//poetic.update
my other baby, poetic impulse has been updated with these two poems:

[~]a case of the mondays
[~]eleven/eleven = love/love (reciprocals and reciprocity)

so...do me a favor and jump on over to poetic impulse and scroll down to read today's entry! pleeeese!!!

//beginning.affirmation
make sure you don’t spend your life doing what you think you should be doing…spend your life doing what you want to be doing.

//used.to.disappointment
(this section specifically dedicated to sica)

i’m really getting used to disappointment...i’m kind of getting jaded to it. don’t be sad when you cancel on me, because you’ll still be my friend...i’m just used to being disappointed and cancelled on. i’ve been cancelled on my whole life. amy g. cancelled winter formal 2001 on me no less than three hours after i asked her. jenny f. cancelled sadie hawkins 1999 on me a week within the time i asked her. my own father cancelled the whole fatherhood thing on me within a few years it was placed on his head. disappointment through cancellation has become a way of life for me.

do i just suppress my disappointment? hell no. i damn sure do show it, and i let people know it...boy how i let the world know it. but the fact is, i get over it one way or another. i say what i mean and i mean what i say. when i’m disappointed, i am disappointed, when i say i’ll get over it, i will get over it.

the difference between you and amy g., jenny f., and bio-father is the fact that you are genuinely apologetic. the difference between you and them is the fact that i have faith in you that you’ll make it up to me. the difference is that i have faith in you.

don’t be too sorry about it, because i know you’ll make up for it. you don’t have to make it up, but something in me lets me know you want to anyways.

the difference between you and them is that i know you care.

look, i luv ya babe...you’re my friend, and we’ll hang out some other time...there’s a lot of time in the world, and soon enough there’ll be time for us to hang out. i know you’ll make good on your word. you’re a genuine person and i luv you for that.

just don’t make a habit of cancelling on me!!

//immeasurable
(this section dedicated to anyone who knows what it’s like to be the good friend)

i love myself.

even when i don’t, i try to love the person that i am. the beautiful person that i am.

i can’t help but feel like i’m always being compared to some standard of physical beauty that i can never measure up to. everyone is attracted to same person...and it usually is not me.

does it bug me? hell yes it does.
should it bug me? probably not.
is it the ruin of me? hell no it is not.

i don’t feel like i’m ass-ugly...i think i’m far from it...but it’s difficult when everyone around me is attracted to the same person, or the fact that no one in magazine pages looks like me. i’m not the tall white well-built male. i’m just a shorter filipino average guy.

i’m just hoping someone will realize that i am, in fact, an attractive guy.

i just don’t want to just be the nice-guy-friend that hears about every other attractive guy from girls for the rest of my life.

it’d be nice to be the guy that gets the girl, instead of just being me. i want to be like josh v. for once in my life.

if i were a female doll...it just seems like every other guy is a Barbie doll, and i’m skipper.

sometimes it just seems like having been raised to be a gentleman has been a waste. it’d be so much easier if i were a jerk who didn’t care about people.

i’d just like to be someone else sometimes. someone else more attractive. someone else taller. someone else with more muscles.

i’m not being negative. i’m being honest. there’s a difference.

i’m just tired of hearing the phrase so-and-so-co-worker is so hot over and over again from every one of my chick-friends. everytime i hear that, i kind of just shut up, ball up temporarily, and feel really small and insignificant in comparison to all the other men in the world.

i hate how the standards of physical beauty have so much importance in this world. the standards of physical beauty make me feel really ugly at times.

i just really need to know that i’m not the only one that thinks that i’m a beautiful person. and a good hug. i’ve been needing those things for awhile.

(note: i’ve gotten numerous hugs...but not the kind that mean what i need them to mean, if you know what i mean.)

//hard.past.few.months
(this section dedicated to anyone who fights adversity with a smile)

it has been a hard past few months, what with josh v. coming back to town and reminding me what it’s like to not be the guy who gets the girl. what with audra, my ex-best-chick-friend who i used to be in love with but doesn’t talk to me getting married. what with disappointments in myself and my actions with other people. what with that whole nikki thing a while back. what with my binge-drinking. what with the friends who matter most coming and going too fast.

it’s hard to be optimistic, but you know what? i am dammit.

i am very optimistic, because i choose to be happy.

what with all the crap going on in my life, i can take a deep breath and look at the good to come. i can ask myself what matters more: the good stuff or the bad? i can be happy because i can choose to be happy...even if disappointments come in multitudes. people still care about me, one way or another. people are still willing to be there for me, and no one i care about has turned their back on me.

there are a multitude of things that can drag me down...but only if i choose to let them drag me down. i still have love for a lot of people around me, if they disappoint me sometimes. i feel that a lot of people have love for me, even if i disappoint them a lot.

a lot of things try to bring me down, but i still look up...and there is a lot to be said about that.

