and festers...and i hate it.

i really just need someone today...i've spent way too much time behind the piano, alone, thinking about this...i just need a friend today...and i've just had zero human contact today...and it sucks hard. maybe that's why getting cancelled on today sucked so much...because i really needed someone today...someone i could talk to and keep my mind off of things. i've been doing alright being mr. super-independent...but still...it was one of those days that i needed people...or maybe it was one of those days where i need to figure out how to pull through this myself. there's a different way to look at it...interesting.

i'll feel better tomorrow...these days come and go. you can't have good without the bad...today wasn't a good day...today was a day that makes you appreciate the good days.

//mood//so.fresh+so.clean.clean
//alternate.mood//brushed.aside+forgotten
//song//bigger.than.my.body : john.mayer

//[damn]
it really feels like a monday...

//what[vh1]can.do.to.you
okay...every other time that i watch vh1, they usually have some television special that brings out the word retro-crush...and seriously, if i were nineteen years old in the 1980s, i'd probably be deborah harry's stalker...because she's f___ing hot. omfg, dude...i wish i was nineteen in the 1980s...this generation needs another deborah harry (okay, maybe it was gwen stefani...a generation can never have too many deborah harry's).

//the.beauty.of[being.single]
i've really been appreciating singledom lately. i can hangout with any girl uninhibited by the idea that some other girl will be breathing down my back about it. of course there's a part of me that wouldn't mind being in a relationship--but that's on the condition that there's something there for sure. as for now...being single rocks: i've never had so many female friends in my life...and mi gusta.

the simple fact is that i haven't found what i'm looking for yet.

i like growing up...i was talking to mikey the other day...and i was all like yeah, i liked her in high school...but, who didn't i like in high school?? at first i was just joking, but when i looked at what i said, there was more reality to the statement.

i'm just so weird when it comes to dating, because i don't like the idea of just breaking into a new acquaintanceship with the statement so, uh, yeah...um...you're not doing anything on friday...and, um, yeah, neither am i...so, um, yeah...you wanna go on a date, or something? if you're not doing anything, yeah? it just seems so forced and awkward...

hanging out works just fine for me...if i find something with chemistry, then hey! i'm down for trying something out...but, damnit i'm nineteen and there's a lot for me to learn. i could find love today, i could find love tomorrow, i could have found love yesterday, love could be my friend already, love could be my enemy...whatever...it'll find me, and i'll find it. in the meantime, i've gotta be nineteen and single right now, until some girl convinces me otherwise.

//the.art.of[confidence]+making.friends
i just feel so good about myself, for no apparent reason. i'm so sure of myself these days, with enough uncertainty to keep me grounded. i don't know what it is...but i like it. i can say that i'm happy these days...and it has taken me awhile to get to happy.

i'm very secure with myself, and insecure at the same time. i'm secure enough to the point where i can say i like what i look like when i wear eyeliner--and i don't care if you think i'm queer and introduce myself to new people everyday and also write raw emotional music that no one has ever heard. i'm insecure enough to take a seemingly cowardly approach to dating and overthink things too...but i take pride in my humanity. i effing rock.

i think it's a result of surround myself with good people too, and avoiding caustic relationships. i've surrounded myself with a vast variety of people, some people who really can't get along, people that get along great, people that you'll never put in a room together, and people that you want to put in a room together...it's a nice position to be in. it's not so much about being popular, because i damn sure don't feel that way. it more so about forming the appropriate relationships with each of these people. despite my friendliness, i also can stand up for myself, and confront people and say you flaked on me and you disappointed me. don't do it again or walk out of a friends' house when i don't appreciate his methods of therapy.

friendly people often get taken advantage of or stepped on...but, i've taken a stance in my life where i can hold my ground and not let people get the best of me.

//simple[beauty]
i think that the thing i like best in women is an understated beauty. anyone can be over-the-top...i'll have the opportunity to see over-the-top all the time since i'm a theatre major (this i mean in regards to theatrical make-up...which must be over-the-top). but, understated beauty just strikes me hard...i dig simplicity. a girl in jeans and a t-shirt or tank-top...nothing too flashy...

as much as i love mini-skirts and low-cut hip-hugger jeans...there is so much more to be said about understatements and simplicity.

mini-skirts and flashy make-up doesn't know the words to the songs at the concert...they probably don't even know who the band is...they probably think the band is phantom planet when it's really vendetta red. mini-skirts come by so often at work...and they're nice to look at...but...damn...

i will take the simple jeans and a simple top...because they might have a clue to the bands that i'm listening to, and won't scream cluelessly like a damned trl chick if we go to a show together. she probably won't mind that my 10-cd changer goes from neo-emo to emo-punk to pop to hip-hop to brit-rock to indie-rock. if i can take a girl to a rock show one night then take her to go to a dance club the next night, i think that'd freaking roxor hard. if anything...she'll at least have an open mind.

i'd hate to generalize...but...it's the easiest way to describe what i need to say.

//what.i.like-most.about((these.days))
now that a new semester started a month ago, i've been able to persue friendships/relationships with people that i'd previously wanted to do so with...and it's rewarding. like, on friday night i spent more time talking to jamie than i ever did in the three years of high school we shared...and i think that's really cool. as well as michelle g, who i'd met last year...a fellow theatre major. cool girl. cool people all around me.

don't be part of a scene: make a scene.