//where//lower west coast.
//mood//mixed
//lyric in head//all the sadness, all the rage, throw this book away
//lyric from//smoke : ben folds five

//getting justified
so last night was singdammit karaoke night at alcatraz brewing co....needless to say, i didn't sing: i performed...and actually just had fun.

last night i performed like i love you, and it came off well...i ended up standing on chairs and finished the song with a dance break...and hitting those high notes were fun...so...yeah...it was awesome.

//get your work on
i went to work yesterday, it wasn't that crowded, but it was the most crowded it has been all week...i could tell because a lot of the guests were incredibly bitchy...but, whatever, i don't have to see them again...too many good moments to focus on anyways.

if i didn't have karaoke night, i probably would have hit hooters with my co-cast members...hot wings sound good right now...but, yeah, like i said, the indiana jones crew is really tight knit, and i wouldn't mind going out after work with the rest of them when i get the chance.

//low air-fares...
i'm planning on making a trip up to no-cal sometime soon just for a night, jet blue has the best airfares so far...so, i just need to find a free weekend and pad my checking account enough to afford it...i wanna go up to berkeley and hang out with mig and just check out no-cal, since i've never been there before...and since i won't be driving, i'll actually be able to get wasted a little.

//confronting issues
okay...i don't know, i think i've been lying to myself. i've been deluding myself into thinking that i'm this super-confident guy who feels really good about himself and proud of who he is...the fact is: i don't know if it's the truth anymore. i've been doing it so long that i don't know if it's an act or really who i am. it sounds nutty and weird...but...i don't know how to deal with my self-esteem issues...because i think that they are there, in one form or another.

the only time i feel really confident is when i'm putting on a performance that i'm really proud of...otherwise...i don't know.

sometimes i wonder if i my real personality is just really fucking bland, and that's why people can't stand me. that's why my ex won't talk to me. that's why people don't understand me, or create false understandings of who i am...fuck it...i don't know. screw everything.

sometimes i wonder if my happiness is all just a facade too.
if so...i'm no better than the people that i've given up on.

//reminder
tomorrow: better luck tomorrow opens in select cities, i urge you go to see it...no matter what race you are.

i kept everything inside and even though i tried it all fell apart ...
--linkin park : in the end