new look...buttload of work making it happen...but it's here...version 3.0.

the work got my mind off of all the problems.

[ ! ] don't forget to scroll down to see today's previous entry [ ! ]

//linger_some.thing_lingers
cliche coming...

yeah...so, i don't feel guilty about sara anymore, since that got taken care of yesterday...

but, i'm still feeling guilty about something, now that i realize why i don't want to be hurt anymore--why i don't want to hurt anyone else either.

there's a guilt that lingers...a 9-month-old guilt that lingers and comes back every now and then...like a disease, a ill-timed relapse.

just because you think and feel that you're over something doesn't really mean that you're over it...it's always kinda there.

i don't know how to make it go away.

at least i've decided to remain single so as not to dump this shit on anyone else.

i don't know what feels worse:
//knowing that i've had nine months (and then some) to let go.
//thinking i've let go, but realizing that i really haven't.
//leaving her without giving her all the reasons.

//am_i_denying_it...or_not?
okay...the idea of me not being over it was a thought proposed by stacey. it isn't necessarily true...maybe this is just being manifested because she said it...maybe it isn't the reason i won't commit. maybe i won't commit because i just don't want to.

damnit...i just don't know anything anymore.

i wish i could just figure it all out in a second.

walking away wasn't as easy as i'd planned.

//lo.cat.ion//places.with.faces.leaving.no.traces
//feel.ing//pretty.damn.good...almost_hella_good
//song.in.head//why georgia : john mayer

//deep.breath_it's.all.good_smile
so...finally, i talked to sara yesterday, and everything ended up fine.

i was smart about it...i waited for her to finish her ice cream before i got everything off of my chest...

she was surprisingly cool about it...i thought she was going to throw shit at me...but, yeah.

i don't know...i didn't really like her in that way...not after the date...

she'd make a good friend...but, other than that, i wasn't really vibing her.

end chapter.

//do.i_get.a((merit.badge))for_this?
so, last night, i began my crew assignment for the talented mr. ripley, and i'm on costume crew. it's pretty easy from what i heard, except, i had to learn how to sew/stitch...something i'd never done before. so, i learned, then sewed a few labels onto the costumes, apparently i'm a kick-ass sewing-guy. hell yeahh mofo!!

the costuming crew is all pretty cool, so, i think it's gonna be fun.

yeahh...i can add that to my running pick-up line: hey baby, i work on indiana jones and i know how to stitch...so whachu want? (licks lips in an ll cool j-esque way)

ooOH! a lucky penny!
--me. alone. yesterday evening. on-campus. upon sight of a penny on the ground turned face up.

//@t//a.mental.imprisonment
//fee.ling//not a whole lot better than i did yesterday...but, shit, i'm still good.
//song.in.head//'til i hear it from you by gin blossoms
//be.cause//that was song 1 for me last night at singdammit karaoke
//be.cause/continued//i was on an empire records fix

//iron.y
yes, there is a whole lot of irony in the situation i've placed myself in with sara...the fact that i've bitched and moaned about being single and not having anyone, and now--i don't want it...

i think it all boils down to this: i'm not willing to settle down--not just with anyone.

to reiterate that whole sink-my-teeth-into-someone business, i haven't found that girl yet.

i'm gonna talk to her about it today...since she was so intent on seeing me this week, and i don't mind meeting up with her--all i know is that it's going to be awkward, she might get angry, i might get sad, and we'll get over it eventually...and i'm not planning on cutting her off completely--it probably means that we shouldn't make out anymore, since i'm probably leading her on by doing so.

if she doesn't mind me being the fuck-around-kind-of-guy, awesome blossoms...but, knowing her, i don't think she's going to be very understanding...as long as she doesn't throw shit at me, i'll be fine.

i don't think i've completely lost that whole romantic side of me that i indulged myself in when i was in past relationships, i just think it's going to take a lot to ignite it again, since past relationships have just been fucking painful in the end.

i talked to stacey, and she inferred that i wasn't over a past relationship--and i thought i was, just because of time and stuff--but, the fact is, maybe i'm not...maybe i'm not. the thing is, my inability to get over anne doesn't make me pathetic, it makes me a little more human, a little more of this typical-guy--

maybe the typical-asshole guy isn't completely insensitive. maybe it's just me.

//sink-my((teeth))_in.to_[ten]*points
so, i think it'll take a lot for a girl to make me want to sink-my-teeth into her...but...i think i have an idea of what i want...or maybe this is just a list of torrid little turn-ons...in anycase, i think i have a better idea of what i'm looking for--

[~]glasses: guys don't make passes at girls who wear glasses--unless you're me. girls who can rock glasses are hella cute to me.

[~]fashion: i'm looking for a girl who can be fashion-appropriate...i'm not looking for a particular trend, as long as she can make it look good.

[~]rock out: a girl who can rock out on an instrument (i.e. guitar, bass, drums) is seeeeeeeexy.

[~]hair: this falls along the lines of fashion, but--if her hair is stylin' and appropriate to her: hell yeahh. uniqueness is a plus...i'm talking hair color, hair styling (short, spiked out, whatever).