//cell-phone.horoscopes
(courtesy of http://mobile.yahoo.com)

yesterday:
a promise is a promise, so follow through. good things can come from mistakes.

today:
you're proud when they care. feel the excitement and channel your natural talent.

//mood//still.rockin'
//song.in.head//brimful of asha : cornershop

//remind.er
you'd better still be loving yourself. (referencing my last entry)

//don't.feel.like.it
last monday was the start of my 10-straight-days of work. okay...ten-days straight, with school interspersed here and there, and me trying to maintain a steady (steadily-declining) social life.

it's purely exhausting to say the least, but i'm doing things to maintain my sanity:
[~] planning to meet up with my chick-friend jessica for lunch before we start work. (she might cancel...but, it's all good)
[~] chilling with lauren m. this friday (late) night.
[~] looking forward to having at least thursday or friday of next week of...at least one of those days.
[~] spending money on clothes and cds...next up: more hollister clothes, and the yeah yeah yeahs' fever to tell cd.
[~] steadily listening to kcrw's weekend/morning becomes ecclectic, blueprint, metropolis, and chocolate city...awesome programming.

//long+waxy
i want to learn how to surf.

more specifically: longboard surfing.

i'm filipino-american...i'm a little tan guy, and i should know how to surf, i've decided.

i need a good excuse to wake up early and go to the beach. surfing seems like the perfect excuse.

//that's.it
keep loving yourself y'all...

if you surf enough of my daily reads, you'll find out where i found the inspiration for why i think you should be loving yourself today.

but, i've gotta leave this creepy-ass campus and wake up jessica to see what's going on with lunch (if anything) today.

//mood//rockin'

//short+sweet
...like a honey dipped dwarf.

love yourself...because no one else has to do it...so do it for yourself.

you rock.

//mood//awesome.possums (we can ignore the asterisks for awhile)

//no.questions.asked
i've been feeling really good lately. i don't know why. i don't really care to know why. i think i've chosen to feel good. and that's all i choo-choo-choose to say about that, because i don't want to over-think anything right now.

//reasons.for[excitement]
so i'm supposed to chill with lauren this late friday night, and i'm honestly quite excited for it...and i'll tell you why.

it's kinda like a chance to re-do things in high school that i wish that i had done. she was a girl that i wouldn't have minded to have gotten to know (for obvious reasons: i thought she was cute, and the few times that i talked to her, i found her to be nice and intelligent). but, because of a lack of opportunity, and a lack of self-confidence (that manifested itself in utter shyness) i never got to know her.

now that i've been given the opportunity, i've decided to take the chance by the reins and run with it.

it's not exactly like high school though, i'm not exactly the same person i was then, i'm no longer as shy as i used to be, and am quite more pro-active in taking action toward talking to those i am attracted too; and she no longer wears bangs (and in turn, looks cuter).

so, yeah. i'm excited to chill with her. it's sort of a retribution for who i have grown to be in the past year or so, from who i used to be. it'll be fun to get to know her, and whatever.

she could have cancelled on me, since she's having dinner that night with tunde (i wonder how he has been)--but, she really wanted to hang out with me on friday.

i know i'm over-thinking it...and i'm just trying to let it be what it is, really...a couple people hanging out, getting to know eachother, on a friday night...but, whatever. i just want to have fun and that excites me.

maybe it'll be fun, maybe it'll be disappointing...i really don't know.

over-analyzing stuff usually gets me in trouble, so i'm gonna shut-up now, for my own good.

geez i'm a dork.

//okay...now
i'm in the school library...and some random porn pops up on the screen...kinda weird and embarrassing...

//back.to.my.point
there were a lot of people in high school that i would have liked to have gotten to know, and never did because i was not confident in who i was...and now i'm getting a chance to do so with one of those people...and it feels nice.

there.

now i'll drop it.

//change
too much time passes by...and i'll spend too much of my life sleeping: getting rest for the next day.

if i spend so much of my life sleeping, then i need to make the day worth all the rest.

