//location//on the back of a milk carton
//mood//moody
//cd in car//meteora by linkin park
//next cd//the early november acoustic ep

//vulnerability
okay...lets see the situation:
1. boy meets girl, boy calls girl, girl has douche-bag boyfriend.
2. boy starts talking to another girl, girl doesn't really pick up her phone.
3. another girl starts talking to boy, but boy isn't that interested in her.

why are there three girls? because i'm not jumping into anything serious at the moment, i just want to casually date and casually go out and see what happens in the meantime. somewhat sleazy? possibly...but, it's also a sort of defense to not get hurt so badly like i have...but, apparently, that defense has been inexplicably weakened.

the fact is, i've really only got a crush on one of the girls...the other two i'd just like to chill with on a fun non-romantic-completely-platonic level.

i didn't realize that i had a crush until about 11.00pm last night...and i felt stupid...because having a crush makes me feel vulnerable and dumb...like a fourteen year-old kid who had just seen his first glimpse of what girls look like in high school. it was bad and stupid feeling.

so...she walks into the restaurant...and i end up doing something completely out of character for me: i literally sink into my chair and jacket, because that is what my natural(?) instinct was--at least that was my first reaction. i've never felt like i had to hide from anyone before...but there i was sinking into my chair and hiding in my jacket...i felt utterly pathetic. it was just the simple sight of her...

i hate crushes and i hate vulnerability and i hate feeling five-years younger than i really am...

i don't even know what it is...i barely know her aside from the one convo we had where we found out a small handful of similarities where the world got smaller...ughhhhh...i guess that's what makes it a crush.

all i'd really like to do is go on a date and get to know here a little more...

shit...that's what i'd like to do with a lot of girls...

but other girls don't make me sink and hide...

...i don't get it. i don't get me.

ughhhhh...damn human idiosynchrases...

it doesn't help that i keep on hearing her boyfriend is a douche-bag.

well...i finally talked to her that night...for a change...i was actually honest with her about my feelings and didn't make a huge deal about it (like i usually do).

last night was different...in a bad way and a good way...

i guess this is growing up.
--blink 182 : dammit