//beginning.affirmation
make sure you don’t spend your life doing what you think you should be doing…spend your life doing what you want to be doing.

//used.to.disappointment
(this section specifically dedicated to sica)

i’m really getting used to disappointment...i’m kind of getting jaded to it. don’t be sad when you cancel on me, because you’ll still be my friend...i’m just used to being disappointed and cancelled on. i’ve been cancelled on my whole life. amy g. cancelled winter formal 2001 on me no less than three hours after i asked her. jenny f. cancelled sadie hawkins 1999 on me a week within the time i asked her. my own father cancelled the whole fatherhood thing on me within a few years it was placed on his head. disappointment through cancellation has become a way of life for me.

do i just suppress my disappointment? hell no. i damn sure do show it, and i let people know it...boy how i let the world know it. but the fact is, i get over it one way or another. i say what i mean and i mean what i say. when i’m disappointed, i am disappointed, when i say i’ll get over it, i will get over it.

the difference between you and amy g., jenny f., and bio-father is the fact that you are genuinely apologetic. the difference between you and them is the fact that i have faith in you that you’ll make it up to me. the difference is that i have faith in you.

don’t be too sorry about it, because i know you’ll make up for it. you don’t have to make it up, but something in me lets me know you want to anyways.

the difference between you and them is that i know you care.

look, i luv ya babe...you’re my friend, and we’ll hang out some other time...there’s a lot of time in the world, and soon enough there’ll be time for us to hang out. i know you’ll make good on your word. you’re a genuine person and i luv you for that.

just don’t make a habit of cancelling on me!!

//immeasurable
(this section dedicated to anyone who knows what it’s like to be the good friend)

i love myself.

even when i don’t, i try to love the person that i am. the beautiful person that i am.

i can’t help but feel like i’m always being compared to some standard of physical beauty that i can never measure up to. everyone is attracted to same person...and it usually is not me.

does it bug me? hell yes it does.
should it bug me? probably not.
is it the ruin of me? hell no it is not.

i don’t feel like i’m ass-ugly...i think i’m far from it...but it’s difficult when everyone around me is attracted to the same person, or the fact that no one in magazine pages looks like me. i’m not the tall white well-built male. i’m just a shorter filipino average guy.

i’m just hoping someone will realize that i am, in fact, an attractive guy.

i just don’t want to just be the nice-guy-friend that hears about every other attractive guy from girls for the rest of my life.

it’d be nice to be the guy that gets the girl, instead of just being me. i want to be like josh v. for once in my life.

if i were a female doll...it just seems like every other guy is a Barbie doll, and i’m skipper.

sometimes it just seems like having been raised to be a gentleman has been a waste. it’d be so much easier if i were a jerk who didn’t care about people.

i’d just like to be someone else sometimes. someone else more attractive. someone else taller. someone else with more muscles.

i’m not being negative. i’m being honest. there’s a difference.

i’m just tired of hearing the phrase so-and-so-co-worker is so hot over and over again from every one of my chick-friends. everytime i hear that, i kind of just shut up, ball up temporarily, and feel really small and insignificant in comparison to all the other men in the world.

i hate how the standards of physical beauty have so much importance in this world. the standards of physical beauty make me feel really ugly at times.

i just really need to know that i’m not the only one that thinks that i’m a beautiful person. and a good hug. i’ve been needing those things for awhile.

(note: i’ve gotten numerous hugs...but not the kind that mean what i need them to mean, if you know what i mean.)

//hard.past.few.months
(this section dedicated to anyone who fights adversity with a smile)

it has been a hard past few months, what with josh v. coming back to town and reminding me what it’s like to not be the guy who gets the girl. what with audra, my ex-best-chick-friend who i used to be in love with but doesn’t talk to me getting married. what with disappointments in myself and my actions with other people. what with that whole nikki thing a while back. what with my binge-drinking. what with the friends who matter most coming and going too fast.

it’s hard to be optimistic, but you know what? i am dammit.

i am very optimistic, because i choose to be happy.

what with all the crap going on in my life, i can take a deep breath and look at the good to come. i can ask myself what matters more: the good stuff or the bad? i can be happy because i can choose to be happy...even if disappointments come in multitudes. people still care about me, one way or another. people are still willing to be there for me, and no one i care about has turned their back on me.

there are a multitude of things that can drag me down...but only if i choose to let them drag me down. i still have love for a lot of people around me, if they disappoint me sometimes. i feel that a lot of people have love for me, even if i disappoint them a lot.

a lot of things try to bring me down, but i still look up...and there is a lot to be said about that.

//cell-phone.horoscopes
(courtesy of http://mobile.yahoo.com)

yesterday:
a promise is a promise, so follow through. good things can come from mistakes.

today:
you're proud when they care. feel the excitement and channel your natural talent.