//be sure to scroll down to see today's previous entry

//ultimately, what three minute song i felt best suited my personality
i eventually chose carnival by the cardigans. i felt like i took my voice and movement class through a day in my life with that song.

it begins with nina, the lead singer, taking a drag of a cigarette amidst the noise of organs in the background.
for me, that's my morning...my lulling around against my will, wanting a cigarette to get me through it so that i can get on with my day.

all of a sudden, the music kicks in...a mellow melody and a raging rhythm (yay for alliteration). the melody represents your usual first impression of me: laid back, mellow, almost quiet. but, when you notice the drum and rhythm guitar, you realize, oh shit, there's something alive in this thing. then the dramatic sounding violins kick in, but they're a happy dramatic sound. ultimately, i'm a happy person...at least i strive toward happiness (fun fact: annie, an ex-gf if you didn't know, taught me to strive toward happiness). the way the overall song makes me feel is like when you're riding your bike with the breeze in your face and you're just smiling and shit. that's how i usually feel during a really good day (which are coming more often), a jubilant complacency.

the song draws to a definite close as all the energy tapers off...sleep.

//failed weekend
so, i'm psyched about my weekend, really (no sarcasm...i'm not as sarcastic as i used to be, kinda...not really...kinda). but, yeah...i have my disneyland resort orientation tomorrow. then on sunday, i have my disneyland resort attractions training/orientation. i'll find out where i work. i'm happy...

but...

i really wanted to go to newport beach at sunset this weekend, but i don't wanna go at it alone...i wanted to share it with someone...then eat at ruby's on the pier.

i know that i'm not supposed to care...but, i care a little...at least about getting a date.

i feel like the blow-off guy, the guy that you say, hey, for sure we should hang out sometime, but really, when it comes down to actually doing something you say oh, i'm sorry...i'm, um, busy, i'm always doing random stuff, so, sorry. i always try to brush it off as easily as they brush me off, but, it kinda hurts at the same time.

i feel like the guy everyone is too busy for when it comes down to it. conversely, i sometimes feel like i'm too busy for everyone else at times.

i wish my life was easier.

i wish i knew whose word i could trust when they say oh, i'm sorry, i'm busy, and when i can tell when they don't mean it.

i actually do care a little.

whatever.

but for now i'll look so longingly waiting
for you to want me,
for you to need me,
for you to notice me.
-- dashboard confessional : for you to notice