crash.

if my emotions could make a noise today, that's the sound it made today.

i experienced my severe emotional drop at work...a place where i'm usually my best...but, such was not the case.

i was good for the first half of work...but, in the last two hours, my chipper, smiling personality was shattered. i felt like i was being bombarded with phoniness. if it wasn't that, then it was the guy yelling at me...being frustrated with me. if it wasn't that, it was the fact that i'm doing a thankless job...cleaning up after the slobs of upper-middle society, or accepting/not accepting their returns. work was trashed today. there were so many people who have yelled at me this weekend. the last guy who yelled at me, i was nothing but nice to him, when he yelled at me, i didn't say a word. i stood there blankly. i started thinking that maybe i deserved to get yelled at because my work wasn't good enough. maybe i wasn't good enough. maybe i'm not good enough for the girl. maybe i'm not good enough at all.

i started questioning the reason why i'm working where i am...at guest service. with all the shit i go through and put up with...i started wondering if it was really worth all of this emotional assult. i didn't think i'd be able to see my family tonight...the people i wanted to see most...that depressed me the most...it almost sent me over the edge. i started crying at work. no one noticed...i'm kinda glad about that.

so many things about work are depleting my self worth. i can't wait until they move me from service desk to sales floor.

another thing that really hurt was that i felt blown off by the people i knew. i was really happy to see them...but, yeah. it's not their fault, they had stuff to do.

i'm really starting to worry about myself.

all i want right now is to be happy. that's all i want.

i don't want these morbid feelings or suicidal tendacies or over-sensitive reactions to things that really aren't that bad. i just want happiness...and no more crying...no more rage...no more loneliness.

i want to smile again.

the things i want:
-a smile.
-someone.
-happiness.

these things aren't supposed to be difficult to come by. i know i'm not alone...why do i feel this way so badly?