so far, so good.

the bad nate, we'll call him alvin, has yet to resurface since i got home from work. the normal routine of an emotional down period has yet to take place, and i feel semi-decent for once. i pray that this stays for a little while...since seeing up is a little easier. i almost fell back down...but, i didn't.

not getting yelled at by bigoted families, or over-sensitive foreign seniors, or cranky supervisors really helped me today. actually explaining my fear of manic-depression on a one-on-one basis helped a lot as well. it's about time i open up and talk about that fear. it happens so often (my dramatic mood-swings), that i've started wondering/worrying that i might have clinical manic-depression. the fact is, i don't know if i am or not...i don't know if i should seek professional help about it...but, actually opening up to someone (not to a faceless audience) about it really helped me get through the day. knowing that there is some normality in this abnormal state helped cushion the impact of this drop in emotion.

the thing is, even if all is well right now...what will happen the next time i drop? how how will i drop? how bad will things be? when this depressed altered state resurfaces, what if it physically takes me over? what if it physically tortures someone, or myself? how can i stop alvin from resurfacing?

i'm afraid of him. i'm afraid of it.

you must think i'm crazy.

you just wait 'till you go through your freshman year of college with a job, shitload of units, doing a play, and hardly ever seeing home and family (if even that)...it unnerves you. believe me. then pile all the shit that goes on in your everyday relationships with people...and persuing a dwindling love life...it's a shock...and you either handle it, or you crack.

i cracked.

i almost cracked badly.

can alvin crack me again...crack me completely?

i hope i never find out.