1nce again...a tear in the fabric is found and my aborration of life surfaces.

i can't steer the feelings of lonliness away for long enough. it's hellish. hella hellish.

i wish things were different. situations were different. i were different.

let's face it...when you're asian, you're not white...and you don't fit the definition of immediately attractive in today's white american society.

it'd be a lot easier if i were white. i'm not trying to down white people...a lot of my best friends are white people...most of the people i'm surrounded by on an everyday basis are white people...no, i'm not trying to down white people. don't get my wrong.

when i play the dating game on-line at sony station, i pick an avatar, if i pick an asian one, no one wants anything to do with me. people flee the game room. when i pick a white avatar, they'll actually play with me, no one flees the room, and they talk to me like intelligent people. (btw, i play it for the shits and giggles).

cut to the chase: i think my life would be a lot easier if i were white. it isn't enough to be americanized and whitewashed, but unless you have that all-american white-boy look, you're not going to get the same amount of respect from any culture group...anyone.

in white america, everyone gives a lot of respect to white men...look at our government. look at the heads of several of our major corporations. you can tell me to look at asian companies, but i don't live in asia. i live here.

i love my white friends...and to be honest, i wish i could be more like them: white.

i think just about every minority in america has gone through this thing where they've wanted to be white, because the white life is in fact easier. i wouldn't get harassed by skinheads, or the few intolerant citizens of orange county, i'd get decent seating at restaurants, i wouldn't be stereotyped as only being a smart kid...the white life would be nice.

it's not easy being a minority in america. i wish i were white.

i don't think it'd make things perfect, but it sure would make things easier.

we all endure hardships...but as a minority, we endure different ones. i'm sure as a white person, you've got hardships of your own...but, out of respect, try not to make comparisons...it's futile. you've just gotta trust me on that...and damnit, stop trying to tell us filipino is spelled philippino...you're wrong, it's filipino...i'd know...i fucking hate that.

i still wish other things were different. location. life. desire. i'm really unhappy right now.

(sidenote, unrelated: t!ff...i miss you.)

everyone that's reading this, ponder this, respond if you can: if you're a minority, have you ever wished you were white? if you are white, what do you think of this color barrier that i have exposed?