//mood//good* (trying not to let anything drag me down)
//music//timberwolves.at.new.jersey : taking.back.sunday

//more.to.it
there's a lot more to the stipulations in life than just acknowledging them, i've realized...you've got to also figure out how to let it all affect you. i say this because i let stuff get me down way too often...way too often.

i'm always paranoid about crap (such as: i don't think anyone likes me, i don't think anyone is attracted to me, no one wants me here).

i don't know why it has always been easier for me to focus on the negative rather than the positive...but it had become a habit of mine.

there was a time where i really made a point of focusing on being happy (i picked that one up from annie), but i did it in an un-realistic sense. i did it to a point where i'd simply ignore all the bad things--as in not acknowledging them. i now know that doing so is just as unhealthy as ignoring the good.

my point is, i'm really trying to learn not to take everything so damn personally.

i'm tired of making tired excuses and reasons of why i am the way i am and why i react the way i react, i just want to be, and i just want to be happy.

i've got to learn to take more deep breaths and not take everything so personally...that, and not to over-analyze every living detail of my life.

//differently
it has been an odd past couple weeks. recently, yesterday especially, it has just seemed like people have been caring less about me than they had in days before. a lot of people have just seemed more distant toward me, and the welcomes have lost their warmth.

i'm trying not to take it personally...but...i don't know...i can't help but think what have i done for this to happen?

//cheer.up.emo.kid
even though i don't dress it nor look it (nor have the hair anymore), but i'm beginning to think that i'm an emo kid at heart.

i'm starting to think that wherever i go i'll just drag people down with my negativity, self-deprication, and paranoia...maybe that's why people don't want to be around me. my intentions are not to drag people down...but, i'm trying not to. i don't want to be a downer.

//the.last.time.i.was.happy
a couple nights ago stephani asked me if i could remember the last time i was really happy, and i couldn't give her an immediate answer.

now that i think about it a little more, the last time i was happy was when i was at graduation. having sung the star spangled banner with the senior members of the choir so well, and being the last person to have my name called at commencement was really awesome. i really temporarily forgot about annie breaking-up with me that same week.

that was over a year ago.

//chance.meeting
it's really random how you can bump into people you never really knew in the first place, and never thought you'd bump into ever again.

well, yesterday i was running late for work...on my way to indy i bumped into lauren may, a girl i'd graduated with and had a couple classes with.

i didn't recognize her at first, until she'd stopped me and asked where i went to high school. i looked at her, then her nametag, then her again...then realized who she was...she looked different from how i'd remembered her (it really makes a difference when someone doesn't have bangs anymore).

i didn't know that she was working at dl for the summer, and it was really cool to talk to her--probably more than we'd ever talked during high school. i'm supposed to call her this week so that we can hang out friday night...it should be fun.

//i.decide
so, i can decide what kind of week this will be.

it can be a crappy week, or a happy week.
it can be a weak week, or a strong week.
it can be a downer week, or an upper week.

time to begin this week and prepare for summer school tomorrow (poo!).

and i think it's gonna be a taking back sunday and a the strokes kind of week.

everything happens for a reason. although i don't know it know, i'll figure it out in the long run.