//mood//smashing

//frustrations+tribulations
saturday morning i had every right to be pissed and frustrated. a week of promise had, once again, crashed and burned. to top off a week that didn’t end up the way i thought it would, lauren m. never called on friday night, like she was supposed to.

at all.

not once to inform me of what was going on with us friday night.
not once to let me know she might cancel on me.
not once to cancel on me.
not once.

i was too tired on friday night to care. by the time saturday morning rolled by, i’d realized what all had (not) happened...no missed calls, no voicemails, not on my home phone nor my cell phone. yeah, i was pretty frustrated.

the fact that she didn’t call at all showed me that she was un-apologetic, had no remose, and very little respect for me...it freaking hurt.

//amongst.the.memories
lately i’ve been drowning in bad memories regarding high school and girls. they’re not even the typical memories...not ex-girlfriends, at least.

i’ve been remembering the whole audra fall-out...but that’s mostly in part to her recent marriage. the whole winter fall-out is prime example of me just being a couple seconds too late to do anything about a girl.

i’ve always had the worst luck in timing with girls.

the other memory that has been standing out in my head is the time that i had a crush on erin a. in my frosh year of h.s...i just remember stumbling upon a note to her from lindsay p. (we all were friends). all i can think of was what the note said: ewww...nate zablan has a crush on you.

i think that note has been the core of my lack of confidence with women. it was bad enough that someone would say that about me...but a girl i knew? that made it that much worse...that much more ego-shattering...well, shattering what little ego that i had.

//what.keeps.me.going
well, saturday morning, i had a revelation: i will be redeemed.

i will find redemption. even when it seems like there isn’t enough air for me to breathe in, and let everything else go...i know that somehow i will be redeemed for all the crap i’ve gone through with everyone.

i thank God for my resilience.

//good.times
last night, after work, i went to denny’s w/byron and jessica for dessert. it was good times, indeed.

maybe i should start going for the things that i want, and just say screw the obstacles. there is just a lot to risk if i persue some different things...and i don’t know if i’d want to risk it. sometimes it’s just easier to play it safe...

i really suck at reading people and situations.

i need more time to think about different situations...so, i’m not planning on jumping to any conclusions yet. yet.

(on the other hand, i’m getting so tired of wasting my time.)

i'm starting to fashion an idea in my head
where i would impress you with every single word i said
they'd come out insightful or brave or smooth or charming.
would you want to call me?
--dashboard confessional : for you to notice