//mood//good*

//spending.spree
within the past few days, i've bought four cds:

[~]squirrel nut zippers : the best of...
[~]hot hot heat : make up the breakdown
[~]the white stripes : elephant
[~]the black eyed peas : elephunk

all of which are very good. it's really difficult to find a good hip-hop cd now-a-days...

//setting.the.tone
pure positivity this week. i'm going to try to think in pure positivity this week.

this week can't end up that bad, right? i mean, my weekend beginning after binge-drink-friday wasn't that bad...i mean, i started my saturday getting a girl's number.

shoot, i know that this week is going to build up to a good friday night with a chick-friend of mine, once i piece it together--that's always a good thing...and it'll be alcohol-free, so in turn: vomit-free.

i'm still trying not to care about what other people think...there was a point in time that i didn't care, i wonder what happened.

//live.by.my.own.word
my primary cell-phone profile reads like this:
no regrets

i think it is about time that i start living by my own word...at least i think so.

yvette saw that profile on the wednesday night i felt like crap, her reaction was basically why don't you take your own advice?

why don't i?

...it's about time.

everyday is a new opportunity. don't let a moment pass you by.

//mood//good* (trying not to let anything drag me down)
//music//timberwolves.at.new.jersey : taking.back.sunday

//more.to.it
there's a lot more to the stipulations in life than just acknowledging them, i've realized...you've got to also figure out how to let it all affect you. i say this because i let stuff get me down way too often...way too often.

i'm always paranoid about crap (such as: i don't think anyone likes me, i don't think anyone is attracted to me, no one wants me here).

i don't know why it has always been easier for me to focus on the negative rather than the positive...but it had become a habit of mine.

there was a time where i really made a point of focusing on being happy (i picked that one up from annie), but i did it in an un-realistic sense. i did it to a point where i'd simply ignore all the bad things--as in not acknowledging them. i now know that doing so is just as unhealthy as ignoring the good.

my point is, i'm really trying to learn not to take everything so damn personally.

i'm tired of making tired excuses and reasons of why i am the way i am and why i react the way i react, i just want to be, and i just want to be happy.

i've got to learn to take more deep breaths and not take everything so personally...that, and not to over-analyze every living detail of my life.

//differently
it has been an odd past couple weeks. recently, yesterday especially, it has just seemed like people have been caring less about me than they had in days before. a lot of people have just seemed more distant toward me, and the welcomes have lost their warmth.

i'm trying not to take it personally...but...i don't know...i can't help but think what have i done for this to happen?

//cheer.up.emo.kid
even though i don't dress it nor look it (nor have the hair anymore), but i'm beginning to think that i'm an emo kid at heart.

i'm starting to think that wherever i go i'll just drag people down with my negativity, self-deprication, and paranoia...maybe that's why people don't want to be around me. my intentions are not to drag people down...but, i'm trying not to. i don't want to be a downer.

//the.last.time.i.was.happy
a couple nights ago stephani asked me if i could remember the last time i was really happy, and i couldn't give her an immediate answer.

now that i think about it a little more, the last time i was happy was when i was at graduation. having sung the star spangled banner with the senior members of the choir so well, and being the last person to have my name called at commencement was really awesome. i really temporarily forgot about annie breaking-up with me that same week.

that was over a year ago.

//chance.meeting
it's really random how you can bump into people you never really knew in the first place, and never thought you'd bump into ever again.

well, yesterday i was running late for work...on my way to indy i bumped into lauren may, a girl i'd graduated with and had a couple classes with.

i didn't recognize her at first, until she'd stopped me and asked where i went to high school. i looked at her, then her nametag, then her again...then realized who she was...she looked different from how i'd remembered her (it really makes a difference when someone doesn't have bangs anymore).

i didn't know that she was working at dl for the summer, and it was really cool to talk to her--probably more than we'd ever talked during high school. i'm supposed to call her this week so that we can hang out friday night...it should be fun.

//i.decide
so, i can decide what kind of week this will be.

it can be a crappy week, or a happy week.
it can be a weak week, or a strong week.
it can be a downer week, or an upper week.

time to begin this week and prepare for summer school tomorrow (poo!).

and i think it's gonna be a taking back sunday and a the strokes kind of week.

everything happens for a reason. although i don't know it know, i'll figure it out in the long run.