when you hope and hope and hope for so long, and get nothing...that's when things start getting weird. you can only hope or so long until you start losing hope...or start wondering if such a thing as hope exists.

i've been questioning my mental health. i'm really hoping this is just a phase, like everything else, that will pass. i've been reading up on the symptoms of clinical depression, and manic-depressive disorder. it says if symptoms last for more than a couple weeks, then you should start worrying.

i pray that there isn't anything wrong with me. but i don't know right now.

i don't know if this is just a pathetic cry for attention, or a serious need for professional help.

i'd been through a similar phase once, a couple years ago, and even before then. each time, it gets successively worse.

shit. i need something to get my mind off of this...when i stop thinking about it, it'll probably stop taking me over. okay...it's really hard to try and think about something else...something that could potentially make me happy.

it'd be nice to be happy. but, it's getting more difficult to find those sources of happiness. it was easier when i was deluding myself into a false reality.

i've never done drugs. i've never drank on a regular basis...i've only drank a few times in my life. i've gone through random short periods of smoking, but i don't plan on taking it up again...all of those things are artificial and ephemeral...tempting, nonetheless...i can't deny that the prospect of dropping ecstacy interests me...but i'm not about to resort to it.

maybe i just need to train myself to be satisfied with things the way they are. i used to be able to find the beauty of things in the world, and find good things in everything, and find something to be happy about in everything...but, somewhere, it all disappeared...at least it seems that way.

when did the fabric start to tear?

i'm not going to jump to any conclusions at all right now. i'm not going to try any artificial happy drugs. i'm not going to diagnose myself right now. i'm just going to try and carry on with my day...hopefully, by the time i get to work, my happy manic side will surface...and maybe it'll stay there.