seriously. it's usually a bad thing if you're ending every night with these thoughts:

there wouldn't be much of a difference in the world if i just happened to die or disappear, right?

or just flat out: i wanna die tonight.
i just feel so damn worthless. i don't know if the holidays are just amplifying this, or whatnot...but, i really do feel worthless as all hell. i'm just the geeky-best-friend. promises made to me mean nothing, because they're constantly broken. i've given up everything that has ever been good to me. i've managed to shun everyone in my life who hasn't shunned me...and those who have shunned me have been the ones i wanted to get close to. the people who have been good to me, i always end up accusing them of wronging me. i haven't done anything worthwhile in my life.

i consider doing great things for other people to be worthwhile. what have i done for other people that has been so great? i work guest service at target. i hardly consider telling a guest where the toilet paper is "worthwhile."

i can only lie to myself for so long...after that...i get back to this: depression. i hold it back during the day, in front of people...but shit...when the day is over, i end up just wanting to cry, or crash my car, or kill myself. what fucking difference would it make?

i just feel worthless.

the only thing keeping me alive right now is this poetry suite. the last thing i want to do is cause disarray. that's the only thing that i can see me making a difference in my life with...poetry, right now.

i feel worthless. when the suite is over...what's left to live for?

i have nothing to live for.
no one to live for.
and it's all my fault.