the things i've been thinking, the things i've been saying...worry me immensely.

it's like i have two personalities.

the one who doesn't care. and the one who does.

the one who doesn't care smiles when the sun is out, and sleeps when the sun isn't.

the one who cares lets everything bring him down...because he can't see up.

maybe i need to read siddhartha...as proposed by sherrice.

the one who cares accuses all the important people of wronging him, including himself. he's been suicidal for too long in his life.

the one who doesn't care really cares...but in a different way. in an unselfish way.

both personalities need to start thinking more...they need to start thinking. period.

maybe there's more to the story than meets the eye.

watching fight club has put things in perspective. that's what i need: perspective.

i don't want to be scared anymore.

i can't let this other me...i can't let him resurface...God only knows how far he'll go...how deep down he'll feel until he kills the both of us.

there is tomorrow.

it would be nice if we had somebody.

all this...all this shit spawns from loneliness...if only that word didn't sound so much like lowliness.

the fact is...the thing that keeps me from killing myself is the personality that's typing right now...it's not that i'm a pussy-shit...it's the fact that somewhere, i know, that the repercussions from me killing myself would be far greater than the shit i'm going through right now.

why in the f*ck is this such a weird time in my life?

nothing is easy anymore. nothing. at least it seems like it.

everything just seems so unbearable when it feels like you've been abandoned...it only feels that way though. feeling and reality are sometimes different things.

you're in control of everything except the outcome.--evelyn case.

i'm in control of my day...but, not how i'm going to feel at the end of it...so, can i really do anything to keep these suicidal tendacies from resurfacing?

it gets hard when you have job that you're constantly yelled at...when you're blamed for every minute thing that isn't at all in your control. when you're being berated by the skinhead neo-nazi family that wants to return baby clothes. when you're being yelled at by the woman who doesn't understand i'm doing her a favor by trying to process her return without a reciept and without item lags. when the woman is yelling at me in foriegn languages about how much an asshole i'm being to her while i'm calmly trying to tell her i'm just doing what i can with the most sincerity i can possibly deliver. when i'm being accused of being a racist by the middle-eastern man for emptying the stuffing in the bag he's trying to purchase. et cetera...work doesn't help my condition.

when the girl won't return your calls when you just want to talk to her to get to know her. when she sends one signal, then when you actually pour yourself out there, because you're tired of dealing with the wonderment, she says...yeah, like a friend.

when you've made a really good connection...but there's no way that it can happen.

when you look at the past, and always second guess every single thing.

it brings you down...and it gets really difficult to see up.

so where is up? what in the hell is going to bring me up?