//where//upper-middle class america.
//mood//not as happy as i know i should be
//lyric in head//(strum-strum, strum-strum) say it ain't so-oh-whoa-oh-whoa.
//lyric from//some song by weezer

//comfort music
yeahh...i haven't been feeling by best lately...so, i decided that i'd try playing my comfort album on the way to school: weezer (blue). damn good album anyways.

//pop-punk-rock weekend part iii
this last weekend was punk-rock weekend number three out of three: sum 41, no use for a name, and the starting line.

unfortunately, by the time we'd gotten to the palladium, we'd missed the starting line because we'd arrived a bit late...needless to say, the words fuck and damnit cycled through my head for a good while. but, nufan made up for it...as did sum41...so...it was a good concert.

if it wasn't for the concerts...i'dve probably stayed home, in bed, not wanting to get out...not wanting to talk to anyone...but, i'd spent $30 for the damned tickets...so, i might as well have gotten sum in my face.

it was weird, i kept on bumping into people that i sort of knew, kinda...well, it happened a couple times. i bumped into a guy who worked at target while i did, and quit a couple weeks before i did...then i bumped into laura o., emie c., maritess, alicia a., and others. it was kinda cool.

//i don't like it
i really don't like my life.

it seems damn pathetic that the only time that i can feel really comfortable being myself is when i'm not being myself (performing).

it seems equally pathetic that i still feel like the high school geek after high school.

i don't know...it seems like i'm really fucked up because i'm still dealing with personal issues and self-esteem issues that i should have dealt with during high school, or at least before i graduated from high school...but no, i'm still whining about my tepid little life...and how i fail to really know other people because i've completely failed in knowing who the hell i am.

i think i was happier when i was lying to myself...when i put on an act for the sake of thinking/pretending/fooling-myself into thinking i could be happy. but, in the long run...i end up lost, i end up feeling very isolated from everything and everyone else.

i'm starting to think that the re-hash of this semi-depressive state has started to take me over completely: physically, emotionally, spiritually...in anyway that it can.

i've had trouble discerning reality from my dreams. i mean, yeah...it's normal to think you're awake when you're actually dreaming...but it's been happening the other way around....as in, i've been thinking i'm dreaming, when i'm actually awake.

i've been getting a little sick...and i don't know where it came from.

i've distanced myself from structured spiritual belief, because i think that it's ludicrous to structure beliefs...that's when they become ideas. i believe in some supreme beings or a supreme being...but...i don't think it's something you can put a finger on...it's not something you should persecute others for, or any of the other things people do for religion.

televangelism just makes me sick...that really doesn't pertain to anything...but, i thought i'd just add that.

there are only really a couple things that give me some ephemeral joy: being on a stage (karaoke for now), being around/calling the few people that i can put all my trust into (at least i've got that, even if i don't need a full hand to count them all), and work. but...i can't do these things all the time...so, i spend most of my time lying around, feeling physically impaired because i'd love to get up and do something, anything...but...there's nothing to do, and nothing i can do to change that.

the world doesn't seem as bright anymore.

i thought i did the right thing by breaking up with annie...because i needed to know that i could get through life without an emotional attachment...it was really important for me to know i could make it in the world alone.

the fact is...i don't think i can make it in the world alone.

just as i am the perpetual high school geek...i'm also perpetually co-dependant. i hate the fact that my mortal-flaw, the thing that defines me as being human, is that i have to depend on others for the basis of living...whether it's happiness, economic success, or self-esteem.

it seems really fucking dumb for me to rely on others for self-esteem...the very thought of that takes the self out of self-esteem...and, i really am a self-centered person.

i can't even afford myself to be arrogant these days.

was it all just an act before?

it's really hard for me to be happy with myself now a days...happy with the person that i am...i keep on challenging myself to be something greater than human on a personal level...everyday has become a battle with myself. in the end...i don't know if i'll end up winning, losing, or torn in half emotionally, physically, and/or spiritually.

watch me unravel i'll soon be naked
lying on the floor, i've come undone
--weezer : undone (the sweater song)