[~]face: my idea of beauty is so mixed and open...what i love most is a unique kind of face...something i don't see every day...i know the description is vague...but, let's put it this way: make-up and lip-gloss don't do it for me...a purely beautiful face goes a long way...and you can't define beauty.

[~]shake it fast: watch yourself. seriously, a girl has got to groove...if she doesn't dance, i'm gonna be out on the floor with someone else who does dance.

[~]nerd: geek. whatever. a girl who isn't afraid to stand out and be herself. in american culture, being yourself has been equivocated to being a nerd...so, i want a nerdy chick.

[~]soulchild: i want a girl with soul...punk-rock + soul = happy boy, sexy girl.

[~]writer: i communicate best through two mediums: music and the written word (i.e. poetry), the words crafted by this woman's hands are gonna be so beautifully sexy.

[~]this above all: confidence. nothing is sexier than a confident woman. and confidence is manifested in many ways.

i feel like a dork...but, it was on my mind...so...yeah.

//t.hurs.day
so...yeahh...another entry, another entry chockful of cliches...another state of mind that becomes increasingly difficult to comprehend, but easy to others.

so...maybe i'm not looking to stay single...maybe it's just that i haven't found what i'm looking for--maybe i'm just not willing to give my all just yet to anyone, not until i find that someone...until then, i'm gonna be a single happy guy. shit doesn't get me down as easily this way.

it's not that i'm not taking as many risks...because i'm still risking some more of myself that i didn't know existed--i've become quite vulnerable in my growth.

your best bet is to stay away motherfuckER!
--a girl named malibu, a random karaoke chick singing break stuff by limp bizkit...it was just funny to hear this twenty-something lady say motherfucker so cleanly--it's hard to describe...it was funny. it was kinda like the way nerds in movies say motherfucker...it was too cute for the song...but it was funny.

//w.here//some.where_in_the((sunlight))
//m.ood//guilt+melancholy_but.it.doesn't.matter_i'm.fine
//song.in.head//remember to breathe : dashboard confessional
//after.thought//shit, i've been listening to a lot of dashboard lately.

//not.any_better
this whole thing hasn't gotten any better...i'd like to say it hasn't gotten any worse--to be truthful, there hasn't been any catalyst for things getting worse--but, i guess time could be a catalyst, since it only gets worse the longer it goes. as much as i'd like to talk to her about it, i don't.

i kinda just want to tell her don't get so excited over me...but, i know that she is already...and that's what sucks. i don't like letting people down.

i already feel like people don't expect much out of me, so when people put their faith in me, it's really important--but right now, i don't want her to put her faith in me, because i want to really be the fuck-around-kind-of-guy. i don't want to be held in one place at the moment.

i don't know when i'll want to be held in one place...but...not right now. i think i'll want to settle down when i feel i've found someone i could sink my teeth into...unfortunately, it's not her. i don't know if it will be her at anytime soon...but, i don't want her to start thinking it either...but i think she already has.

there's nothing i love more than to see people excited...that brings me a good feeling: to see people happy about whatever. unfortunately, i'm in a position where i have to take that away--and it sucks.

ohhh well...world keeps on turning, and i'll eventually have to face the music.

maybe i should take harmony's advice and tell sara to have a backup-prom-date on hand...it would suck to tell her that...

//sink_my(teeth)
i think the only thing that could stop me from this sinking-ship of becoming one of those typical-guy-types is finding someone that would totally contradict my mindset right now: someone i could sink my teeth into...someone who would make me want to dive in head-first...but...things like that don't happen to me...seriously. they don't.

right now, i want life to be fun, and i want to be happy...that's priority right now...and, being settled into a relationship that will end isn't going to bring me happiness...because i'm not into crashing into failure right now.

so...to sink-my-teeth or to fuck-around? i'm gonna fuck-around because that's all that i'll be able to do, because the sink-my-teeth girl never comes around.

i'm really shallow. i'm young though...damnit, i'm young.

//not.a.kid
everywhere i go i feel like i'm the youngest guy around--funny, because i used to feel like the oldest guy in the room all the time. i think it's because i stopped taking myself so damn seriously--kinda.

okay, fine, once i stop over-analyzing every single detail in my life, then i'll be able to say i've stopped taking myself so seriously. but, yeah, i take myself less seriously now...and it's fun this way.

i'm not a kid anymore, but i actually feel young for once in my life...and you know what, despite whatever tribulations it may bring, it's a shit-load of fun right now.

i'm gonna have you naked by the end of this song
--justin timberlake : rock your body
...jeez, pop-music lyrics just express things that are so hard to put into words in real-life.

//it's_tuesday
and you know what that means: this or that tuesday!

The Media Edition

1. TV or radio?
television...you can't hear naked people.

2. On the radio: talk or music station?
music station...music junkie, not a talk junkie.

3. Actual books or books-on-tape (or e-books)?
actual books...nothing beats poetry as the written word.

4. Actual newspaper, or web version?
the actual newspaper...comics and the sports page are more fun that way.

5. Wall Street Journal or National Enquirer?
umm...neither...since i'm a cash-fiend, i'll say wall street journal.

6. TV news...news channel such as CNN, or your local broadcast news?
i'd say cable news channel...but, everything is so negative and biased now-a-days...gimme some BBC.

7. A movie you've been looking forward to seeing gets bad reviews all around. See it anyway, or pass?
see it anyway...but, roger ebert is my homeboy now...so...

8. See movies when they first come out, or wait a few weeks for the lines at the theater to get shorter?
i wait a few weeks...i'm just lazy, i can deal with the crowd.

9. TV: cable, satellite dish, or just plain old antenna?
i'd prefer satellite dish...but, alls i got is cable.

10. Thought-provoking question of the week: If you had to choose only one form of media to come into your home, which would you choose...print (newspapers, magazines) or electronic (TV, internet)? Why?
electronic...as old-school as i may sound, electronic media just makes everything seem so much more convenient...and electronics makes porn easier to come by.

//scroll_down_to_see_today's_previous_entry

//an((entry))_about*my*crotch...and.everyone_else's((crotches))
okay...um...i don't know, maybe this is just me...but...

i'm wearing new pants, because most of the pants i own are going to be new pants (thanks to the fact that i ruined all my old pants).

but, yeah...i'm walking from my class that i just got out of, and i notice that the crotch of my pants are bulging out (and, no, i wasn't excited)...and i'm wondering, great...it must be the pants, because it isn't me.

so, my natural instinct is to wonder if anyone else has this problem with their pants...so, i'm walking through campus staring at everyone's pants...more distinctly: everyone's crotches, unknowing of the fact that i'm staring at crotches, not pants...

so...in case people start thinking i'm some sick bastard that gets his ya-yas from staring at peoples' crotches, that is so not true...i've just got a crotch problem of my own.

i'm really becoming a fucked-up person.

i woke up this morning with a bad hangover and my penis was missing again. this happens all the time; it's detachable.
--king missile : detachable penis
...i just thought this lyric was suited to cap an entry about crotches.

//think.ing_like*a.guy
i was just wondering when i stopped thinking like romantic, sensitive nate, and started thinking like a guy.

the thing is, as guilty as i feel about the whole thing...i kinda don't want to turn back...

i've always been the romantic and sensitive nate, but all that got me was a whole lot of singleness and heartbreak...now, i'm thinking like a guy, who isn't longing for any real commitment and just wants to fool around and play the field...

...and this was so not me a few months ago.

so...i'm just wondering when this whole change occured...because, now that i'm overanalyzing this like i overanalyze everything else, it has become that much more interesting.

when did i start becoming an asshole-guy?
when will i stop being an asshole-guy with feelings and just be the asshole?

it's weird...i'm kinda stuck in the middle of being the guy who thinks about others and their feelings and being the guy who is really a guy...it's like i'm slowly throwing sensitivity out the window, but, i'm kinda not.

interesting.

i think i will always be my most interesting subject of analyzation...because i'm a dork.

it's like i've been in touch with my feminine side all my life, and i've all of a sudden become masculine...it's really weird, but nice, kinda.

i see you baby shakin' that ass.
shakin' that ass.
shakin' that ass.
--groove armada : i see you baby
...leave it to dance music to make the insightful lyrics.

//@//in_case_you_forgot...
//f.eel.ing//something in between good and bad, with guilt sprinkled in the center
//song_of_the_moment//so impossible by dashboard confessional

//i'm_not_a((good))_person_any.more
i don't know...

the date on friday was really good, i mean, it was fun--even if the beach plans got a little soggy...but--yeah...i mean, friday was good. sara enjoyed it, and so did i.

but, i just don't know.

i don't think that i think the same things that i used to about relationships. i'm definitely approaching them differently...and to be completely honest, i'm not looking to dive into any relationships at the moment...

and so, that leaves me at this point: i feel like the typical-guy ass-hole that women always complain about.

quite frankly, i don't know what to do about it.

whatever...i had my fun then, and this is where i am now.

//more_about((better luck tomorrow))
from what i've heard, the audience group has been changing within the past weeks: it has changed from the primarily asian-american audience, to people of all races seeing the movie...which i think is great.

unfortunately, i don't think that some people can really get the magnitude of how important this movie is to the asian community.

one of my white friends thinks that things are really just fine and dandy with the asian-american community in the entertainment industry...which is very far from the case...he thinks that things are just rolling along and that there isn't a problem...which is not true...but, it is easy to say when most of the movies out there have scripts written where white characters can portray themselves however they want.

the thing about blt is that it was a script that was not about being asian, and bitching about being asian--it was a movie where asian-americans were free to be portrayed however they wanted to be portrayed. the fact is, the movie would have been just as gripping if it had been cast with white leads, african-american leads, latino-american leads, middle-eastern-american leads, whatever. the movie wasn't about being asian...the hype surrounding it was...

but, i don't think that people are getting it...which is kind of disturbing.

yeah...things are getting better...but there is still a problem when it comes to people of color being portrayed in the entertainment industry.